Robin1971
8 months today past DD, and although we have come far from day 1, I find myself filled with so many different emotions, anger. Hurt, bitterness. Etc I/ we are still in therapy, I am now on Meds for depression. Through this whole ordeal, I have lost every ounce of caring for anything, I have lost too much weight, not trying to unfortunately my body just rejects food, my hair is falling out. I have no energy. I don't seem to focus on him and her every second of the day as much as I seem to focus on how this has changed me physically and emotionally. I find myself making a parallel for every story/ church service/ moral lesson to his affair. If he says something about the scumbag terrorists, I find myself getting angery inside at him for having any sort of opinion on anything about anyone that does something wrong, because he ruined me! This probably makes no sense to anyone, and thus is kart of my problem. I can't explain the strong feelings I have

I'm so tired of people saying, just get out of the marriage than. You obviously are not going to ever get past it. But is that true? Is that a good answer. Because it's more than the marriage now, it's like will I ever feel better about anything? Im trying, every second, every breath I take, I am trying!! Yes I've been told life is hard. But life should be hard together as a team, right? Not be trying to overcome such strong obstacles in my head alone. And he is trying, he is, but this is beyond his reach, he can't fix this. Affairs are not fixable.

Just thinking ...
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surviving
Oh Robin1971 - my heart breaks for you.  However, everything you wrote is completely normal.  I do the same things.  I also lost weight, but I needed to do that.  Someone said that adultery is like a death.  If you look up the stages of someone you love dying, you will see that you are going through the stages.  I am 27 months from DDay.  My anger is almost gone.  Most of my thoughts of "her" and the other "hers" are disappearing.  I still have thoughts of the affair(s) during a sermon, song, or normal life.  I don't know when that will leave me because it is still pretty strong.  When we got rid of everything in the house that reminded me of "her," there was so much relief.  We also went room to room praying her out of the house.  We are not even in the same house or the same state, yet she was living in each and every room.  She is gone now, God is good!  According to the books, my husband is doing everything right.  I am concerned that I won't like the "new" husband.  I didn't like the one that mistreated me for 34+ years, I am not sure I will like the new one.  Adultery changes everything. 
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Why
Robyn1971
No you can't fix it or make it go away. You have to grieve it, and no one really understands that. I had to isolate myself from my family because no one understands the pain of the loss of your ideals, you faith in things, your self image, your heart and soul. I am still struggling with grief 2 years after d- day of my husband's 5 year relationship "marriage" ( they celebrated anniversaries). I want you to know that it will become less regardless of your decision. If you are trying to work it out I commend you, it is truly the more difficult road. Society is too quick to tell us to get a divorce although, I do believe some should. Take time to grieve, be angry and cry!!!! It needs to get out of you. I know its hard but just remember its not your fault!!!!! I would get angry and walk my neighborhood to calm down. I did Pilates videos, if you are losing weight now's the time to get the killer body you always wanted. Do it for you! Hang in there and if you can find a local beyond affairs network group to meet with, they are a great source of help. Don't try to move too fast and if in counselling make sure they aren't blaming you or in couples therapy disregarding your feelings. I went through 3 therapist to find on willing to help me through the grief. I am still working on the PTSD aspects though. I still get flight responses where I feel like turning into Forrest gump and just walking until I'm done walking.

Hope that helps
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Courage
It is so hard. I feel for you and everyone else who has had to endure this. Everything you post, I have felt and still feel 14 months past discovery. My WH completely cut ties with his AP since DDAY. What he failed to do though, was to honestly answer my ' big' questions about the affair. His sworn statements over and over again that he was telling the truth about the extent of the affair have proven to be lie after lie. I recently found a visa statement during the affair of a hotel bill. He lied about it, said he booked it but she couldn't get away. That was one of my big questions, ' did you ever spend the night with her?' He adamantly over and over said no. Said he would have liked to but she couldn't get away bc her husband was too controlling. I wanted to believe him, that's all I want, to trust and move on... But I'd wake up in the night with a huge pit in my stomach. I knew in my soul his story didn't jive. Finally, a week ago he admitted they had a few nights here and there during there 2 year affair where they went away. At this point he also had to admit that there was sex, which he told me it never got to intercourse. So here I am, 14 months of trying to piece together this relationship that went on under my nose, clinging to his stories and praying that I could just accept them. However, intuition always prevails... And once again, my turmoil with the 'sworn truths' have rung true. I told him that he has finally broken me. That I can't take another lie. I think this has broken him too... Finally. I am angry for all I've had to endure. The affair - hell, but the lies- unimaginable pain. I too have lost over 25 lbs, been on anti anxiety pills and anti depressants( which I have never taken before in my life), I've had to take a leave from work a few months ago, I've had nothing to give my children, I've lost all faith in what I thought the world was. When I read all these stories that basically echo mine I get so angry!! The price we have all paid for our WS''s unhappiness is immeasurable. I am working to once again add more pieces to this incomplete puzzle that my husband has withheld from me, even as he saw me struggle with not believing his sworn truths. I want to forgive, I want to trust. I want to rebuild a marriage with this man who other than the lies about the affair, has been committed to me and our family since DDAY...but oh so hard. The alternative of ending my marriage doesn't seem like a great alternative either. In so many ways, our marriage is better than it ever has been. But it's his reluctance to answer my questions about the affair truthfully have pretty much destroyed me. I do see his reasons- he didn't want to hurt me further, he didn't want to ruin our progress ... But I think we could have been so much further ahead if he was just damn honest!!!! Ugh - so hard!
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Kalmarjan
Courage,

I'm sorry you went through this. Man, we're (us WS) stupid. I think I thought that by not telling, or denying certain parts we actually (wrongly) think we are protecting you from pain.

Honestly, just telling the truth would hurt a lot, but not half as much as having to start rebuilding trust, only to have it shattered because of dishonesty.

To all those WS out there thinking you're being a Knight in shining armorial by "saving" your BS from the pain of the truth...

WAKE UP.

YOU'RE PROLONGING THINGS.

Tell the truth, and give the relationship the chance to start again, or at least be on a playing field. Every time you WS covers up something, you tell another lie which will be found out, and then you're back to the beginning. You're frustrated because you feel like your BS will never trust you again, and you've done nothing wrong since you came back.

Wrong amigos!

You're at fault. Tell the whole truth and then you never have to worry about being found out again. Simple. Stupid. It's the easiest way through this.
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Why
Courage, I have been through that too, the never ending lies, they do end and hopefully your ws will get wise to taking responsibility. When they do finally "get it", it will feel like a weight is lifted. Hold on. I felt many times that I needed to leave even when I knew I didn't want to. I would always share how I felt, and when I could control my emotions well enough to deliver that message, it got in. We have years of work still to do but we are finally on our way 2 years later.

Kal, thanks for the words for the butt heads [smile]
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