mermaid
It has been 2 years since DDay. We have been going to MC for almost a year. Thought we were doing better and I was seeing some changes. But we had a pretty significant argument a few nights ago and a MC session right after. It has all been pretty enlightening. I finally have words to describe the constant, cruel cycle that we operate in: he doesn’t value himself, so he can’t support me, and then blames me for not getting his needs met. 

Anyway, I just told him I am not sure that this relationship is going to work. And honestly, I am ready to start taking steps to make separation more official. (Instead of just checking out emotionally.) There are a lot of posts on here about separations that involve kids or separations because the WS still wants the AP. This is not my case. I am the BS and I am looking at separating; no kids (just a dog!) and we do own a house. My WH continues to say he wants this marriage to work, that he is terrified of losing me,  but it has become clear that there are some serious changes he needs to make—and he has not yet worked towards those.

Has anyone on here gone through something similar? Did you move out or did you ask your WS to leave? What was the emotional fallout like after you made your decision?
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triplehooks
I haven’t been through that because I’m still here, but I’m here for all the sunk cost reasons so many of us stay for (although I’m probably at the tail end).  

When I read your post I wanted to tell you just go and don’t even hesitate.   I may be assuming that this is a shorter marriage and that may prove incorrect but the absence of kids suggests it’s less than 10 years?  Just a guess.  And I get it, sometimes it’s just hard to let go.  

But with no kinds in the equation for me cheating would be an EASY deal breaker.  the crazy merry go round you describe should make it that much easier.  

Although I imagine it will hurt — worse than a boyfriend/girlfriend break up — you won’t be grieving ALSO for kids losing their safe home base and ALL the things that go with it.  My guess is you will spend some time re-hashing things in your OWN voice (without his interference), grieving the “wasted time” you invested that only bought you a house a dog and a spouse that wound up cheating. You’ll have to spend some time forgiving yourself for choosing him and answering the question why you accepted his abuse.  When you figure that out you can strengthen yourself against that weakness in your heart defense system, and then go forward in the world better equipped to keep yourself safe from that kind of harm.  

Two years out you may have dispensed by now with the bull$hit self- or spouse-inflicted mindf@ck that somehow you could have controlled the outcome or you weren’t good enough or didn’t measure up in some way.  

Assuming a healthy sense of self and recognizing what you need in a partnership if it isn’t there AND there’s cheating (self absorption) isn’t it better to even be alone than to drag a nitwit along with you?

Let this one go for now.  If it’s just about the changes he needs to make and he hasn’t done the work, but if he did the work you could accept him (no — ENJOY him and your life WITH him), what about just divorcing him and let him have the finality of that either motivate him to do the work or not.  Meanwhile you get to reconnect with yourself and if he becomes mr transformationpants after the fact he can try to win you competing against the rest of the world — fair and square.  

Personally I think this should be the standard move (and I wish I had gone this route right off the bat): divorce right away upon d-day, heal yourself and expect nothing from them, and let them try to win you back on the open market.  They really don’t deserve to “keep” us after cheating.  They should have to “earn” us back the hard way.  
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Vanessa
Best decision I made was ending the marriage with a cheater.  It was grueling and gut wrenching, but in hindsight was the right thing to do for me.  I suggest getting your ducks in a row before discussing the topic with WH.  That means talking with an attorney and figuring out which way will be easier - kicking him out or you moving out.

It is OK for cheating to be a line in the sand that you cannot accept him crossing.  I personally feel like most of the information out on the internet is all about how to fix your broken marriage.  If that is what folks choose - more power to them.  I know I certainly wanted nothing more than to fix and save my marriage.  But sometimes, despite all the best efforts, it is just too badly damaged.  It is OK to move on - do it with grace and dignity. 

My WH would promise to spend the rest of his life making this up to me, but at the same time would not stop his contact with MOW.  So after three months of begging him to "pick me" I lawyered up and filed.  I feel like folks IRL disapprove of me for not "trying harder" to save my marriage.  (I am in the Bible belt south so that may be a a factor)  I know others like Keep and Anthro have felt judged for staying.  At the end of the day it is our life to live and we have to do what we think is best. 

There is no gourmet buffet in this post-cheating life - just a sh@t sandwich with different toppings.
Best of luck to you!
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triplehooks
Vanessa wrote:
There is no gourmet buffet in this post-cheating life - just a sh@t sandwich with different toppings.
Best of luck to you!


