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DBingWill2017
I am so sorry for your pain and that your wife has been so defensive and not ready to admit her mistake/decision to betray you and her family with an office mate.  It is wonderful though that you are a techy...she is brave knowing this...  I pray that you find some peace.  Please take everyone's advice with a grain of salt.  None of us really know what we are doing.  We are all in it!!! Listen to your heart and those who love you.  Get a good therapist please, just for you.   The healing process is a bi-ch and one that is hindered by a WS who wont take responsibility for their actions and decisions. A little humility goes a long way...it makes a huge difference. When the affair partner is defensive and unwilling to be completely transparent it makes healing with them nearly impossible which was my experience for the first few months of after the affair supposedly ended...that's why there is completely no trust now.   What's worse is that your wife is deflecting putting her infidelity squarely at your feet! As though her inappropriate banter is somehow as a result of your insecurities.  Bullsh-t please do not allow her to do that to you.  It happened to most of us on this forum.  Its a long road ahead, one I am still navigating. You can do it so many have come out stronger for it....
 
My husband had an affair with a student in his spin class (so cliché) that he teaches at 6:00am daily before heading to work.  His affair partner lived one block away from our home.  ONE BLOCK!!!!!  Last week I found text messages between he and a Gym  manager that were a bit too friendly in my opinion especially after all that has happened.  The man screwed a student in his spin class for a year...….when I discovered it he told me they started innocently as friends then it escalated...now this...The all caps in parenthesis is me. I have been married for 25 of what I had believed to have been relatively good years, not without the stresses and tragedies of life...but all in all good.  I did confront him about the texts as I have access to all of his messages and passwords now.  He was at first defensive telling me she has a boyfriend and he has a wife...lol a lot of good that did before.....he then told me he would not speak to her again if it was important to me.  Clearly as an instructor and she as a Gym manager they must communicate but he doesn't have to make it so personal.  She now wants to team up with him for a class....not happy...       
 
My Husband: Didn’t see you this morning (WHY SHOULD HE CARE)

I went out last night (WHY ARE YOU TELLING HIM)
Too many drinks

My Husband: Where (AGAIN WHY DO YOU CARE)

Was drinking rose by my friends pool , then (name of bar omitted)

MY Husband: No hangover ? (REALLY???)

Mild
Sweating it out now
I hope you played Aretha !

My Husband: Yep what a sad day but music lives forever (OH SHUT UP PLEASE, I adore the Queen but A SAD DAY IS WHEN YOU CHEATED ON YOUR DAMN WIFE AND FAMILY)

So what do all think of the texts....questionable at best....I appreciate being able to vent so immaturely...it so helps...sorry.  I can assure you that if I ever discover that he is cheating again I am now strong enough to walk away...everything is prepared if I have to.  
 
BS, Dday December 2016 - April 2017.....I think
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Ginger
I think the texts are completely out of line given his history and inability to keep boundaries for himself.  I'd be more than pissed.  It would be a deal breaker for me at this point bc it would show he is clueless or just doesn't care about your  well being.
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DBingWill2017
Yes indeed that coupled with the fact that he acquiesced so quickly and said he would not talk to her anymore not because he thought it was inappropriate but because it made me uncomfortable- it is basically impossible for him to not communicate with her but he didn’t put up much of a fight which indicated to me that he was busted yet again... i’ll be in the very infancy what ever was going to happen....I was just so happy when he volunteered not to text her anymore but he sees her every day in the gym so what good is it. I’m such an idiot
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DBingWill2017
I’m sorry I meant to say albiet in the infancy....
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JORGE
I am so sorry for your pain and that your wife has been so defensive and not ready to admit her mistake/decision to betray you and her family with an office mate.  It is wonderful though that you are a techy...she is brave knowing this...  I pray that you find some peace.  Please take everyone's advice with a grain of salt.  None of us really know what we are doing.  We are all in it!!! Listen to your heart and those who love you.  Get a good therapist please, just for you.   The healing process is a bi-ch and one that is hindered by a WS who wont take responsibility for their actions and decisions. A little humility goes a long way...it makes a huge difference. When the affair partner is defensive and unwilling to be completely transparent it makes healing with them nearly impossible which was my experience for the first few months of after the affair supposedly ended...that's why there is completely no trust now.   What's worse is that your wife is deflecting putting her infidelity squarely at your feet! As though her inappropriate banter is somehow as a result of your insecurities.  Bullsh-t please do not allow her to do that to you.  It happened to most of us on this forum.  Its a long road ahead, one I am still navigating. You can do it so many have come out stronger for it....
 
