Ttsd
It has been almost two years since I found out about my WH's first affair. I thought it was short lived and ended upon discovery. One year later (Jan 2015) I discovered he met her on line on a Sugar Daddy site he had been trolling neary three years. They made contact again and he was seeing other women from the site on occasion.
I snooped for a while, gathered ammo, saw an attorney and got a counselor, and confronted him. He could not have been more remorseful and blown out of the water upon my confrontation. Begged me to stay with him, insisted he didn't want a divorce and went to counseling which I had been asking for since DDay 1. Of course he had all the standard reasons: I neglected him for the children and everyone else, he was lonely, he has life issues, etc. At first I felt guilty, especially since our sex life was terrible and had been for some time. I just didn't feel like it, ever.

He has remained remorseful and attentive and seems very invested in Sav ng our marriage. I can tell his counseling is doing wonders for his self esteem and dealing with stress and life, which he was 't good at before. He has turned into Pollyanna where I have become cynical and cold. I have asked for marriage counseling but he says he isn't ready. I also know that he has not shared any of his marriage issues, including Infidelity , with his counselor because he told me.

My dilema, besides the obvious, is that I just feel ambivalent about him now. And often annoyed. I have no libido, and don't want any physical contact at all. I am going through the motions of devoted wife, but my heart is not in it.

So I keep asking my self is this a result of the cheating or did I feel this way before and not know because I was too busy raising kids and caregiving everyone else? Can I get the old pre-kids feelings back when I haven't felt them for years and now there is also the feeling of being betrayed by the person I thought was my rock?

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Kalmarjan
I can't answer as a betrayed spouse. I can say that I've done a LOT of reading over the last few months, including about how a husband can change his actions and mindset to help his partner desire them more.

Frankly, I'm not surprised you are not attracted to your husband. He's not giving you a my sense of safety, aside from lip service.

He hasn't told his IC about the infidelity? How is he working to fix this problem? He isn't ready for MC? Why or why not?

I can see you also said "DDay #1," has there been more?

In my case, it was fixing myself and doing the work that seemed to have a positive change within our relationship. I could have told my wife until I was blue in the face that "I'd never do it again," but unless I walked the walk, I can't see how she would even believe me there.

I hope I helped a bit there...
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Intuition77
Sorry for what your going through. I don't have answers and my own marriage is ending but my first thought when reading your post is that he seems to be doing better and focusing on himself while you seem to be getting worse. Perhaps your not focusing enough on yourself? I could see how if he's focused on himself and your still focused on just him and the marriage and he's not focusing on you and the marriage (refusing marriage counseling or even dealing with the infidelity in his counseling) then it's almost like he's out in a lifeboat and your stuck clinging to a sinking ship. This would greatly affect your own sense of well being.

I know how you feel about the total change it causes your own beliefs. The cynical bitter feelings and it changed your whole outlook on life and marriage etc. That's hard to deal with. Maybe you can really turn up your focus on you and what you need to heal feel better etc (just you. Not him. Not the marriage) and maybe right now it doesn't have to be a decision about the marriage. Just a decision to move yourself forward and if he doesn't want to consider your needs and feelings then you'll be in a better position to get on with your life.
I was a caretaker too and yes this hits us and it's like a wth moment of where did I go? What about me, I spent all these years worrying and taking care of everyone else and now I'm dealt this! I took that to heart and decided right then I needed to change me for me. It's not selfish if I'm taking care of me to the best for those I love. So I really had to learn how to put my needs first. I admit as a single mom now I still struggle with this but it's in my focus now. I wish you the best and hope you can find some healing for yourself even if he chooses not to be a part of it.
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Ttsd
Thanks for your reply. And yes, I discovered what I thought to be an isolated, short lived affair in Jan 2014. He assured me he stopped and we muddied through 2014. In Jan 2015, I discovered he had joined an on-line sugar Daddy service in June 2013 and the that was where he had met the previous woman. He had reconnected with her and was seeing other women from the site when I discovered this in January 2015. He went to counseling, as did I, separately. In March I discovered he was still communicating with two of the woman, but he justified it as "just" lunch. I told him that was unacceptable and again asked for MC together. He said he wasn't ready for that. At that point I decided to work on me for now and stay in the marriage until a path was clear. We have twin 16 year olds and a very comfortable life. Selfishly, I don't want to upset them or lose what comfort I have. As far as I know, he's extricated himself but who knows. His interpersonal skills and anger coping skills have improved and he seems to be trying to mend us. I can tell his counseling is helping him with many Iife issues he's always had and I'm glad for him about that. It's not really helping me or our marriage.
I can't help but distrust him all the time and judge every motive and action. I'm reluctant about ultimatums since I don't know what I want.
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Robin1971
I think it's great he is working on himself, but he needs to be honest with his therapist, or he really is NOT working on himself totally. You need to work on you. I totally get what you are asking, kids takes a lot out of moms, at least it did me. I felt like I gave in other ways. It really was never that important to me to have sex, but apparently it is so much more for a man. I thought things were ok because I asked and this part was brought up and we were working on it, but I guess he was working on it elsewhere too. But now In my case I'm dealing with a cheater also, so I have hard feelings to get past with that. My heart is not in it at all. I go thru the motions because I want to feel those feelings again. I hold his hand because I want those feelings back, I get angry that he took those from me, but I am the only one who can get them back so I have to give it my all and try.

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Kalmarjan
I second this.. ^^

In no way is it your fault that your WS cheated because you didn't have more sex.

Speaking as a person who is currently struggling with a porn addiction, I can definitely say it's not about the sex per se, but more about the fantasy. Prior to my affair, I could have had sex pretty much when I wanted to, as long as it was in the confines of what my wife liked.

That meant that perhaps I'd have to wait until 11h30 and the news was over before we could go upstairs and do the same routine that we always did. Not that anything is wrong with that, but instead of communicating that I wanted and craved some change, I turned to porn to fulfil the need that I had.

Then, it became an outlet to fantasize about those porn stars as opposed to my wife during sex. This is why porn is so bad for a person like me. In essence, I guess I started emotionally cheating on my wife a long time ago.

Porn is so prevalent today. It can be had with a few keystrokes on my phone in an incognito browser, and none is the wiser. So, much like the AP, porn has to be complete NC.

So, the problem was not with my wife, or the amount of sex I craved. The problem was with ME. I suspect the same with your husbands.

Don't ever think you are responsible for their actions. I'm willing to lay out a bet that they never, ever communicated that they were thinking about straying. I'm sure that never ever crossed their minds, given that they tried to hide what they did.

Also, that site, the Sugar Daddy site. I remember seeing that in my AP email on her phone. I googled that, and I remember being horrified about what that was all about. Then I saw a Dr. PHIL episode where he interviewed a sugar baby.a real eye opener.

No, the fault isn't with any AP. Sure, there may be situations that led up to the door of choice, but NONE of you are to blame for your WS choice to walk through that door.
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