AHmember68
We have reached a point the marriage is beyond salvage. Initially I wanted to have a separation with him , he reacted immediately and told me he is over with AP and willing to talk to me and have full disclosure .. When he returned home , things have changed he was reluctant to talk to me at all. He then left ( my husband does not live with is on week days , he only comes back in weekend due to work). .2 weeks has gone he came n gone over weekend as usual. I told him we need to talk but he was reluctant and we could find a riht timing at all. So I told him I will file a divorce after he scolded me mother fxxxr to me. He never respect me at all and I told him I need his full disclosure if he want to salvage this marriage , he couldn't understand my view at all , he said I only care about my own feelings , he still brought up the past 10 years ago. I know he s not sincerely or single mindedly want this marriage. I know he still keep in touch with the AP even though he told he it's over. He still continue to lie .. I guess just to brush me off or too afraid to loose his family or his 2 kids whom he really loved them. Today I ask him to have a few minutes with me just to clearly conveyed the message about I want a divorce , he said I m selfish about my action without considering the impact to the kids . He said I always get to decide or do what I want . So I told him i want a divorce and we arrange the visitation bcs I don't want him to stay at my house snymore when he is here. He was very angry. He even propose to let him have the 2 kids in the other city .. He probably think I have another man or something which I seriously not even have any chance/ time to make frens be it meeting a guy. Anyway when I told him I cant m I will want to have the custody of the 2 kids ..he was furious n walked away.. I don't know what I should do , I want a divorce n move on a healthy life without having need to hope that he will end the affair. Each time it was just devastating n disappointing when I know he s still with her. I need some advice on how to handle well without making things ugly yet we can't even have a proper conversation.
Quote 0 0
TimT
This kind of power struggle rarely leads you to a satisfying conclusion. Any effort to control another person or the outcome of the situation will likely keep you in conflict: each person trying to out-maneuver the other to get what they want (or don't want). You may never see him respond the way that you want or need, but the best you can do is clearly communicate what that looks like and then focus on what is necessary for YOU to get to a healthier place with or without him. Of course, you want certain things to happen (him to give up the other woman and desire you/marriage instead) but you will never gain those things by insisting on them. Even if you have enough leverage to force a particular behavior, you will not experience intimacy and trust.

Your efforts to get him to do what's right may be partly motivated by love, but there is probably a fair amount of fear (being alone, the unknown future, etc) and hurt (being betrayed and rejected) as well. They may fuel your energy behind your efforts, but will not lead you to a healthy connection with him. 

You may be using the threat of divorce to evoke a change in him. He will resent that. Your choice to separate/divorce should not be a threat; it should be based on a sure belief that leaving him (temporarily or permanently) is what you must do for your own sake. It may take some effort and time for you to gain good insight into what keeps you from confidently moving on without him, but it's worth the reading, counseling, listening to trusted others, thoughtfulness, etc. to reach a place where you feel secure and stable regardless of his choices. I hope you can find your way there.
Quote 0 0
Sandy2000
Just file for divorce and have him served.

How he accuses you of being selfish when he made the choice to cheat just shows he doesn't get it.
Quote 0 0