My husband had an affair with a student in his spin class (so cliché) that he teaches at 6:00am daily before heading to work.  His affair partner lived one block away from our home.  ONE BLOCK!!!!!  Last week I found text messages between he and a Gym  manager that were a bit too friendly in my opinion especially after all that has happened.  The man screwed a student in his spin class for a year...….when I discovered it he told me they started innocently as friends then it escalated...now this...The all caps in parenthesis is me. I have been married for 25 of what I had believed to have been relatively good years, not without the stresses and tragedies of life...but all in all good.  I did confront him about the texts as I have access to all of his messages and passwords now.  He was at first defensive telling me she has a boyfriend and he has a wife...lol a lot of good that did before.....he then told me he would not speak to her again if it was important to me.  Clearly as an instructor and she as a Gym manager they must communicate but he doesn't have to make it so personal.  She now wants to team up with him for a class....not happy...       
 
My Husband: Didn’t see you this morning (WHY SHOULD HE CARE)

I went out last night (WHY ARE YOU TELLING HIM)
Too many drinks

My Husband: Where (AGAIN WHY DO YOU CARE)

Was drinking rose by my friends pool , then (name of bar omitted)

MY Husband: No hangover ? (REALLY???)

Mild
Sweating it out now
I hope you played Aretha !

My Husband: Yep what a sad day but music lives forever (OH SHUT UP PLEASE, I adore the Queen but A SAD DAY IS WHEN YOU CHEATED ON YOUR DAMN WIFE AND FAMILY)

So what do all think of the texts....questionable at best....I appreciate being able to vent so immaturely...it so helps...sorry.  I can assure you that if I ever discover that he is cheating again I am now strong enough to walk away...everything is prepared if I have to.  
 
BS, Dday December 2016 - April 2017.....I think



I'm a man. I have a pretty good idea when a man is up to no good. He's up to no good, teetering on the edges of an opportunity presenting itself. Innocent exchanges leads to personal ones. Personal ones turns to intimate ones. Intimate ones leads to sexual ones. Sexual ones leads to sex. Then the WS looks up and says, I don't know how it happened. That's the formula and he's at the innocent exchange level which he knows is not innocent at all, and more than ready to advance it forward.

He knows it, but he has pxxxy on the brain, so the wrong head is thinking for him. Dangerous territory for a person without a history, let alone a person with one. Generally speaking, I think many men are inherently wayward and embarrassingly weak when it comes to women and sex. It takes a very conscience commitment to be safe for one's spouse. For those who are weaker than others a very, very conscience and disciplined effort is needed to just keep the pants on. Be proactive with surveillance and be unapologetic for it. Don't allow yourself to be intimidated by his irritated responses should you question or catch him. Be aggressive with consequences. Take no shxt from him. NONE!!!!  
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anthropoidape
Ginger wrote:
I think the texts are completely out of line given his history and inability to keep boundaries for himself. 


Yes.

Honestly it's common sense. He should know this is out of bounds without it even coming up for discussion  
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Vanessa
Ginger wrote:
I think the texts are completely out of line given his history and inability to keep boundaries for himself.  I'd be more than pissed.  It would be a deal breaker for me at this point bc it would show he is clueless or just doesn't care about your  well being.


Ginger is spot on here ^^^
Sadly, you've got nothing to work with here - he has an affair then just continues on with his adolescent flirting totally disregarding the fact that he is an ADULT and has a WIFE - these texts sadly show he has no true remorse
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anthropoidape
Vanessa wrote:


Ginger is spot on here ^^^
Sadly, you've got nothing to work with here - he has an affair then just continues on with his adolescent flirting totally disregarding the fact that he is an ADULT and has a WIFE - these texts sadly show he has no true remorse


Yes. I think it's worth noting that every adult knows that there can be a bit of a clandestine thrill to meeting someone, recognising you could be interested in each other if circumstances permitted it, and then flirting in a deniable, invisible sort of way. I mean it is available to all of us, pretty much all the time. The thing is that grown-ups in committed relationships recognise this for what it is, and don't get into it. 

