Reese
It's been over 6 months of attempting to reconcile after my wayward husband had an affair with the baker at work, left me for her and ultimately abandoned us (our children and myself) for months. 

I have been trying so hard and think initially was so caught up in emotion that I was blind to the reality that my wh is not putting in the effort and doing enough or that he ever will. 

Right off the bat he agreed to work together, be accountable, honest, give transparency and even go to therapy. He ended up drawing things out- had to go to a job out of town for a month which turned into two months, went right back to either ignoring me while he was gone or flat out screaming at me for having the nerve to call him after no contact for days. Then came home, we fought like crazy for about 3 weeks, then he switched. Something changed and he started trying? He started answering my questions, being careful not to get defensive or react poorly to my anger. He even finally wrote out a timeline. The next 3 weeks went that way then back out to another job. He's keeping in contact, texting and calling but gets very defensive if I bring anything up. Does the whole we just talked about this, when will it end, etc etc.

He still has not given me access to anything other than his phone- and he gets super irritated about that and tries to monitor me while accessing it, and Facebook... both of which he deleted all messages from, pictures off his phone and even factory reset it... and only after the two month stint away where he treated me so poorly. He gets angry when I ask for his list of accounts and passwords. When I looked at his phone I was smart enough to look at the apps not installed section and there were NINE dating apps. He swears he never even used them... just like he swears he was never planning on marrying her even though he had saved images of engagement rings on his phone and computer during the time the affair was hot and heavy. He tells me he never wanted a divorce yet that's exactly what he told me repeatedly during that time. He's lied about numerous things and then told the truth later, but still hangs on to plenty of lies I know not to be true. 

I am just thinking that honestly I can't do it. Is this normal? Part of me thought he was slow to come out of the fog because the timeframe for that fits with when he started trying but he actually told me yesterday that giving me the list of accounts is not worth it even if it calms my anxiety. I don't even know how to respond to that. How can you profess to love someone so much yet continue to make choices that hurt them?

Any feedback or insight is appreciated. I should note- I'm currently 6 months pregnant. We slept together one time (were careful but apparently not careful enough)  and I was immediately pregnant. Not at all planned but children are a blessing none the less. However he frequently tells me that I'm just hormonal and overreacting about things when I'm upset. 

I don't think I'm just being hormonal. Although if things continue on this path, I'm terrified I will have postpartum depression. 

Thanks for listening friends. 🌻
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Crushed
Its been 3 and a half years and I am still getting the same crap you are. They think if the gaslighting, stonewalling, lying and omitting of information, getting angry, getting defensive that you will finally just let them get away with it and they wont have to work on themselves. I have finally decided it's just not worth the effort anymore.   I asked him to leave and limit my contact with him. things never change until you change them for yourself.
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ThrivenotSurvive

I hate to say this, but not one thing you listed abut your husband's behavior says true remorse to me.  As best I can tell he is doing the least he can do to keep you and his kids while rejecting any long term changes or accepting any serious responsibility for what he's done and how it has effected you.  

The fact that at just 5 months he's doing the whole "we just talked about this" and "when will it end" is LAUGHABLE.  I am less than two months from 4 years - and while it isn't a common topic - we still talk about it when stuff comes up for me.  The difference is that now both he and I are calmer about it and it typically gets discussed and worked through quite quickly.  But at TWO YEARS out it was still a FREQUENT topic of HARD conversation.  If you'd been run over by a car, and then the person looked in the rear view mirror, saw you bleeding and then backed up and ran over you again, you'd likely still be working through the trauma (and the healing!) of that event for years... same thing here... the scars are just not visible. 

"He still has not given me access to anything other than his phone- and he gets super irritated about that and tries to monitor me while accessing it, and Facebook... both of which he deleted all messages from, pictures off his phone and even factory reset it... and only after the two month stint away where he treated me so poorly. He gets angry when I ask for his list of accounts and passwords. When I looked at his phone I was smart enough to look at the apps not installed section and there were NINE dating apps."

