HI i’m writing today to pour my feelings out so i can feel better. i also wish i can get some advice from you guys to help me out of this tough situation!!
btw I don’t know what AH and DD and AP stand for.. can someone let me know please?
my story: i’m a 25 year old girl currently dating a 33 year old guy, i’ll call him babe in this. babe and i started seeing each other about 10 months ago and we had a great spark, mutual respect, love and care. we talked about marriage many times but after the first two months of our dating he told me that he was engaged to someone from his home country .. (according to him it’s a girl that he was once in love with many years ago. she got married to someone else, had 2 kids, her husband was an a**hole so they got divorced. then babe and her eventually reconnected and had to fight and convince both of their families to allow them to get engaged) it’s not bullsh*t though it’s actually common from our culture that we have to convince the families to accept the person we want to marry and give us their blessing for marriages. 
well basically babe told me they got engaged two years ago and he wishes to get out of it because he’s met me now and feels real love. he told me from then that he will try to marry me at the end but he’s not sure how his parents will react. he didn’t want to give me hope only to break it. my dumb a s s  chose to stay with him with the 1% of hope i had. i hopes that he’d be able to let her go and convince his family to marry me. 
in the past 10 months our connection grew stronger and stronger and we spent almost every day/night together having the best times and being completely comfortable and free. he always had a lot of respect for me, never tried to use me for money/sex or anything like that. we never lied to each other and always were clear with our emotions, past etc. he constantly told me that we have to live with reality and how he never wants to hurt me but he’s scared of the future. we had fights several times when i ended up seeing babes messages with her and getting upset. but i would always come back to him knowing that i can’t be upset since i’m the one that chose to stay w him after knowing the whole situation. well fast forward 10 months later....
Now... he was in his country for the past two months (he ended up getting stuck there because of COVID). and he basically came back and told me he got married to her before coming back. he had told me before leaving that there was a chance this could happen because of family pressure and what not but he promised to never lie to me about it because he doesn’t want to do me wrong in any way. so he told me as soon as he came back. 
the truth is... he’s really never lied to me. he’s been an honest person this whole time- from the beginning. he’s told me everything that he could’ve kept hidden if he wanted to. he’s always respected me and treated me like a princess. he makes me so happy and to be honest i find it hard to be interested in anything that doesn’t involve him. i’m madly in love, head over heels which is why it’s so hard for me to walk away from this- knowing that i’m f*ckig up. we both talk about leaving each other and trying to be friends instead of lovers but it’s sooo hard. 
when he first told me he ended up getting married, i was crying at first and some time later i told him - i knew this would happen and i don’t wanna run away from you. i still want us to be friends so let’s not be physical - i don’t wanna touch and kiss and hug someone else’s husband. i convinced myself that i love him in a diff way and if i take away the romantic aspect we can actually be great friends because were so open with each other and we understand each other so well. he agreed to that too and told me he will always care for me and love me and friendship is the best option for us. 
a few days later we went on a road trip together with some friends and we ended up having sex and being romantic as hell the whole trip. we both couldn’t resist the temptation knowing what we’re doing isn’t right. 
now i just came home and i feel so guilty. my problem is it’s soo hard to stay away from because i can’t hate him. and i can’t him because he’s just such a nice person to me and he never lied or did anything wrong to me so i can only see his good side. 
his wife kept calling him today and he wasn’t giving me any attention because they were having a fight. and that’s when i realized i’m literally dying for attention and love from someone that will never be mine. i keep telling myself that i deserve someone who will give their 100% self to me the way i give to him, i deserve someone who i can say is “only mine”. but then i always get weak when i’m with him and end up showing my strong feelings because i can’t hide my feelings. he complained about her here and there but i know he loves her too as he’s told me this before. it hurts me so much to know that he possibly loves someone else just as much as he loves me (or even more) because he makes me his top priority 24/7 and makes me feel so special loved and appreciated. when i think about someone else getting that love from him, it makes me hate him because i feel like.. how can he do that and feel that for someone else? is it fake then? I don’t know i’m so confused with this who situation. i feel so selfish because i’m not thinking about his wife but i also feel like i’m being me and following my heart to make myself happy. I don’t know if i need a reality check or i’m a horrible person. do u guys think i’m stupid? do i need to get away and dead him? i don’t wanna feel like sh*t anymore and i don’t wanna be the other woman. but how do i let go of someone so perfect? ugh
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AH —Affair Healing

DD—D Day, discovery day, day the spouse/partner learns of the affair

AP—Affair Partner

There is a list on the website of all abbreviations we use. 
Wishing everyone here peace and healing!

Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 4/2019 and counting. 
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Wishing everyone here peace and healing!

Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 4/2019 and counting. 
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Thank you for being so honest about what is going on. It’s hard. 

Now for a warning to you about this forum. Most of the people on this forum are BS’s. (Betrayed Spouses) An AP can see some of their comments to you as being harsh or mean. I assure you that most of the people I have come to know on this site are good people, with big hearts. Some may be outright vicious to you, but that will be the minority. Ignore them or block them. 

I am very sorry to hear you have found yourself in this awful position. As you mention a couple of times, there may be some cultural differences that we are not aware of. Be clear about those. Beyond the arraigned marriage, which I am confident most of us understand. You live in the US now. And despite what you may be watching on TV currently, this is a free country. We don’t force anyone to marry another against their will. 

You now find yourself as the OW (other woman). This is not a healthy place to be. Not for you, him or his wife. He left to visit home. He knew you before he left. He then married another woman. He made a commitment to her that he has NOT made to you. 

He may have been nothing but truthful to you in the beginning. He is not a truthful person now.  He is a liar. He is either lying to her, you, or both. And he is making you complicit in hurting another human being who has done nothing to you.  And I assure you, no matter the circumstances of his marriage, that this IS hurting her immensely. She just doesn’t know it yet. When she does, it will be like a bomb going off in her heart. 

You MUST end all contact with him. Immediately. You two cannot be friends. Imagine, how you would feel if he left his wife, married you and wanted her to still be his close friend. 

I know you have strong feelings for this man. I know that it will break your heart to sever all contact with him. However, this is the best course for everyone involved. You are 25. You know your heart will mend. Yes, it will suck rotten eggs for awhile. But you will pick yourself up, get back out there, and find a better man because you will be a much wiser person. 

There is no room in his life for you now. There may come a day when that is not the case. But that day will not be until AFTER the divorce papers are signed by a judge deeming their marriage over. You deserve to live a happy life in the meantime. 

You say in your post that you know you want someone who will give you 100% of their love to you. You are a human deserving of nothing less. Stop settling for second place. There are a lot of men out there that would NEVER do this to you. You deserve better. 

I would lastly suggest that you start seeing a counselor. Most everyone here has. You need to address why it is that you are even considering settling for less. We all have things in our past that has caused us to question our worth. Those issues must be addressed before you find yourself in the same place with another man. 

I wish you nothing but the best life. In your heart, you know this is not it. Or you wouldn’t be here saying the things that you are saying. Nothing good comes easy. It’s an often used phrase that we ignore because we are human. The hard work is going to suck. But, I promise you, if you follow my advice and the advice of others here, that you will come out of this a stronger, healthier, happier person. 

Wishing everyone here peace and healing!

Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 4/2019 and counting. 
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I would assume he’s lying to both of you. He knew he was engaged when he started dating you but chose to wait months to tell you about it. He likely know he was going to get married when he led for his trip, it was likely the purpose of the trip. Has he mentioned when his wife will be coming to join him? Is he expecting you to go into hiding when that happens?

End it now and learn from the experience. Use this to ensure your next relationship is healthier. Start counseling before starting that new relationship but first run far from this guy. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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This “babe” person doesn’t sound like a person with integrity, loyalty, boundaries, or a sense of honor.  He has succeeded in making you an adulteress and complicit in the possible breakup of his marriage.  

Knowing that he was already engaged, he continued to date you all the while knowing he had a fiancé in another country.  It sounds like he’s playing the “poor me” card like none of this is his responsibility.  You’re feeling sorry for him, but he placed himself and you into this situation knowing full well that he was getting married to another.  He should not have been dating anyone knowing he was already engaged.  His actions don’t inspire confidence.  

He’s also feeling like “ the Rock Star” who is getting attention from his wife and you.  So, if he’s having sex with her and you, why would he change and make a decision about who he wants to be with?  Since he knows you are head over heels in love with him, he’s counting on you continuing the relationship.  Why would he stop?  He’s got it all.  Hence, THE ROCK STAR.

You need to step back from this toxic relationship, learn from this experience, and vow to make yourself a better person to get you ready for your next relationship.  Don’t date married men.  You’ve seen where this ends.  There are so many single men looking for single women.  Married men already made their choice of a partner. 

Why would you want to be with someone who conspired to lie and deceive his wife?  If he’s capable of cheating on his wife, why wouldn’t he do it to you?  Make yourself into a person full of integrity and self awareness who will no longer let herself be used and abused by anyone no matter how cute or sweet they are.

Like Maya Angelou once said:  WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM.  Your “babe” has shown you who he is.  Believe him.

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