BlindCheetah
I just found a FB message from a different account from the persistent one with a screen shot of a text conversation from April, 1 week after our anniversary almost 5 months after last known contact. I took screen shots blocked her and hopped on my new to me bike for a “test drive” vent ride. I’m under a tree half listening to an outdoor church service and trying not to fall apart. Trying to figure out what I’m going to do when I get home.

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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BlindCheetah
If I can get an honest answer when the last time he responded to her was I’m going to ask him to email her demanding no contact, have his work number changed and get off of Facebook.

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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ThrivenotSurvive

BlindCheetah - I am so sorry you are going through this.  

I am trying to understand... she sent him a screen shot of their own text messages from a new Facebook account? I must assume she was hoping you’d find them since he wouldn’t need a reminder of a conversation he was a part of.  

Was the content of the exchange troubling or the just the fact that he hid it from you? Or both? 

BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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BlindCheetah

it was a screen shot of a text conversation sent from another FB account. He called her in April after she sent him a few texts freaking out over the carrona virus. The text conversation was about the same time. He swears there was no other communication since which her recent messages support and he didn’t respond to anything between December and April which I’m not sure I believe and have no way to verify. There is nothing in the messages that would be troubling if it was anyone else. He deactivated his FB account before I asked he also said he was going to change his work number before I asked. He’s willing to write her a letter telling her not to contact him but doesn’t think it’s a good idea. 

He didn’t handle it very well and spent way too much time bit¢hing about living under a microscope. I don’t know how many times I’ve told him to just shut up and give me a hug but he can’t do that he has to rant about how hard it is on his end while I fall apart. 

 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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ThrivenotSurvive

Oy! He’s still emotionally a teenager.  His world mainly revolves around him and he struggles to remember that his actions affect others, not just the other way around.  

In the early years, I often had to talk my husband through his uncomfortable feelings.  Part of him knew that he had made the bed he was lying in, but another part couldn’t stop resenting it.  

I explained that I “got it” (and in a weird way I did).  I understood how hard it must be to be 100% transparent when you never had to before and it feels scary and vulnerable, how hard it must be to feel that your intentions and actions are regularly questioned, etc.   

And that if he found it too difficult I understood, but that for me, that would mean that we needed to part ways.  I had no desire  to force him to be “a certain way” (and I meant it) but I was also 100% clear on what I needed from anyone after this experience to entrust my heart again. If our wants/needs didn’t match, I understood but I’d rather be happy apart then unhappy together.  So if he couldn’t give me what I needed, no harm, no foul - but I needed to move on.  If he wanted to be with me though, this was the way it had to be.  Not an ultimatum, just a clear explanation of who I am and what I needed.  

It took explaining this (calmly and clearly) multiple times before he 100% “got” it.  But each time it seemed he figured it out more.  He would end up realizing my actions had nothing to do with controlling him and everything to do with providing a safe environment for me - with or without him.  

Once he REALLY got that, he stopped rebelling against it and saw it as a gift he could give me.  A way of showing me how truly committed he was to being a good husband and partner.  And that is when we started to blossom.  

He stopped seeing me as His “mother”  controlling his thoughts, movements and whereabouts.  Instead he began to see me as his loving wife who wished for him to be happy with or without her - but loved herself enough to have strong, clear boundaries that she wasn’t going to bend  - not for him or anyone.  

It leveled the playing field in our marriage.  He knew that I loved him and would grieve the loss of our relationship, he also knew I could and would walk away if it wasn’t working for me.  No one was holding all the cards and we had equal power. That is important in any relationship.  

After he gained his new perspective, I could see the change in him, which allowed me to open up more.  He in turn saw that as validation that his efforts were working and well received, and he had the motivation to be more honest, open and vulnerable. It became a cycle in the right direction - rather than the wrong one that we had found ourselves in years before.  

It is my hope that if you can keep working with your husband to find these new perspectives, he will follow a similar path.  Obviously he has to be willing to hear it, but I have found that sometimes these emotionally stunted people need a lot of help to see what is right in front of their face.  They are still operating as a toddler (emotionally) and we are frustrated with them because we are trying to explain something from a mature emotional understanding.  Dumb it down for him, help guide him into your shoes.  Ask him to play role reversal and really paint the picture of what it would feel like for HIM to have to be in your shoes.  

He can join you in the grown up emotional world if he really wants to - but it does take time and you are under NO obligation to be the one to teach him.  

