Muffin
I have been with my husband since we were 18 now 49 and 12 years married.  I had  reached  a real bad place in our marriage and for the past 7 months we have been seperated. I was starting to rethink our marriage and we began to talk about what we identified as problems. 6 days ago we went on a mid week break to have a break from our normal environment and discuss the way forward, that's when he told me that 16 years ago he had a 3 month affair.
My world has exploded my mind is all over the place, he has told me that he kept it from me because he realised at the time he did wrong and was affraid that he would loose me and our 2 children. He says that he has suffered with the guilt for all this time and knew that he had done wrong, he said that he had promised God that he would become a better person and if he was asked he would tell me the truth. I asked the question out of the blue as we were reminising and I mentioned that as he has been the only person I had ever slept with and it felt strange when I first told my friends wondering if I had missed out. I said that he never realy told me if I was the only person he had slept with as I never asked before, that's when he became very serious and said that he had something terrible to tell me and that he cheated on me 4 years before we got married. I really had no idea and never thought that he would do such a thing. 
I am broken and am still trying to process what he has told me. I have tried to ask logical questions like what did it mean, why he did it and also some emotional questions like what did she look like was she better in bed than me, did he compare us.
He has shown true remorse but at the moment I cant get past it, he has had 16 years to come to terms with his infadelity and manage his guilt/shame , but It feels like it was just yesterday for me. 
I am so angry, sad, disapointed, hurt, ashamed worst of all I always said I would leave anyone who cheated on me aand i am thinking about trying to work it out. 
I am just confused, at the moment I wish he took this damaging information to his grave !!! anyone have any advice??
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Trinity
Time seems to have no constant with infidelity.  It can be 1 minute ago or 10 years ago, what is the constant is that the betrayed spouse (BS) is now thrust into a place where they never thought they would be and NOT of their choosing.  

Words of advice here..... DO NOT make any decisions right now !!!!  I promise you that decisions made in your frame of mind are never advantageous.  Be pissed off, be angry, break dishes but make NO decisions !!!!!!!!!!!!!   If there is any advice you take right now, take mine.

I know you are beyond broken and supremely disappointed but you need to give this a minute because you were just thrown a sack full of WTF and right now your emotions are all over the map.   

There is a lot of help here and a lot of friends here.   I promise you that. 

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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Muffin
Thank you 
I am intending to take time its whats needed.
I just want to try and get past the need to ask questions which spell out the sexual details or compare us as women and what she gave to him that I couldnt, which logically makes no sense as she was 6 years older than him. He said it was an ego thing and he regretted it and their sexual encounters were few over the 3 months. 
I need to get past this emotional feeling and bring logic into mind as this will keep me sane.
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GingerHoneyBunny
Muffin wrote:
Thank you 
I am intending to take time its whats needed.
I just want to try and get past the need to ask questions which spell out the sexual details or compare us as women and what she gave to him that I couldnt, which logically makes no sense as she was 6 years older than him. He said it was an ego thing and he regretted it and their sexual encounters were few over the 3 months. 
I need to get past this emotional feeling and bring logic into mind as this will keep me sane.


Hi Muffin, so sorry we are all here. I'm just about 12 weeks out from catching my wife in a 9 month (which I now about) entangled affair which was both very emotional and physically involved. Try not to do anything yet. Esp with making big life changing decisions. Get a therapist or a psychologist or a psychiatrist (for antidepressants and anxiolytics if necessary). There is no logic to it no matter how much we try to wrap our heads around it. It just does not. For my case, they even went as far as considering how I can be replaced by the AP. The AP even thought he could adopt my children as his own. I know its hard, but most experts will say that we should not compare the sex. I take some consolation that the affair sex induces a lot of guilt after the act is over. And many times WS will "affair down", the AP will probably be less attractive than the BS, well, at least for my case. Ask as many questions as you need, but steer clear of those that will give you mental images that cannot be erased which was my mistake. It is said that staying is an act of courage and strength. For my situation and maybe for you too, if your WS is remorseful and demonstrates the effort to make amends, maybe it is worth to consider staying. But it may not work for some people. I am still unsure of staying in the long term. The immense hurt and loss of trust feels irreparable at the moment. I do hope things will work out for the best for you. In the mean time, take care of yourself. I've changed much of my wardrobe, my hair style, and generally just taken more care for myself to regain some confidence. To know that we are not unattractive or undesirable to deserve such a betrayal.
Male BS, D-Day 22th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think, cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
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Muffin
Hi GingerHoneyBunny, I understand what you say about logic it does not seem that there could be any going on in their minds when they plan and feel what they are doing is right by any stretch of the imagination! One thing I do know is that I will not let their indiscretion ruin my self esteem. I know that at the time of my husbands affair I was as good as I could have been; supportive, loving, attentive, homemaker as well as a working mother, who gave her all in making sure the family unit remained secure. It was my husbands ego, macho attitude and wanting to fit in with the friendship group of so called men who felt that having more than one woman was the manly masculine way. Only quite quickly for him to find out that HE did not fit into that stereotypical view of masculinity, feeling shame and guilt as to what he did to me. I realise it was all HIM nothing to do with me and while he was having his own internal war of ego, insecurity and trying to be something he was not I became a collateral damage. Another thing I do know is that I am and will always be enough, I refuse to let the past affect me now and in the future. 
Don't get me wrong I still have a long way to go in the forgiveness of his actions, but by him being truly remorseful and trying to make up for his mistake over the past 16 years even though I was not aware makes me know that he also realises that I am more than he deserves. 
Stay strong you cannot lose yourself in another persons mistake, you must remember the hurt will go eventually and hopefully you can work it out.
Thank you for your kind words, try and enjoy the festive season and I hope that 2018 brings you a renewed joy and happiness either with a renewed marriage or a new start into being vibrant and confident for yourself.
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Trinity
Muffin, on forgiveness.  For me, I will never forgive the action but I have forgiven the person.  I have forgiven my husband for him being flawed.  I don't find necessary or advantageous to forgive his horrible choices and the end result of destruction.  That is between him and GOD not for me to forgive.  What I feel it is right to do is to forgive the human being and to be as merciful and graceful as I can.  

