Ocean
Hello -I am a female. I just recently ( 3 months) reconnected with an affair I had last year. My husband forgave me and has let it go with very little questions last year... I really love my husband very much & I never want to hurt him again...

I reconnected with the other man & I should have never opened that door -he is not married..we did not have sexual relations this time ..just a very close connection... I don't understand why I do this? I guess bc I want need more passion.. I feel alone -I am successful in my career & I am a Christian -always praying for a way of escape! I think I finally ended it -I have told him since May -this is not right & he thinks i would be happier with him-that I would never feel the need to stray.....
I think I'm trying to feel an emptiness that only God can fill...

Any advice? I am grieving letting him go but I plan on sticking to it for my sanity & for my marriage & obey God! My husband does not know about this 2nd time.. I do not plan on telling him.. I don't want to hurt him.

Please be kind... I am distraught.
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Anna26
Ocean wrote:
Hello -I am a female. I just recently ( 3 months) reconnected with an affair I had last year. My husband forgave me and has let it go with very little questions last year... I really love my husband very much & I never want to hurt him again... I reconnected with the other man & I should have never opened that door -he is not married..we did not have sexual relations this time ..just a very close connection... I don't understand why I do this? I guess bc I want need more passion.. I feel alone -I am successful in my career & I am a Christian -always praying for a way of escape! I think I finally ended it -I have told him since May -this is not right & he thinks i would be happier with him-that I would never feel the need to stray..... I think I'm trying to feel an emptiness that only God can fill... Any advice? I am grieving letting him go but I plan on sticking to it for my sanity & for my marriage & obey God! My husband does not know about this 2nd time.. I do not plan on telling him.. I don't want to hurt him. Please be kind... I am distraught.


Hi Ocean,

As a betrayed wife I can only try and understand your point of view a little when you say 'you don't know why you do this'.  I'm guessing that there is something sadly lacking in your marriage that you are trying to find elsewhere instead of talking to your husband about it.  And that talking part of it is a difficult thing to do when you really don't know what it is that you feel is missing. In my husband's case I think it's just the fact that he has so much pressure on him from work, and elderly parents and a million and one other stressful things that he looked for another outlet instead of talking to me.  And actually talking to me is a huge problem for him because he is the most private and closed person I know.  He prefers to work things out on his own...but this time it has caused us another huge problem.

And neither is he very demonstrative towards me or (I feel) very emotionally connected, he's not an emotional person.  This is something that I actually need, but never seem to have had from him so I could quite see why a possible lack of connection or passion in your marriage might have the effect it has for you.  Sometimes I feel so sad because of this that I end up wondering 'is this all a marriage is' but there are so many other things that compensate for what it lacks.  I know it could be so much better if I could only get him to talk about things in the way I would like. We would have a much more honest and connected relationship.

It will be very painful for you letting your AP go, but if you are committed to your husband, and it sounds like you want this very much, then the NC rule is a must.  I think if your husband had asked more questions of you before, you might have found you were both able to resolve a lot of pre existing problems and even become a lot closer, and then the need to reconnect might not have been there.  This is something that my husband has yet to grasp... the fact that, painful though it is for the WS to be without the AP, if he/she tried to work with the BS at the marriage, the awfulness of the loss of the AP could be slowly replaced by a new and growing love for the spouse.  

After already ending the affair once, I suspect that it was probably to easy for you to get back in touch (or him with you) and start it up again.  Perhaps you hadn't really put it completely behind you.  Until you can stick to absolutely no contact you may find the temptation is still there..

I hope things work out for you and that I haven't been unkind [smile]



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Ocean
Thank you for your reply Anna. After the 1st time, my husband & I did reconnect & it seemed like a miracle! I would sincerely cry and wonder how I could ever do that to him! he told me that the devil is putting unnessessary guilt on me & to let it go bc he had..

I do have a demanding job & other stresses -maybe that is why... I also, in a way, was heart broken over ending the affair & never delt with that other than praying a lot. My husband told me that I was more than likely being used. I do know that the AP loved me like I'd never been loved before-or so it seemed...

Btw what does WS & BS mean?

On the other hand the initial pain I caused my husband was more heart breaking to me.

