Nate
A couple of months ago my wife came home from work and laid her cell phone on the table in our kitchen.  I thought this was rather odd since she and her phone were inseparable.  Anyway, out of curiosity I walked over and picked it up and swiped to open it.  What I found left me shaking uncontrollably.  There was a text conversation with a 25 year old "punk" that she used to work with and the text didn't leave much to the imagination.  I nearly dropped the phone I was so angry.  I composed myself as much as I could and walked and leaned up against the kitchen counter and waited for her to return.  When she walked back into the kitchen she could see that I was visibly upset.  I asked her who this person was by name...she said nobody and kind of stammered around saying he was someone who used to work with her but moved to subsequently moved to a store about 30 minutes from where we lived. He now lives over 3 hours away.  I asked her what the text messages were all about and she said nothing and that it was something stupid that she did.  Prying further I asked her if there was anything else going on and how long it had been going on?  She replied not very long but didn't give a time frame.  I know she's been contacting this person for at least the last 6 months because she left her company login page open on the computer one afternoon this past summer and I noticed he was the only person she was following on the login page.  Regardless, she was adamant that nothing else was going on.  I left the room and went into the garage and proceeded to call this SOB and grill him on the details of their relationship.  He said that they were just friends and they used to work together and nothing else went on.  I informed him that he would no longer be contacting my wife by any means and if he continued I would find out and left the consequences up to his imagination.  He told me in a later text that he was scared out of his mind of me...GOOD!!! My wife continued to restate that "it was nothing" and it was "just stupid texting".  She also stated that she would let me have access to her phone, email, social media accounts etc. whenever I wanted.  After several long conversations I told her that there was no way I could monitor every possible way she could contact this person so if she was going to cheat, she is going to cheat.  She volunteered to give me text records and phone records from our cell account but to this day she will not let me have access to the password so I can look at it when I choose to.  She printed out the text records from last month however for some reason she cut the page numbers off the bottom of the pages.  The pages were front and back but were not in chronological order which I found odd.  Am I being paranoid???  Anyway, our marriage has not been the ideal marriage for the last 10 years or so because she said she harbors some resentment toward me for not being as proactive raising our kids as I could have been when they were little (bearing in mind I worked long hours while she stayed home with them, which was something we agreed on).  We finally started sleeping in the same bed again after not sharing it for nearly 12 years.  We have not had sex for at least 10 years and haven't yet since the discovery of her affair.  She states that she wants to stay married but take things slowly and proceed with intimacy when the time is right.  I am having real issues with trusting her and her commitment to our marriage.  Our physical contact is pretty much limited to a quick hug and kiss in the morning before leaving for work and at night before bed.  Most of the time the contact is initiated by me although she has been initiating it more the last few days.  I have good days and not so good days when my mind starts over reacting and I start scrutinizing everything she does.  I'm trying to get through this but, it's hard.  Should I demand that she give me the password to our cell phone account?  I'm tired of arguing and don't want that to be another source of tension.  There is enough tension already.  I love my wife more than anything and I desperately want to trust her although something in my gut tells me she's not being completely forthcoming.  Any advice would be appreciated.  Thanks!
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TimT
Nate wrote:
...Should I demand that she give me the password to our cell phone account?  I'm tired of arguing and don't want that to be another source of tension.  There is enough tension already.  I love my wife more than anything and I desperately want to trust her although something in my gut tells me she's not being completely forthcoming.

First... the printed papers out of order with page numbers cut off is definitely weird. The only reasonable explanation I can think of is that she wanted to leave pages out. 

Regarding the password (and anything else that would help you feel safe): I would not encourage you to demand anything. That turns into a power struggle. Instead, you should clearly state everything you need to feel assured that she is being honest with you (and that  may include page numbers on printed pages, passwords, etc.) and then ask her if she is willing to give those things to you right now. If not, then that is clear evidence that you are not safe with her. I've heard all the excuses that unfaithful spouses will give, but none of them hold up. If they are not willing to go to extraordinary measures to win back trust and assure you of honesty, then they're just playing a game. Don't get caught up in it.

