JKoloseik
Why fight? I am too tired. I want to give it all up.
Quote 0 0
Keepabuzz
We have to fight because it’s the only option we have. It’s not the only option to stay with a WS, but we do have to fight for ourselves. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
Quote 0 0
JKoloseik
do you ever feel like you're just too tired of it all?
Quote 0 0
Keepabuzz
Yes, all the time. I’m am constantly exhausted. I don’t have energy for anything anymore.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
Quote 1 0
JKoloseik
I am sorry for your heartache... but it is nice to know I am not abnormal.
Quote 1 0
anthropoidape
Yep. There is nothing so exhausting that I can think of.

You are entitled to just crawl into bed and do nothing for a while if you need to.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
Quote 0 0
JKoloseik
I tried that. He huffed at me. So that is why I came here. I don't know what is ok. But you're right. If I am tired, who cares what others say? Thank you for your words of encouragement. I think I'll spend some time with me.
Quote 1 0
Mikey4
Yes. I am sick of my regrets I regret every good memory I have in my life. I am sick of the shame I feel for being faithful. I am sick of living in a world where all my dreams and aspirations have been stolen from me. I understand completely... But their is always new things and new hopes and dreams.
Quote 1 0
anthropoidape
JKoloseik wrote:
I tried that. He huffed at me. So that is why I came here. I don't know what is ok. But you're right. If I am tired, who cares what others say? Thank you for your words of encouragement. I think I'll spend some time with me.


Exactly. He doesn't get a vote. And if he wants some involvement he can put some snacks on your bedside table for you. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
Quote 1 0
JKoloseik
Mikey4 wrote:
I am sick of the shame I feel for being faithful.


I didn't know others felt shame for being faithful. Your words could have come from my own thoughts. I struggle with wanting to be... I dunno.... Just as filthy.
Quote 2 0
GingerHoneyBunny
yes it tiring. every day fighting yourself. stay or leave? right or wrong? was i good enough or not? what did i do right or wrong to contribute to the breakdown of the marriage? i almost gave up this week. Only God stood in the way of my conscience. WW is remorseful, and contrite.
Male BS, D-Day 26th September 2017.
9 month affair.
Bleeding heart...
Quote 0 0
JKoloseik
God is the only strength I have. I am so thankful for His arms that hold me safe.
Quote 2 0
Keepabuzz
Many of we BSs struggle with shame, I know I do. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
Quote 0 0
GingerHoneyBunny
The shame is terrible and paradoxical. I only felt some humiliation in the very early beginning of discovery. But, later on until today its being ashamed. Ashamed of myself that my wife has reduced herself to such a level. Ashamed of myself for staying (self perception of being weak, although many say it is actually a position of strength and pride which I am trying hard to realign my thinking to). Ashamed of almost everything.

I'm about 3 months plus in. Im feeling better than I did 2 months ago but never a minute and a day that thoughts about the affair have left me. I'm so tired and leaving is starting to look like an easier choice. In fact, last week, the voices in my head egged on me so much, I almost gave in. Friday and Saturday, I did not touch my wife. I said so many things out of anger and confusion that I dont even remember most of it. But the core is that; "I want a divorce. U dont deserve me. I deserve better. I'm gonna move out and grow my own strength. I cant get over your freaking affair. I cant get over you loving another man. I cant get over you sleeping with another man. I'm losing my feeling of love for you. We are not going to make it past 2018. I feel no covenant with you. I still dont feel Im your husband. I have no obligation to you, thus, I may still walk out on you if I meet some one else that I like, etc".

She almost agreed. We almost agreed to getting a lawyer to settle the matter and I told her that we could be divorced by August of September 2018 the latest. She thought not to be selfish and agreed to let me go but still kept reminding and trying to show me that she cared and loved only me and wanted very much to make things right before God. She even told me to pray about it first. It was pretty intense. On one side was myself and whatever voices in my head. On the other side,  the hard teachings about marriage in Ephesians 5. This time, God's voice won, I calmed down, apologized and did not ask for a divorce again although the thought has not left me completely. So far, she has done everything right. NC and stuff. Remorseful and more importantly contrite. Showing more effort and I even see her becoming a better and different person. I'm trying so very hard to change the lens which I view her so that I may feel that I can fall in love with this "new" person. Its hard. So very HARD. I still feel immensely betrayed and hurt which I dont hide from telling her.
Male BS, D-Day 26th September 2017.
9 month affair.
Bleeding heart...
Quote 0 0
Keepabuzz
I know exactly how you feel. 3 months is still very early into this process. My wife was similar, very remorseful and contrite. She did everything I asked, and really put the effort into making me feel loved, and fixing all her issues. 

I know the shame you speak of well. I almost felt like it would have been easier if she had not been remorseful, it would have made it easier to leave her. It felt like she destroyed me, but if I left, it would somehow still be my fault. This is due to all the effort she was putting in. 

I honestly didnt really start start to feel better until about a year out. I struggled so much, just like you are. Should I stay, or go? The constant question in my mind. What helped me was to decide to “not decide”, not for a while. I gave myself a date, I didn’t tell my wife, or anyone else. I decided that I would wait until the 6 month mark from d-day. When that day would come, I planned to reassess. I didn’t make that a hard decision date, but a date that “could” decide to leave, or I could decide to give myself more time. This allowed me to not feel that pressure of that decision every minute of every day. When I got to 6 months, I spent most of the day thinking about what to do. I decided to give it 6 more months. These extension times were 100% dependent on her not violating ANY of my boundaries. For example, if she had broken no contact, I would have left immediately.  She didn’t, she did pretty much everything right. So I gave her the opportunity to prove her self. 

Take the pressure off yourself. Set a date in the future, it could be 3 months or 5, or 6. You pick it. Once you set that date in your mind, put the decision aside and focus on self care. I really sucked at this. I actually still do.  Take care of you, make that your focus.

 I know you are in misery right now, just know that it does get better. Not as fast as we all would like, but it does. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
Quote 1 0

Add a Website Forum to your website.