astar1007

So this is my first post on here, so it may be long and all over the place.

Sept 6th, my husband and I chose to live separate for awhile, just to get some space from each other.  Things for the past month were just rough - we couldn't connect, we fought daily.  We just needed a break.  We agreed that this was to figure us out, and that does not mean to look for someone else.

Fast forward to when I find out about the affair.  It was a Oct 7th.  A friend contacted me about it, I confronted him..blah blah.  At this point it was 'only a one night stand' where he was lonely and this girl was there.  I believed him, because the man I married would never do this to me.  He apologized, he cried.  I knew we had a lot to work on.
On Oct 14th, he was going to Florida for a softball tournament.  Her husband contacted me.  He said he needed to tell me the truth, because my husband hadn't.  That night I found out the worst news I could.  The affair started in late July.  

The news destroyed me.  The fact he was in Florida with his team, which included her was detrimental.  He spent our family vacation (which he cancelled last minute because of the cost) with another woman.  

He came back on Oct 21st, and on Oct 26th (Monday) he ended it with her.  He was at my house the next 4 days slowly (very slowly) telling me some truths, more and more each day. I have seen his messages and hers back and forth how he is telling her it is over, this is not the man he wants to be, but of course she is pulling the guilt trip card.  He hasn't blocked her yet, because she may be mentally unstable and he thinks she will harm herself.  To me it's just an excuse - but I can't make him block her completely.  I have seen his sincerity  in ending the relationship.

So he still hasn't moved back home.  He is confused.  He says he wants to be a better husband, he can only see me in his future.  He has been feeding me all of the right things.  Telling me his actions will speak louder than his words.  In fact, he has been telling me (right away) when she was texting and what she said.  He claims that has stopped now.  He tells me what he is doing to ease my anxiety.  However, he still claims he needs to fix him, before anything.  And at times, he says he doesn't know if we will be able to fix us, but he wants to become my best friend again.

It seems as though he is going back and forth.  It is so confusing to me, because I feel like he is the one that should be trying to fix this.  

I read the "Winning back your wayward spouse" article, which I think is great.  I just need some more insight since he is so confused still.  I really don't know what I should do.  Even through this all, I can see myself forgiving him, but I need to be sure he really wants to work on us, and that he will never do this again.  

Where do I go from here?  When he can't decide what he wants yet?

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foreverloved
My opinion...give him some time to figure out himself, which also gives you some time to figure out yourself...just from my experience.  

It took my WS a little while to get his stuff together and decide what he wanted to do.  And I am still giving him space to work on him.  We separated for a while, and he came back home the beginning of Oct.  The separation period was great for me personally.  Got to really figure out and find myself again and make sure that I was becoming and being the person that I wanted to be with or without him.  

We have a lot of other things that have happened since our DDay but I highly encourage you figuring out and taking care of yourself and finding you again and letting him do the same.

Don't worry we understand...we all have been all over the place.  I continue to be all over the place some days, but as time progesses...i'm more me and more put together and not so "crazy" as I like to call it.
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astar1007
Thanks for responding.

So him needing to 'fix' himself and not sure what he wants yet, isn't necessarily a bad thing?  I've just read so many things about the WS trying to mend the marriage right away.  That is not what is happening in my case exactly, so perhaps that is what makes me most nervous.    Sometimes I wonder how it is logical for me to 'wait' for him per se, when he was the one that chose this path.
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TimT
astar1007 wrote:
Thanks for responding.

So him needing to 'fix' himself and not sure what he wants yet, isn't necessarily a bad thing?  I've just read so many things about the WS trying to mend the marriage right away.  That is not what is happening in my case exactly, so perhaps that is what makes me most nervous.    Sometimes I wonder how it is logical for me to 'wait' for him per se, when he was the one that chose this path.

The best case scenario is when the unfaithful partner makes a quick and decisive move to both end the affair and zero in on a commitment to truthfulness and creating a safe environment for the betrayed spouse. But now all recoveries happen that way. In fact, most don't. It is okay to give some time, but the longer your husband refrains from working on the marriage, the longer it is likely to take for recovery to happen (and the chances of a good ending begin to diminish).

If you invest in YOU getting to a healthy place despite his choice, you'll be more prepared for whatever happens. In fact, you may even reach a decisive conclusion before he figures out all his stuff. 
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