If she's not willing to do so, then you should establish very strong boundaries. Whether you move to end the relationship or simply put some space in between you... that's up to you. But if you keep playing around with half measures, you start to get stuck in limbo-land. 
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Nate
I'm going to try your approach and ask her for the phone password from a safety stand point but I'm afraid I know what her response is going to be. I'm at the end of my rope and barely hanging on. I'd also like to know if you think it's wise to contact his wife and make her aware of the affair? The poor girl is totally oblivious to what's going on and she's pregnant, due in January with their daughter. I'm hesitant to reach out to her because of this. My wife said she's ashamed of her behavior and doesn't want me to contact her.
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Kalmarjan
Nate - well... I can see you have some fear there. Of course, the "what ifs" are paralysing.

But, turn it around for a second. What if it were true. What then? What would you do in the worst case scenario? Plan for that.

I understand that being afraid sucks, so move through it. It's better to be active than passive in this case, right? Don't let her do things to you, get in there and get it fixed.

If you need her passwords to check her accounts and she refuses... Well... Will you be willing to live like this? Not knowing, and why she won't share that information to make you feel safer?

One way to look at it is, if she isn't willing to open up, why? Why is she now lying by omission? What is she trying to hide? Communicate that to her. Calmly.

If it's not acceptable to you, you need to do something about it. Establish a boundary. Tell her what is okay for you, and what's not.

I understand you are afraid. You're scared of an outcome. Well, here's the thing... It's already happened. The worst case scenario. She cheated. What can be worse than that? Holding onto this fear does you no good and keeps you stuck.

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Nate
I am getting to the point where I really don't care what she does anymore.  My focus now is whether or not I should tell the AP's wife.  As I said earlier, she is 8 months pregnant and do I really want to saddle her with the revelation her scumbag husband's cheated on her?  The vindictive side of me says let her know and crush that SOB like he and my wife have crushed me or spare her the pain at this juncture.  I know the POS will not tell her.  I recently contacted him again expressing my willingness to do so but like the wuss that he is, he has not gotten back with me. I'm SHOCKED.  I don't really want to say what else I'm thinking because it only angers me and I'm trying to get to my quiet place.  I don't believe he's contacted my wife about me contacting him because I'm sure she'd jump to protect him if he had.  I don't know. Maybe my suspicions are unfounded. Maybe my paranoia has gotten the best of me. Maybe she has severed all communication with him.  She said she's ashamed of her behavior and feels bad.  Well big effing deal!!! I hope she is ashamed.  Then she damned well better start acting like it!   Bottom line is, I will be getting to the bottom of it soon enough, I'm sure. Whether it be her giving up the password willingly, or me getting the information through divorce proceedings. One way or another I'll find out the truth.  I'm just so exhausted dwelling on the what ifs...  I've lost nearly 45 lbs in the last 2 months. I feel better physically than I've felt in years and I don't look like a fat slob anymore! But this isn't exactly how I wanted to lose weight.  I can actually see some abs again! LOL!  Haven't seen them in years!
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Kalmarjan
Ha ha I hear ya buddy.

Let me ask you something.

Do you want to expend the energy on this anymore? If you tell the APs spouse, you are getting more involved. I know the white Knight part of you wants to protect that AP spouse.i get it...

Then again, you open yourself to argument, to arguing with your spouse, giving them potential reason to find each other in the face of a "villain" (you).

Thing about the truth is... It always gets out. Things happen. Like emails accidentally get sent with sensitive information. FB accounts show up at weird times.

In this day and age, it's next to impossible to keep a lid on this. The truth always comes out. So, the question of how much you want to get involved in this drama?
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Nate
I hope you're right. He deserves the misery! With that being said, yesterday was one of the better days we've had in a while. We both laughed and she volunteered to go with me to pick out a tree for Christmas. She hasn't wanted to go with me anywhere for a while. She also elicited unsolicited physical contact by rubbing my shoulder while I was sitting in the recliner. That's a big step for her also! It's sad when THAT'S a big step! Anyway. I placed an EVR under the seat of her car under recommendation by a friend but there was no conversation on it at all. Just music. I would think if she was still contacting the AP it would be everyday, but I may be wrong too. I was wrong in a big way before...
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mirabelb

Sometimes the signs are not just enough! You need to know for sure and the sooner you find out the better it is for you to save your marriage. You can always use the services of a private investigator or hacker if bringing up infidelity conversations would be weird and uncomfortable, then you can bring up the conversation after your investigation. my husband was always on weekend trips and travels in the name of work. I needed to be sure. I used the services of a hacker and all I needed to do was monitor phone calls and sms remotely. This worked with the use of a spyware application and I would recommend i-hack@tutanota.com He was very helpful and his approach was superb. At the end of the investigation, i got the proof i needed to confront him.

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