YES — everything Vanessa said but this quote says it all.  
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EasyAsABC
I stayed for years (like, 9 years) after my WS first affair. I left last year and honestly, it was the best thing I could have done for myself. I’m a firm believer that anyone should leave their marriage, at any time, for any reason as long as it’s valid to them. 
This isn’t the 1800s, we aren’t property, and divorce is there for a reason. 
That said, as suggested above, I would make sure you have everything in order for yourself before making the official announcement that you’re done.  This makes sense from a logical standpoint, but also protects you in case this triggers some sort of meltdown or breakdown in your spouse. 
I made the mistake of pre-announcing my departure before I had everything finalized. My marriage was an abusive one, and this made the abuse worse. On top of that though, it gave my ex husband the chance to turn everyone against me, just as I needed support the most (all of a sudden was the cheater), and he also drained the bank accounts before I had officially filed the divorce papers (depending on where you live, initial divorce papers also include verbiage that prevent BOTH parties from liquidating assets while the divorce is pending). 
Talk to a lawyer if you can, know your rights, and figure out the best course of action for YOU. 
Something to keep in mind (assuming you’re in the US) is that it’s basically impossible to kick your spouse out of the marital home. The only exception is in the case of domestic violence, in which case you’ll need a DV protection order to have him removed from the home. In almost every other case, you can’t force him to leave, unless you “win” or are awarded the home in the divorce, which can take months, or even years. If he doesn’t want a divorce, it’s possible you may need to find a place to go if your wish is to leave him, but he won’t leave the house. 
I wish you luck. 
BS to an abusive H 2009-2018
OW 2018-2019
I wear many hats.
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triplehooks
Depending on your state you may be able to be awarded exclusive use of the marital home, during any forced separation period or during the divorce proceedings.  In fault states adultery is a "grounds" for divorce.  Where I am that can be the basis of the motion for exclusive use.
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EasyAsABC
triplehooks wrote:
Depending on your state you may be able to be awarded exclusive use of the marital home, during any forced separation period or during the divorce proceedings.  In fault states adultery is a "grounds" for divorce.  Where I am that can be the basis of the motion for exclusive use.


Also true, however usually you would need to act soon after discovery for this to apply. Many times, even in at fault states, any period or attempt of reconciliation “resets” or voids the at fault status. 
BS to an abusive H 2009-2018
OW 2018-2019
I wear many hats.
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HangingOn
I told my WS if we didn’t make it, I would be leaving to start fresh.  Only seemed fair they should get to clean up the ruins of home they destroyed.  Sounds vindictive in writing, however I still feel it is fair.
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triplehooks
EasysABC wrote:


Also true, however usually you would need to act soon after discovery for this to apply. Many times, even in at fault states, any period or attempt of reconciliation “resets” or voids the at fault status. 


Right.  It’s why it’s good to consult an attorney to understand the nuances.  Main thing to keep in mind is what’s the statute of limitations on adultery as grounds for divorce and what does “maintaining separation” look like prior to filing in grounds.  There may be requirements like you take rings off, don’t cook or do laundry for one another, sleep separately, no “relations”, etc.  Violations of enough of these things is like condoning what happened and might void the “grounds”.  
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Keepabuzz
Mermaid,
I agree with much of what it is posted above. You owe him absolutely nothing. I also think that immediate separation/divorce should be the default reaction to a cheating spouse, unless there are very compelling reasons to do otherwise. Those reasons for me was my kids. If had not had kids, after my wife’s confession, she would have never seen me again. My lawyer would have been the only way she could have contacted me. I would have literally disappeared from her world, never to be seen or heard of again. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ThrivenotSurvive
I also agree there should be VERY compelling reasons to stay.  In my case, in was not primarily about  our grown daughter but she DEFINITELY was a factor.  I had a WH who had actually been a very good and loving spouse most of our lives together who appeared to have really, really lost his way amid grief over his father's passing and being separated (not living together) for close to two years (because of work) who was VERY FOCUSED on reconciliation.  Did he do everything perfectly, NO.  But he was trying very, very hard and getting better at it every day.  

I am STILL amazed that I did stay and that we enjoy such a happy marriage today.  But i guarantee you that I nearly left about 100,000 times in the first 18 months or so - and would have if he hadn't worked SO HARD to show he was working on himself and 100% present to help heal me.  

As pro-reconciliation as I might seem to some - I am really not.  I am pro-reconciliation when it is GOOD for both parties involved.  In my case, it was worth it.  It a LOTTTTTT of cases, it isn't.  Two years is a long time.  By now you should have seen some fairly profound changes in your husband and in your marriage  If you don't - or they aren't enough - or you've just realized it won't ever be the relationship you want at this stage in your life - let it go.  You tried.  Take comfort in that and build the life you want. 

it is 100% true.  You don't owe him anything.  And without a doubt, you do not owe him the rest of your life.  The only person you OWE right now is you.  To look into your heart and figure out what you genuinely want (given where you are now) - and then take steps to make that happen.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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TheFarmGirl
mermaid wrote:
It has been 2 years since DDay. We have been going to MC for almost a year. Thought we were doing better and I was seeing some changes. But we had a pretty significant argument a few nights ago and a MC session right after. It has all been pretty enlightening. I finally have words to describe the constant, cruel cycle that we operate in: he doesn’t value himself, so he can’t support me, and then blames me for not getting his needs met. 

Anyway, I just told him I am not sure that this relationship is going to work. And honestly, I am ready to start taking steps to make separation more official. (Instead of just checking out emotionally.) There are a lot of posts on here about separations that involve kids or separations because the WS still wants the AP. This is not my case. I am the BS and I am looking at separating; no kids (just a dog!) and we do own a house. My WH continues to say he wants this marriage to work, that he is terrified of losing me,  but it has become clear that there are some serious changes he needs to make—and he has not yet worked towards those.

Has anyone on here gone through something similar? Did you move out or did you ask your WS to leave? What was the emotional fallout like after you made your decision?


good for you for making it through two years. Now don’t feel bad about leaving if that is what you want. 

My my first marriage: husband was cheating.staying with the girl almost every day of the week. We had no children and he was also abusive (wouldn’t stop the car so I could go to the bathroom, much else). And I was On a city, and I hated that city and felt very alone. 

It sounds like you want out but are comfortable where you are? If that is the case, maybe envision a life change that will bring you happiness (different job, or location, or going back to school for something fun).  
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