kaleidoscope7
D day was 9/1/15 when WS told me he was screwing his new boss. Sorry for the language, it's actually cleaner than what he said to me. I went NC and into deep therapy afterward. He tried contacting me weekly -- and weakly -- until just after Thanksgiving, when I perceived that he was just baiting me. I told him that the next time he did, I would refer it to the police, this AP, and his ex-wife (with whom he has an ongoing EA; she divorced him to marry her OM).

Just writing that makes me wonder what I was even doing with a person like this. Looking at this with a little distance now, D-day 2015 was really probably D-day #4. This is a chronic problem since 2012. I'll spare you all of those stories, except to say that they inform a lot of my answers here.

The reason I landed in the AH forums is that he had been telling me for weeks prior to D-day that this woman, his new boss, really reminded him of me. Her likes and dislikes, her career type and trajectory, the way she talked, her mannerisms. I had already heard enough, before his big reveal. I can't tell you how many shiny new things I've heard too much about. Most of them I think were just fantasy, EA, and fleeting enough. This one was different. He had never hauled off and hurt me with this kind of information before. And since I've gone NC, he has never once refuted what he said.

The bigger reason that I landed here is that I had to find out more about this woman. I have very strong investigative skills as we all do under the circumstances, and I have found this woman all over the place online. She's attractive and accomplished and clearly lively and an extrovert. I came to this site because I found her Instagram stream -- and I can't stop referencing it. I wouldn't say I'm obsessed or obsessing. It's more like I have my finger on the pulse and I'm just feeling content that I know ...something. I don't even know what. He isn't in any of her pictures. But she is.

What the hell *is* this? I check it as often as I check my Facebook or other social media, like it's just part of my routine or like she's someone I actually know. I half feel entitled to do it, since he's made her out to be my twin or something.

She's like the 2012 version of me, except for the VP job title. I understood something about her through seeing the Instagram account, and about him too. What reminds him of me is her capacity for happiness. It's something he doesn't really understand. So whatever they are I don't think it will last.

I also can see from the photos that she's more of a clown than I am. So many selfies. Something childish and childless. If that's what he wants, it isn't me.

I feel satisfied having found the stream, but I am puzzled at how unwilling I am to give it up. I would rather watch it, than think of him or attempt to repair anything between us. I guess in a sense that must mean I have left the relationship altogether, maybe, and just haven't realized it yet.

Do any of you have similar access to the AP's content? Why am I keeping tabs on this woman, when I'm not even keeping tabs on him? Is this normal? I mean of course it isn't, but ...is it a typical or common response?
Quote 0 0
Kalmarjan
Well, you're obsessed. You're trying to find am answer as to why your WS is an assh*le that left you for something shiny and new.

You are trying to reconcile what it is that she has that you don't, and where you basically went wrong.

This is DDay #4? Wow. You've more patience than most.

You've eventually got to get to a point where you are okay with yourself. I don't think that you could have done anything differently. It would seem from your description that your husband has an obvious lack of boundaries and sense of what is right for him. An extension that hurts you.

You said you went no contact with your husband. I think you can agree that's not true. As long as you keep up with this AP goings in, you are in a way, keeping in contact with your husband. Maybe not directly, but very much so indirectly.

You seem to be holding onto a lot of hurt. If I were to guess, I'd sat you're almost punishing yourself for what your WS did. I wonder can you take comfort on the fact that he has done this before, and nothing you've done so far has changed that? So it's NOT you, it's HIM. Past behaviour is a good predictor of future behavior if there is no real effort to change.

That means even IF he were to somehow make it work with this AP, he WILL end up cheating on her too. I think it's only a matter of time...
Quote 2 0
kaleidoscope7
And here I am insisting that NC has to be 100%. :/ Thank you for calling me on it; I hadn't realized I was trying to get by with a loophole.

Quote 0 0
surviving
kaleidoscope7 - I am confused.  You are the BS and yet you are using the NC rule.  If I have that right, than you are doing this backwards.  Your WS is supposed to have the NC rule with his AP.  Not you.  However, checking up on the AP will drive you batty.   If I were you, I would use my investigation abilities on the WS.  Forget about the AP, they mean nothing to you.  As Kal said, you are obsessed.  Correct me if I am wrong, because I am totally confused on your actions.



Quote 0 0
Kalmarjan
I think that she means she broke it off with her husband and went no contact with him. I could be mistaken.
Quote 0 0
kaleidoscope7
It is definitely confusing, I understand.