My husband is the kindest man I've ever met & I know he is always on my side.. I plan on focusing on making him happy & always being there for him like he is me...

Again, thank you for taking the time to share your situation & thoughts with me. Please don't forget about me If you think of something else...I'm in a hugely vulnerable place.

God bless you Anna.



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Kalmarjan
Ocean wrote:
Hello -I am a female. I just recently ( 3 months) reconnected with an affair I had last year. My husband forgave me and has let it go with very little questions last year... I really love my husband very much & I never want to hurt him again...

I reconnected with the other man & I should have never opened that door -he is not married..we did not have sexual relations this time ..just a very close connection... I don't understand why I do this? I guess bc I want need more passion.. I feel alone -I am successful in my career & I am a Christian -always praying for a way of escape! I think I finally ended it -I have told him since May -this is not right & he thinks i would be happier with him-that I would never feel the need to stray.....
I think I'm trying to feel an emptiness that only God can fill...

Any advice? I am grieving letting him go but I plan on sticking to it for my sanity & for my marriage & obey God! My husband does not know about this 2nd time.. I do not plan on telling him.. I don't want to hurt him.

Please be kind... I am distraught.


HI ocean...

Well, sorry to see you here.

I can speak on the same level as you. I've been there. All I can say is that deep down, you know what this is all about.

If I was to guess by the limited information on your post here, it looks like there was some quick forgiveness. Meaning, did you do a bit of soul searching to forgive yourself? You wrote that you have no idea why you would do this to your husband...

This is what is key to your transformation. Not only is no contact essential to your recovery, but self reflecting is even more important. working on yourself and being self-aware is how you will defeat your impulse to do something that you otherwise would not do. In other words, to use the devil analogy, it is like putting on the spiritual armor to deflect the temptation the devil may put on you. (Like Jesus did when he went into the desert on his fast and trials...)

It is easy to reopen that door, because you haven't figured out why you went there in the first place. All you know right now is that you didn't want to hurt your husband. Well, to do that you are gonna have to get honest with yourself and figure out what it is that is promoting you to open that door.

I know that it's tough, first hand. But it's worth it. No one says you have to choose a certain way, but I am saying you need to get honest with yourself.

I hope that helps...
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Kalmarjan
WS ="Wayward Spouse", BS ="Betrayed Spouse"
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TimT
Ocean wrote:
Any advice? I am grieving letting him go but I plan on sticking to it for my sanity & for my marriage & obey God! My husband does not know about this 2nd time.. I do not plan on telling him.. I don't want to hurt him. Please be kind... I am distraught.
Ocean, I have been where you are and I understand the conflict and confusion you feel. I also know that the sound advice of a thousand people is not likely to sway you until you firmly decide the story you are going to tell with your life. And if you decide that it is the story in which you learn to love your husband the best way you can (despite inadequacies, despite disappointments), you must commit to absolutely no contact. In my opinion, you should be honest with your husband, too.

If you haven't already done so, look in the Free Downloads section of this forum and download the "Shattered" eBook for unfaithful spouses. Also, the first article in the Finding the Broken Pieces eBook. Email me if you want more suggestions.
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Ocean
Thank you Kalmarjon & Tim for your advise & input.
I have been reading your resources Tim & I understand that I need self reflection Kal ... I have always considered it as sinful nature & temptation to hurt me & bring chaos & confusion & much inner turmoil & pain.

Kal-being self aware as to how to beat this impulse would be wonderful. Tim I will ready the Shattered ebook right now-I guess I missed it when searching...

I agree with the no contact.. I need help letting go completely of the AP- I have started talking to a therapist online last week & that seems to be helping some... But she cannot relate as most of you can... & your words & advice mean so much to me!!!!

Thank you again!!!





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TimT
Ocean wrote:
...I have started talking to a therapist online last week & that seems to be helping some... But she cannot relate as most of you can...

If you think it would be helpful, phone/Skype is always an option. But regardless, stay connected with us here. I'm glad you found us.
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Ocean
Thanks Tim! I'm glad too... I may need a phone call or 2 -how does this work?
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TimT
Ocean wrote:
Thanks Tim! I'm glad too... I may need a phone call or 2 -how does this work?

This page explains that option: http://www.affairhealing.com/talk-to-tim.html
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