ssix6pack
Our little girl is here. Healthy, and quite a wonderful baby. The virus that she had while in the womb is gone, no lasting effects. 

But, I’m definitely feeling more conflicted. Maybe hormones? Maybe not. I don’t know. I am having a harder time wanting to connect with him, I feel like I’m here...married and still going...but it’s quite empty from my perspective. I don’t feel joy or pride in my marriage. Just - I stayed. I’m doing the “right” thing. I’m hoping the emotions will come. 

Anyway. Having a baby in the midsts of all of this is hard. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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ABCOneTwoThree
I’ve been there. I actually had one of many DDays with my ex husband while pregnant with my youngest. It made it hard to connect to the pregnancy, and hard to make any real decisions. I had to go get STD tested when I was about 6 months pregnant because of his “extra curriculars”. It was humiliating. 
Once she was born I was in a similar place as you, questioning things, not feeling as happy as I wanted to because of his actions. 
I hope you can find some peace, and some healing both physically and emotionally right now. Don’t forget to take care of you, it’s so hard to remember with a new baby around. 
Formerly EasyAsABC 
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ssix6pack
I’ve been there. I actually had one of many DDays with my ex husband while pregnant with my youngest. It made it hard to connect to the pregnancy, and hard to make any real decisions. I had to go get STD tested when I was about 6 months pregnant because of his “extra curriculars”. It was humiliating. 
Once she was born I was in a similar place as you, questioning things, not feeling as happy as I wanted to because of his actions. 
I hope you can find some peace, and some healing both physically and emotionally right now. Don’t forget to take care of you, it’s so hard to remember with a new baby around. 


yes, d day 2 was three days before the test read positive. I was devastated. 

I dont feel like I'm struggling to connect/bond with the baby. I’m thankful for that. And, I’m resting and eating well. I’m glad someone else has “been there”. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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anthro
Upside, you have a new human in your life who will love you and all your other children, and be loved by you and them, long after your WH's behaviour is a distant memory. Your kids will have each other, including this new sibling, long after you and your husband are gone, in fact. 

The way you are feeling is pretty reasonable and doesn't sound like anything is mixed up hormonally to me. 

I think one of the single biggest things a WS can do to help with reconciliation, which is not mentioned a lot, is to seriously lift their game as a parent (in cases where there are kids). Being a genuinely committed, hands-on and involved dad who picks up a lot of the load would be a good move for your husband right now, let's hope he thinks of it. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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ssix6pack
anthro wrote:
Upside, you have a new human in your life who will love you and all your other children, and be loved by you and them, long after your WH's behaviour is a distant memory. Your kids will have each other, including this new sibling, long after you and your husband are gone, in fact. 

The way you are feeling is pretty reasonable and doesn't sound like anything is mixed up hormonally to me. 

I think one of the single biggest things a WS can do to help with reconciliation, which is not mentioned a lot, is to seriously lift their game as a parent (in cases where there are kids). Being a genuinely committed, hands-on and involved dad who picks up a lot of the load would be a good move for your husband right now, let's hope he thinks of it. 


this has been a new pattern of his. He’s a fantastic dad, far better than he used to be. Very involved, hands on, etc. I *know*, logically, he’s a great husband and father NOW. I’m just waiting for my emotions to catch up...

He ensures I get rest. He’s lightened my load substantially as I heal, etc. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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anthro
ssix6pack wrote:


this has been a new pattern of his. He’s a fantastic dad, far better than he used to be. Very involved, hands on, etc. I *know*, logically, he’s a great husband and father NOW. I’m just waiting for my emotions to catch up...

He ensures I get rest. He’s lightened my load substantially as I heal, etc. 


Good! I am the type to remain skeptical for a fair while, but I'll give him some credit for this. As someone said to me soonish after d-day - even if you do separate you are going to have a relationship as co-parents, so getting the parenting together right is an important job no matter what. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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ThrivenotSurvive
I have no idea if this is true for you but whenever I feel unusually vulnerable now, I tend towards one of two extremes.  The first is high anxiety - the other is a nearly “flat” affect.  

I’ve learned healthy ways of calming my central nervous system which will almost always soothe the high anxiety version.  The “flat” one typically is harder to deal with and takes more time to dissipate.  

I am wondering if giving birth and all the corresponding hormonal changes - not to mention the emotions - have made you feel very vulnerable (I know I did when I gave birth.)

I think there are natural mechanisms that try to kick in to protect us when life is too overwhelming.  That may be what is happening here.  I wouldn’t overthink it right now.  Let him take good care of you and your children right now and give it six months or so.  If it lasts longer than that, you may want to consider marriage counseling but for now, it’s likely you body and mind’s way of protecting you when you are in a vulnerable situation.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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ssix6pack
I have no idea if this is true for you but whenever I feel unusually vulnerable now, I tend towards one of two extremes.  The first is high anxiety - the other is a nearly “flat” affect.  

I’ve learned healthy ways of calming my central nervous system which will almost always soothe the high anxiety version.  The “flat” one typically is harder to deal with and takes more time to dissipate.  

I am wondering if giving birth and all the corresponding hormonal changes - not to mention the emotions - have made you feel very vulnerable (I know I did when I gave birth.)

I think there are natural mechanisms that try to kick in to protect us when life is too overwhelming.  That may be what is happening here.  I wouldn’t overthink it right now.  Let him take good care of you and your children right now and give it six months or so.  If it lasts longer than that, you may want to consider marriage counseling but for now, it’s likely you body and mind’s way of protecting you when you are in a vulnerable situation.  


i think this is exactly it. I’ve been doing some more “soul searching”, and I think I need to use this time to be more proactive and not reactive to my emotions. 

Ive asked my husband to start our weekly check ins again - we stopped because we were doing affair recovery’s weekly phone calls, but that’s no longer happening. So, I think that structured check in time is helpful for me. 

And also, I’m trying to pick one to two character qualities that I DO like to revert my attention to when negative thoughts arise. Anthro’s response encouraged me to pick “a great dad” for this week. Slowly, I hope that my mind will go to those positive qualities more quickly again. 

But you're right. His affairs in the past always occurred in/around pregnancy. And, I’m feeling very vulnerable and at-risk if you will. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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ThrivenotSurvive
That makes perfect sense.  Be gentle with yourself 🙂
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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