This disclosure was really malicious and his behavior combined with the shiny new was enough to make me bolt. I thought it might get better or cool off with some time or distance, but I also thought a timeout would bring an apology, and it hasn't. He just baits me, and I have to stay NC until I stop feeling scorched. I also am just avoiding whatever other truth there is. Number of extramarital partners, drugs or other substance abuse, financial chicanery. He is a porn addict and things got really weird over the summer. There was talk around the whole Jared Fogle debacle and he joked about "no more porn" on his business trips with this new job. Then devalued me when I said it was inappropriate and not to joke. It scared me. The September disclosure was absolutely the last straw, and I can't even begin to touch on how violated I still feel. Anyway, the NC with WS is a necessity right now. I'm between contracts and need my sanity and safety to keep my life whole for myself and my own child. I thought about contacting him this past week but I have interviews and doctors appointments coming up and I know that one wrong turn in any conversation with him will put me under. I can't afford that right now, even for a second.

The thing with his boss -- it's like him telling me that she reminded him so much of me, erased me. In my own head. For the life of me, I can't figure out what I even was to him for six years. I can't reconcile that this man was a part of my family, my home, my every day and night. And in some crazy way, I can't reconcile that I was, either. I am so deeply hurt by this and vacillate between wanting to tell him all of it -- but he doesn't listen -- and wanting never, ever to see or communicate with him again.

I appreciate what's been said here about that I may be holding on to some hurt. Im definitely not doing that on purpose, so your feedback is important. I'm in therapy and trauma treatment but have taken a timeout these past few weeks in order to focus on next career move. Clearly I need to get back with my EMDR therapist. In the meantime, I am deeply grateful for your answers here; this community has been of great help and comfort.
Quote 0 0
mshipp003
Be gentle with yourself. It's all normal. You have traumatised and your trying to make sense of what's happened. We do this to relief pain- but it doesnt. It keeps u hooked.
What is normal is not always healthy though...and u will know when u are healing because using give a s@$& about either of them. However trite this might sound find something outside of this hell that ur passionate about and do it.
Quote 0 0
kaleidoscope7
Thank you. After thinking on your responses, I phoned him yesterday for the first time in two months, got his voicemail, and asked for conversation. I haven't heard back from him and I'm sure there are as many reasons for that as I had for not calling for two months. In any case it felt better finally, than continuing to monitor the AP's Instagram, or to monitor at all. I felt so confused about that and really appreciate that you folks called it out for what it was.

I'm not even sure now what I need to say to him. It's important to me to know that he felt loved by me. I just want to hear him say yes, he did. Past that, I don't know that I want anything else. I just need him to know it was important to me that he feel loved by me.

I have a medical appointment this afternoon to check in on the HPV cancer concern that should have gone away in 2014. I recently said here that I wasn't going to deal with it again this year. Literally within less than 24 hours, the doctor's office called me to schedule the appointment. I felt like ok: just face it.

But I'm facing it alone. I didn't call him to tell him that, or, if I did it is a bullet point in a handful of them. Retest this stupid STD cancer scare; finished 2.5-year job contract; moving; multiple interviews at company x. Feeling really sad and still confused about what happened with us. Did you feel loved by me. I just want to know that you felt loved by me.
Quote 0 0
sunflower07
He sounds like a true narcissist. Have you done any reading about that? They draw off your energy to exist. Going NC with him probably cut off his energy source. When this happens, a narcissist will move on. I've struggled with this in my own situation because I had a similar experience with my own husband. He was in an affair for a year and treated me awful. Constant criticism, scathing looks, and down right cruel. He had never been like this before. He was also like this with our teenage daughters and even slapped the oldest one at one point. It was awful! I kicked him out that day. Then about 2 weeks later, I started finding his notes to himself about a relationship he was having. Finally, I had proof! This was early Nov 2015. So the confrontation began. It trickled out over about 8 weeks. I have notes he wrote to himself about the relationship that he doesn't even know I have! I've pieced together what happened. She "love bombed" him over a 3 month period when we moved out of state because of job loss. 12,000 texts in 3 months. We moved back home because he "had" to be with her. I knew none of this at the time. So, we come home and he discovers she is having a 2nd affair and she is "cool" to him. She is also married with children. I have notes where he is writing what he wants to say to her about her cruel treatment to him. The whole time, he's still seeing her while she's carrying on with other men also. He describes her taunts and cruelty. I thought he was a narcissist but as I read the notes, I realized he was in the snair of a true narcissist. Eventually, the person being manipulated be the narcissist takes on the narcissist traits as they become come fully drained. I know this is long but I thought it would help to describe what I have experienced. Narcissistic behavior is pathological and damaging. We are still together and working on things but my husband has no idea that I know the depths of his pain in his affair. I don't think I will ever tell him.
Quote 0 0
Kalmarjan
Indeed, the best way to destroy a narcissistic relationship is to starve it. Don't give into the hype, and let them walk away.