The reason I think this is worth noting is that I suspect that some cheaters think that there's something magical or special or rare about that "connection" they are feeling with the outside person. But it's really commonplace. It is as magical and special and rare as that feeling you get when you see a piece of candy, if you happen to like candy. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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jenzo
Well it looks like I found a really bad one. I’m gonna move out today, this is unacceptable.  

My wife loaned perfect strangers who are trying hard to see her everyday and saying they love her 2k without my knowledge. then they her up for more. still trying to see her constantly. then their contact drops off over the year they were texting her 100 times an hour! It shocks the consciousness to see this type of communication with people that my wife cant seem to muster up the will to be angry with. Seems the only one who got any flack tonight was me for defending my family by telling the two neighbors off. 

 
After I read the 6 months of texts I got naseous. It’s really the most depressing thing I have ever seen. my wife is being so nice to them while they are making her buy alcohol and stuff to come to their bbq. I realize I don’t know who my wife is. It sort of took my breath away. I texted the rats next door and they told My wife, immediately said she wants a divorce. 
 
Enough of me.. this is some sort of crisis, the thing at work was ridiculous, he loved her and she let him be that sad doting ass**** that is friend zoned. That alone risked our families financial security and marriage. Then I see the same behavior with the 2 neighbors but WAY more. It involves her giving money and being hit on. 
 
Like i said I care about her, she wants to blame me and that’s unacceptable. I am a dickhead but This is her people pleasing finally bearing fruit 

She has no family I can go too. She wants to say that I’m delusional. I am many things but I know that a lesbian saying to my wife   
I can give you a massage that will take all your pain away Amounts to wanting to have sex. My wife  doesn’t even see it. It’s so frustrating! 
 
How are you love bunny? We miss you
 
More: “On a scale from one to ten what is my chance to get a quick editing help with Sterling's you tube video.. I can pay with booze”
This is first week of meeting them!
All this is moving very quick. She is so protective of them it really makes you think. 
 
This stuff happened so early and so fast there is no room for any escalation! It’s already there



Yes. I think it's worth noting that every adult knows that there can be a bit of a clandestine thrill to meeting someone, recognising you could be interested in each other if circumstances permitted it, and then flirting in a deniable, invisible sort of way. I mean it is available to all of us, pretty much all the time. The thing is that grown-ups in committed relationships recognise this for what it is, and don't get into it. 

The reason I think this is worth noting is that I suspect that some cheaters think that there's something magical or special or rare about that "connection" they are feeling with the outside person. But it's really commonplace. It is as magical and special and rare as that feeling you get when you see a piece of candy, if you happen to like candy. 
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DBingWill2017
Again Im so sorry anyone has to ever experience such betrayal. It is one of the most painful experiences of my life. Please speak to a therapist as soon as you can.  Focus on your happiness but remember you do have children. I implore you to get help from a professional before you react.  Help you sort everything out. Please have a plan. Praying for you....for all of us
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Laurajean83
JORGE wrote:


Innocent exchanges leads to personal ones. Personal ones turns to intimate ones. Intimate ones leads to sexual ones. Sexual ones leads to sex. Then the WS looks up and says, I don't know how it happened. That's the formula and he's at the innocent exchange level which he knows is not innocent at all, and more than ready to advance it forward.
 




Yes. I think it's worth noting that every adult knows that there can be a bit of a clandestine thrill to meeting someone, recognising you could be interested in each other if circumstances permitted it, and then flirting in a deniable, invisible sort of way. I mean it is available to all of us, pretty much all the time. The thing is that grown-ups in committed relationships recognise this for what it is, and don't get into it. 

The reason I think this is worth noting is that I suspect that some cheaters think that there's something magical or special or rare about that "connection" they are feeling with the outside person. But it's really commonplace. It is as magical and special and rare as that feeling you get when you see a piece of candy, if you happen to like candy. 


Keepabuzz this is super embarrassingly accurate.  Like so embarrassingly.   It's a base pattern, but cuz its deniable and invisible you convince yourself that makes it normal and ok.  Then allow yourself to get 'lost' in the feelings of it all.  No words for how stupid it all is...  or more over how stupid you feel for buying into it.  
WW, Dday 7 months ago

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it.  Jer 17:9
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