On Mistakes....  my husband called his cheating a "mistake", I quickly corrected him saying "Children make mistakes, MEN make choices" !!  That seemed to hit the nail on the head for him.  It showed him that I have things more together than he thinks I do, I am not a frail wife accepting of his pathetic actions AND that I know exactly what to do and what to do with him "if" he chooses improperly again.  

All that aside, I do want to rebuild our marriage as we were gong off the rails for 1-2 years before he cheated.  It wasn't great SO, right now I am hopeful that we can go through this together and just maybe something great is on the other side.  We shall see.

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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GingerHoneyBunny
My wife in her many apologies also calls it a mistake, a big mistake. Some how, I too have not been really able to accept it was mistake when she made the choices that led up to the affair and the choices to continue in the affair although she explains that they were just not able to extricate themselves out of that affair pit.
Male BS, D-Day 22th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think, cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
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anthropoidape
I guess it is a "mistake" in the form of a combination of impulsive behaviour, poor judgment, and disconnection from reality. And the idea that you are so special you are above the normal rules factors in. 

It is a mistake really. The distinction is that (a) it is not an accident and (b) any idiot could see all the consequences laid out before the "mistake" happened.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Keepabuzz
My wife also said her affair was the biggest mistake of her life early on after d-day. I quickly corrected her. It was not a mistake. It was thousands of immoral, selfish, unbelievably hurtful, destructive “choices” she made consciously. Any other description is a cop out. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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GingerHoneyBunny
just to add a little while we are on 'choices' made by the WS. My wife has reiterated that she loved me and only me now after 3 months post discovery. She reiterates that this is a firm choice she had made, that she wants to do the right thing. I find this really difficult to believe and accept. that she can love me again after the affair ended, not have any feelings left for the AP? not even residual feelings? She says its possible because its a choice she made to love me again and only me. I am not so sure myself. Now, I am not even sure of myself. Can I choose not to love her? Can I choose to leave her and love another? Or maybe if we dont divorce, I meet some one that I like, should I choose to stop loving her and leave her? Then, am I setting myself up for my own affair in the future by entertaining such thoughts? this is driving me nuts. I'm so nervous with 2018. Will I still 'choose' to love my WW or will I choose to succumb to the weakness of our current situation and choose to walk out on her if some one else comes along for me? What kind of person that makes me? Some kind of dirtbag or just a weak wounded husband?
Male BS, D-Day 22th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think, cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
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anthropoidape
I guess that seeing it as an option or a possibility makes you normal.... I hope so anyway as I certainly have and still do to some extent. 

Actually doing it, without endingthe marriage first? Dirtbag. If you decide to go, go with your honesty intact.

I am with you anyway. I often think the biggest threat to my marriage now is that somebody will give me the comfort that my wife is not inclined to give.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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GingerHoneyBunny
anthropoidape wrote:
I guess that seeing it as an option or a possibility makes you normal.... I hope so anyway as I certainly have and still do to some extent. 

Actually doing it, without endingthe marriage first? Dirtbag. If you decide to go, go with your honesty intact.

I am with you anyway. I often think the biggest threat to my marriage now is that somebody will give me the comfort that my wife is not inclined to give.


Thanks Anthro. Dirtbag it is and should be avoided at all cost, lol.. It's so  much an effort now to keep ourselves on the straight and narrow now. 
Male BS, D-Day 22th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think, cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
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blyrobin51

We may be kindred sisters!  I too don't believe affairs are a "mistake".....its a clear and definite choice, a decision, a jumping off point.   I also am not the frail emotionally weak person that will accept his pathetic actions or words.  His remorse and willingness to face our issues is the only reason I am able to stay and keep any modicum of self-respect.  it has been 18 mos for us.....(July 2016 D-Day)  and its just getting stabilized.   I only cry 1 a week now....not everyday.   the images and movies in my head have subsided quite a bit......I am still triggered by random bizarre things.....I am in the process of total forgiveness....I can see and believe his remorse, guilt, shame, regret, and I have empathy for him believe it or not.   weird. 
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