There are so many red flags in this section I will just say one thing - BULLsh$%.  Not giving you access is a deal breaker.  Sitting with you while you look at his phone - manipulative and bullying behavior.  The dating apps?  Whether he used them or not, he took the time and effort to download - that is intention.  

I personally only know of one case where the person exhibited this bullheaded of an approach after DD and the couple eventually successfully reconciled - Kilmarjan.  And he has repeatedly made it clear that what finally made him get his head out of his a$$ was that his wife moved on.  Completely.  She did a full 180 for her own health and well-being and made a new life for herself.  At some point she even saw other men (he was living with the AP at the time if I remember correctly.) But she DID NOT do it as a ploy to get him back and he could see/feel the difference.  She was MOVING ON.  And something finally got through his thick skull.  It took a long time to get past the damage that was done, but they did it.  However, I believe his was a 1 in 10,000 cases kind of story.  

If my husband had acted like yours - I would have left.  For me to rebuild, he had to be willing to accept that for a period of time (a long one) his needs for autonomy and control were superseded by my need for transparency.  It was hard for him at first, but he understood that he'd created the situation - and - he was asking something ENORMOUS of me to try to learn to trust him again.  That he was going to have to work HARD for that trust and be an open book emotionally and physically (phone/accounts etc) in a way he'd NEVER done before (i'd never seen a need to ask).  After an initial period of discomfort, he actually found that he liked it.  I think discovering that he could be emotionally "naked" in front of someone and them still find him "worthy" of love was a revelation.  But regardless - it was the ONLY path forward for me.  

Your reaction is utterly normal - and completely emotionally healthy given the situation.  His is not.  Your post is FULL of red flags and I don't think he is a healthy or safe partner for you.  Are you in a position to be able to separate/divorce?  If at all possible, I'd leave, but I realize it is not always that easy.  

I am so sorry that you are going through this at all, much less pregnant.  

BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Reese
We are currently going through divorce which I "stayed" twice now... which is about when he starts "trying"
He never responded and it is awaiting a default hearing. I get everything I asked for. 

It's a bit messier with the baby on the way, and the current economy/unknown future due to the Coronavirus. Financially may be a bit tougher but I likely could leave. 

If I leave, I'm moving away and I'm almost certain that he will never try to change or attempt to make a true amends. 

He told me last night not to call him again if I'm just going to fight with him, but he's been taking any talk about how I feel as a personal attack.
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ThrivenotSurvive
Reese wrote:
 He told me last night not to call him again if I'm just going to fight with him, but he's been taking any talk about how I feel as a personal attack.


That is about as clear as it gets.  He's told you what you can expect from him.  It's not enough - I would leave.  You deserve FAR, FAR more.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Broken2018
Reese, so sorry. I know exactly how you are doubting yourself, "fool me once....." It's hard to trust anybody after being betrayed by your spouse. The one thing I can say is
"ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT" 
Best of luck to you..
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Keepabuzz
I used to be the type to trust until given reason not to, but always listened to my gut and it never steered me wrong. It was screaming at me that “something” was wrong during my wife’s affair, but my dumba$$ kept taking her word. What a fool I was.  NEVER again, first, I will NEVER trust anyone completely again, and my gut will always out rank my wife’s word, or anyone else’s. I have made that very clear to her. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Experiencethedevine29

Reese wrote:
We are currently going through divorce which I "stayed" twice now... which is about when he starts "trying"
He never responded and it is awaiting a default hearing. I get everything I asked for. 

It's a bit messier with the baby on the way, and the current economy/unknown future due to the Coronavirus. Financially may be a bit tougher but I likely could leave. 

If I leave, I'm moving away and I'm almost certain that he will never try to change or attempt to make a true amends. 

He told me last night not to call him again if I'm just going to fight with him, but he's been taking any talk about how I feel as a personal attack.


Reese, I’m so sorry dear lady, but the dick head you married is a f**k nugget you can live without and live a better life altogether...I wish you a much happier future.


ETD🌻 

Expectation is the root of all heartache.. ’Will Shakespeare
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ActaNonVerba
You might want to head over to chumplady.com  
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