Courage
About a year ago I had regularily been seeing a physiotherapist for some chronic pain. When I met him, I thought he was attractive, but thought nothing of it. Through weekly visits our conversations got deeper and deeper. I looked forward to my visits with him for pain relief, but eventually I looked forward to just seeing him. I would go after work. The mornings I knew I was seeing him, I chose my outfits carefully- the ones I knew I looked best in. I felt nothing for him but did enjoy our long conversations. We had so much in common- kids, fitness, we had both just recently lost a parent. I often left these appts wishing I could have this connection with my husband. At this time, my husband and I were so disconnected-,I longed for his attention, just some sign that I was important to him. I knew I was looking forward to seeing my physio bc of what I was lacking at home. I never thought of crossing the line. I knew of another person who saw the same physio and she said, "he's so good at what he does, but he never talks" I thought, we don't stop talking. One day at my weekly visit he said, " I look forward to Mondays"- that was the day I had my appts. I read between the lines. I felt butterflies- alive and excited. We also frequented the same running trail and he told me when he went there. I started fantasizing about seeing him there and hanging out with him. I thought long and hard about where this could lead. I don't know for sure he was feeling what I was, but my instincts told me he was on the same page. One day when driving home from an appointment with him I went over all the ramifications of crossing the line with him. It was exciting, but I thought it out further. I thought about how devestating it would be for my husband. We were not in a great place, but the thought of what an affair would do to him was beyond painful. I thought of my children, his children, his wife... I thought of down the road if we ended up together- a blended family, the hurt and destruction it would cause. As I drove home last June, I thought, it's not worth it. I realized my desire for him was a result of what I was lacking in my own marriage. I knew it wasn't real. So I cancelled my next appt. and never went back. I had the insight to know that I was vulnerable to crossing the line and the pain to all involved wasn't worth it. I decided then, that I would put my heart and soul into my own lacking marriage. I tried so hard, but I could not get my husband to respond. It was like a steam train running out of steam. The summer of 2014 ended with me feeling completely defeated. I felt like the worst person on the planet. I was beyond unlovable. Then in October of 2014 I discovered my husband was having an affair. No one knows more than me how easy an affair can happen. I believe I was steps away from crossing the line but I had the foresight into seeing that there were no winners. Instead I put my heart and soul into saving what I had, only to find out that he was in an affair all along. My biggest reason for not crossing the line was the pain I would cause my husband and children. He obviously thought differently. The pain of hurting those who loved him most was worth it!! Even through all the pain I've been through as a result of this affair, I'm so glad I had the insight I did to avoid one- I would never want to be responsible for inflicting this kind of pain on anyone- let alone my spouse and children.
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TimT
Oh! I'm so sorry that your commitment was met with betrayal. But thankful that you still take the value FOR YOU of making the hard choice. You did what I wish I had done. You stood at the line and stepped back instead of crossing over. I wish your husband had done the same.

Your experience gave you insight into just how powerful that desire for connection and validation can be. Thank you for sharing that.
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Anna26
Courage, I think it's really open and honest of you to tell this story.  I am sorry too that your choice of integrity and faithfulness was met with a lack of commitment from your husband.  It was surely devastating for you to find out that he didn't have the forethought and vision to value what he had with you too. 
Do women think more about the consequences than men? I have no idea, but it would be an interesting point to follow up on in a poll perhaps? 
Thank you for sharing.
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Mojotay
Courage wrote:
...I believe I was steps away from crossing the line but I had the foresight into seeing that there were no winners. Instead I put my heart and soul into saving what I had, only to find out that he was in an affair all along. My biggest reason for not crossing the line was the pain I would cause my husband and children. He obviously thought differently. The pain of hurting those who loved him most was worth it!! Even through all the pain I've been through as a result of this affair, I'm so glad I had the insight I did to avoid one- I would never want to be responsible for inflicting this kind of pain on anyone- let alone my spouse and children.


