Sarah916
About a year ago my at the time boyfriend (now husband) got a job out of town. Almost instantly it felt as if something was wrong. Everything with us seemed fine, but I couldn't shake the feeling I was having. After coming across some things on our google account I found out he was posting ads on Craigslist in the personals looking for "hookups", and searching off the wall things on porn sites (which before I didn't care that he watched, we would even watch it together). After months of him being gone I found out that he kissed some girl and was in his hotel room. She said nothing more happened, and he still denies the kiss. I was devastated, literally heartbroken. It hurt to think, it hurt to move, it hurt to be awake. I was at home taking care of our kids and our house while he was away not caring about how anyone else felt. He ended up quitting his job and coming back home. We never got into details of everything, he said he was just "curious", I didn't believe it and still don't. Things have been good lately, there are days where I don't even think about it, then there are days that I still cry over it. I want to believe him that nothing like that will ever happen again and that I can trust him, but I'm honestly scared to let myself be happy because I don't want to be let down again. I feel like I'm always in a pissed off mood, picking fights about nothing, I feel like that's going to force him away but I just don't know what else to do. I want to forgive him, I want us to be happy, I want to be happy. He doesn't do anything to suggest that he's having an affair, he goes to work and comes home. We have the same friends and live a pretty low key life with our girls. The other day I did find him watching porn again (like I said it used to not bother me), but now it feels like he's cheating when he's watching it. Does he want to be with someone else, am I not good enough for him anymore? I feel so paranoid about everything anymore and I hate it.

Wow I went on a little to long. This is my first time on this site, hopefully some advice will help me. [smile]
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Negarcia
Sarah

Have you told him how you feel? Deep down inside you know the truth but do you think of you hear it from him it will make you feel better? I am only asking because if porn triggers you knowing you were okay with it before, do you think knowing more details will trigger you more?

Our stories are similar. My husband still travels weekly for work. His AP was a HS friend but they were in a physical and emotional affair for about a year. This is not the first time my husband cheats. He had cheated 2 previous times. He grew up seeing his mom cheat on his father consistently (not excusing his behavior) but it has a lot do to on how he justifies his actions. I chose not to know every single detail about his affairs because I know I would probably use it against him in fights and I don't want to do that to myself. While I was trying to spy and figure everything out, I turned into a psychotic person and it was horrible. From now on I have vowed to take care of me and my kids. One of the things that has been hard for me that I do regardless of how it makes him feel is tell him how I feel but when I tell him I will say "I feel" instead of blame him because it seems to work better than me yelling at him. Sometimes I get no response from him but I know I got it off my chest. Another thing I do is write my thoughts down before I talk to him, so I can get my thoughts straight.
Just remember that your husbands actions are due to his insecurities not yours. It's harder for guys to tell us how they feel.

Feeling better takes time because we have to learn how to trust again. That includes trusting that they will care about our feelings but being angry and resentful will only makes things worse.

Have you thought about seeing a IC? I started seeing one and she has helped me feel better about who I am as a person and not get lost in my husband.
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Hope4Healing
In my opinion, trying to just forget it happened and move on isn't going to ever be ok with you. And it shouldn't be. You have every right to know what happened because it affected you also. Just acting like it didn't happen will only cause it to keep rising to the surface when things are not going well between you two, or if you can't find him one day, or he won't answer the phone, etc. It's good that you want to forgive him, that's a positive thing in your favor for working through what's happened. If you cover up garbage, it may not stink right now, and it may stay buried for many years, but you'll always know it's right there under the surface and sometimes it comes unburied. It's best to deal with the garbage and make it to away instead of just burying it. That's what our counselor told us and it worked. It's been a year for us, and we're actually doing great. Were there days when I wished to God i had just buried the garbage so I couldn't see it and thus didn't have to deal with it? Absolutely. Many days actually. But now I'm glad I didn't because it's dealt with now, and I know it's not coming back again to dirty up our marriage. I wish you luck.
Hope4Healing
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