My AP is extremely narcissistic. Her parents are too. When you use the term "Love Bombing," it hits a chord with me. I ended up doing some cruel things to my wife because I had literally thought that I'd met my soul mate. My wife became someone who I "loved" but she "didn't get me" like my AP did. I'll tell you, it was intoxicating.

Over time, the love bombing shifted to subtle demands. That I stay later with her. That I exclude my family in my life to be with her. That I always talk to her on the phone when I am alone. Texting a million texts. Always checking in. It was exhausting.

When it came to me pushing back, when I started realizing that I was being manipulated, it turned to leverage for her. She would take away the affection unless I did something for her.

I'll give you an example. I gave my son a gift of a toy that the AP got for him. The idea was it was from "Santa." This toy brought a lot of joy to him, and my AP "only" asked for a dinner out with her. Okay, right?

Except she wanted that dinner to be during a time that I had my son. I got to see my son for 2 days a week, after school... And he was in bed after 4 or 5 hours of time with me. She demanded I get a baby sitter so we could go out. Not on a day where I was alone, but specifically when my son was over.

Of course, I wasn't having any of that. So, she demanded I give her the gift back. Demanded. Wouldn't let up. This is the ugly side of "love bombing" when dealing with a narcissist. I felt so... manipulated.

String along a lot of these scenarios, and this is what it was like with my AP. Several. Times I would sweep. Aside what I was feeling, the thoughts of how stupid and wrong this was. But, a good looking woman, attracted to a fat, bald, older guy?

It was later, when I started ignoring her manipulation, that she showed how she truly was.

To be honest, I know this sounds stupid, but as a person, I never dreamed that someone could be like that. Could manipulate.

But that is neither here nor there either. I got myself into that situation by being in appropriate with someone other than my wife. It is quite easy to lay blame for what happened at the feet of my AP, but the honest truth is its like blaming a burner on a stove for burning you. I saw it was on, what did I think would happen if I touched the flame?
Quote 0 0
sunflower07
"My AP is extremely narcissistic. Her parents are too. When you use the term "Love Bombing," it hits a chord with me. I ended up doing some cruel things to my wife because I had literally thought that I'd met my soul mate. My wife became someone who I "loved" but she "didn't get me" like my AP did. I'll tell you, it was intoxicating. "


I think that my husband is realizing that what she was offering him at the start was all an illusion and not real. We all want to be with our "soulmates.". What I have learned is that being someone's soulmate doesn't just happen, it takes honest to goodness work to get to that point. Very few marriages ever reach that point. One thing that has really helped me is the Marriage Fitness by Mort Fertel. Pricey but worth it. There is a starting set of audio tracks that I listened to that have literally changed my life and how I now frame my marriage in my mind. I cannot overstate how much listening to them has helped me. My husband hasn't even listened to them yet as I haven't told him about them. But even just doing them myself has change the tide within my marriage in only a short time. I think that I have a whole new way of thinking that plays out in my day to day interactions and body language with my husband. Powerful stuff!
Quote 0 0
Kalmarjan
I shall look it up, thank you!
Quote 0 0
Dirazz
Sunflower07, my husband and I did the Mort Fertel program too. It helped us so much! It showed us to put LOVE FIRST. Concentrate on the love you felt for this person at the beginning. It helped put both our defenses down long enough to be able to talk and not yell and scream at each other. More like me yelling and screaming. It's an amazing program!!
Quote 0 0
Fionarob
I also did the Mort Fertel program when I thought my husband's affair was over and we needed help getting back to a good place.  It really did help me to feel a lot better in myself and have a more optimistic outlook - I really thought, "wow, this is going to help us, this is going to work."  My husband joined in with the program at the start, but he soon got lazy with doing all the suggested things and left a lot of it to me.  He would get cross if I asked him if he had read the next chapter or listened to the relevant podcast.

Two months later I found out he was still having an affair and had been the entire time we were supposedly working on our marriage together.  It devastated me, because I had begun to feel so much more positive and really felt I was changing for the better and to be a better wife.  I really believe if he had been completely on board with the Mort Fertel program it would have worked.

We are still together but the last DDay took me right back to square one and I can't imagine if re-starting the program would have the same affect second time around.  We are having counselling this time........just hoping it works.
Quote 0 0