I could have written what you wrote above....similar situation! I also learned in October 2014 of 2 previous short affairs that happened 7 and 18 years into our marriage and some " massage parlor" experiences with a "happy ending" . I knew something was wrong with our 25 year marriage and was craving some love and attention and to feel important and heard! In the summer of 2012 I had met a attractive man at a golf tournament and he heavily pursued me for a few months. I loved the attention and the fact that someone found me attractive still at the age of 48. I too just could not cross that line in fact I recorded his number in my phone as " Dangerous do not answer". After my first DD I still knew there was more I just felt it to my core and continued to ask my husband if there was more....he denied and continued to lie! I even asked him about one woman in particular and he laughed at me! I continued to look for signs and evidence, it's not a fun job being a detective. Then 6 months ago today I found out through some emails that he was having an affair with that very woman I asked about! He and this OW had been having a long distance affair for 2 years. He would meet her during business trips, they are in the same industry so are involved in the same conferences. We started counseling right away and then 2 months later he came clean with yet another one night stand with an old college GF. This one night stand was just the night before he slept with his long time affair partner for the first time...isn't that ugly! All of this took place while selling a our family home, buying another home and preparing to move to another state....talk about stress! We have been in counseling for 6 months each go once a week alone and once together! We have been blessed to find a counselor we both love and respect! This has been the hardest most devasing experience we have ever been through! I have been diagnosed with PTSD and have just recently started taking a RX for my anxiety! We are both workings of so hard! My husband is making some pretty amazing discoveries about himself and changing in ways I never expected! To see his regret, remorse and vulnerability has helped me tremendously in mine and our healing! We still have a long way to go...but we both realize we have been given a second chance to reclaim our marriage and this time we are going to share an intentional marriage together! I have several things that I read daily but this one has been very helpful… not sure who wrote it but I do not take credit for. "Sometimes you need to take something apart to rebuild it in a stronger, more lasting way. Lobsters have to shed their shells to develop. Forest have to burn to stimulate growth. And you may have needed to transfer formative disruption and trauma of infidelity to break out of a stale, and we warding relationship and begin again."
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TimT
Mojotay wrote:
...We have been blessed to find a counselor we both love and respect! This has been the hardest most devasing experience we have ever been through! I have been diagnosed with PTSD and have just recently started taking a RX for my anxiety! We are both workings of so hard!...

Ask your counselor about EMDR therapy to address the PTSD. I'll admit, it sounded all a bit weird to me when I first learned about it years ago, but I've seen remarkable results and heard great stories from colleagues who have been trained in it. So much so that my wife (also a counselor) is moving toward full certification and has clients who are very please with the quick progress they are making in resolving conflict.

I write a bit about it here.
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Godspeach
Thanks for what you shared. Been there. I'm a beautiful, witty, intelligent person. Lovely figure as well. My husband's AP was the opposite! It was her availability that made him feel special. He found fault for years with me, and never believed the beauty queen I looked like could really love a sensitive nerdy guy like him. WRONG!!! He had such father issues and a root of rejection that he was looking for power.
He became addicted to the attention the needy females gave him.
He had money and a nice car. Cheap girls noticed him. He and they used each other. My relationship was NEVER the two of us from the time we dated in highschool.
My pain has been tremendous. I could have cheated with a young, attractive guy i met at a volunteer organization, but God exposed the guy's true heart. THANK GOODNESS! I confessed to my husband, my mom, and my therapist about what I ALMOST DID. I could have destroyed myself, relationship with the Lord, many who trusted me, my kids.

This is it for me. My husband and I are working on ourselves. No More Sheets. I will NOT LIVE A LIE OR LIVE WITH A LIAR. Next year, I will be divorced if he has not stopped lying.
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Bahar
I wish could slap all of those who hurt their family , wife and Childern .
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UrbanExplorer
I also stepped back from crossing a line in 2003 with someone I admired. It scared me how close I came and was part of the reason I recommitted to my marriage and had three children. Unfortunately, I bulldozed the line in 2015 with someone different.
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