Kal.....yes, I want to put my marriage back together. I love my husband and I'm so sorry for what I did to him. I cannot fully repair what I have done without removing this woman from my life.
I hate thinking that people view me as an as*hole but, you're right, I am. I need to suck it up and focus on what I want.
As always....thanks Kal. Have a good weekend.
No, you are not an assh*le. I meant that people view you as one... There's a difference. (Unless you really are... But that's a whole other story there eh?)
But I do understand the want to placate everyone, to do whatever it takes to make someone happy. I say I'm all for it, but it can't be at my expense. I won't give up who I am to make things better. I don't know if I am wording this wrong...
What I mean is that I am married to my wife. I want to be with her, but not out of a sense of guilt, or Honor, or any crap like that.
I just want to be with her. She's my love, my friend.
Once you get there... Then all the rest doesn't matter. Yes, I cheated. I Lied, I acted completely out of character. Hell, I even found out tonight that someone who I considered a friend/acquaintance covertly cut me out of their social circle because they though I was the big A.
So what? I don't need to worry what that guy thinks. Honestly, I could care less.
It's more important to me about how my wife feels, and what she thinks of me.
I'm not excusing what I did, but I am moving past it. Slowly, but surely. I've come to realize that I can't bear the brunt of the guilt (like the cross in the Alanis Morissette song...) I can't move forward by clinging to that.
You'll get there too, but honestly the hardest thing to do is to forgive yourself.
I know there will be people who say that I'm not right, or I'm selfish. Sure, maybe. I just see the need to self flagellate anymore. There isn't a point, because not even the person I betrayed wants me to do that anymore.
In the end, the best advice I can give is to figure out for real what you want and be relentless in your pursuit to get it. If that's a new beginning with your husband, and your friend is getting in the way of that, then you know what to do.