Thrive

BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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BlindCheetah
He’s in full toddler tantrum mode. He’s mad at her and probably himself so am I. He claims the call in April was to calm her down and prevent her doing what she’s doing now. She’s going after him every way she can find. He’s blaming her for upsetting me instead himself for breaking no contact and lying about it.

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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BlindCheetah
I also have to go to work tomorrow my first real day of work since March and I have to spend a full day pretending I’m OK. I have to spend the whole day trying to make people smile while faking my own.  I’ll be working very close to the persistent one, it’s a really good thing I don’t known how to find her. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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Skelling
I am sorry BlindCheetah, I am sure you must be exhausted. Having that woman still lurking around, must be very triggering. In the early days I wished the OW in my case would do that just so I could rub in that she lost. (I know not very nice of me). Going back to work might actually be a good thing. Perhaps it will help you take your mind off it for a while and even if you don't feel like smiling or having to fake, maybe you are able to find genuine "happy" moments, when trying to make  other people smile. Try not to give her the power to take that away from you. I know easier said than done. I still give the OW wayyyyyyyyy too much space in my head. I guess I still haven't quite accepted the whole thing. I don't remember who said it or where, but I really liked it. Acceptance comes, when we give up the hope of being able to changing the past. Not quite there yet. But I really liked what Thrive wrote about trying to teach the emotional side, try to really help them understand what and how we fee. The only problem that I see with that is, when the man doesn't let any emotions close, which makes it really hard trying to find a comparable example  for him to understand how it feels. Wonder why emotional intelligence isn't taught at school. 
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Marathon18
I second that. Going to work kept me sane - in fact it felt like my safe space, which my home suddenly wasn’t. I’m a teacher and although my job is very full on, I found I was able to switch on that smile as soon as the kids walked through the door. I’m really sorry you are going through this, but it’s essential  he completely cuts contact with the OW. I suffered for 18 months with my husband travelling away for work with his AP and it’s only since he stopped working with her that we have been able to begin our healing journey. If I can offer any comfort, things have improved drastically for us. There are still trust issues from my part, good days and bad days, but I have begun to feel safe again and the nightmare is beginning to recede. Hang in there - the fact that you both still are indicates you both feel the relationship you have is still special and important. He is probably still in the affair fog and as it starts to lift I hope he will come back as the person you once knew. 
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Kalmarjan

Blind Cheetah, 


I'm sorry you're in this situation. I am speaking as a WS, and the only thing that matters here is your husband broke the no contact rule. He might be angry at her, but if it is anything like I went through, it's because she's making his life difficult, which wouldn't happen if he truly went no contact. 

Like, told her, if you contact me one more time, I will involve the authorities. In my case, I didn't want to be the bad guy (stupid, right?) He might be feeling out of sorts because he has to be transparent 100%, but he put himself there, no one else. 

Perhaps it's time he pulled up his big boy pants and actually took responsability for his actions. No contact. Period. 

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BlindCheetah
Almost 2 1/2 hours in the car, loud angry music made the drive bearable, blown speaker also reminded me H hasn’t bothered installing the new speakers he got me for Christmas yet.  I hope we’re just busy enough to distract me. I’m armed with a large bottle of hand sanitizer, hope it’s enough.

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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BlindCheetah
Kalmarjan wrote:

Blind Cheetah, 


I'm sorry you're in this situation. I am speaking as a WS, and the only thing that matters here is your husband broke the no contact rule. He might be angry at her, but if it is anything like I went through, it's because she's making his life difficult, which wouldn't happen if he truly went no contact. 

Like, told her, if you contact me one more time, I will involve the authorities. In my case, I didn't want to be the bad guy (stupid, right?) He might be feeling out of sorts because he has to be transparent 100%, but he put himself there, no one else. 

Perhaps it's time he pulled up his big boy pants and actually took responsability for his actions. No contact. Period. 



This is exactly the point I kept trying to make yesterday. I told him when I gave him my list of terms for staying I meant NO CONTACT at ALL, not just a little just like quitting smoking doesn’t mean not buying them only bumming them off of friends. I told him it’s not her job to solve her problems he needs to get over his hero complex and leave her alone. I don’t care if she’s on fire it’s not his job to piss on her to put it out. 


He kept asking if we can focus on the good and keep moving forward. I’ve seen lots of good but $h!t like this makes me wonder what parts are real. 

If he had done everything I asked him to do in the beginning she would have had a much harder time tracking him down. He’s worried about her sending screenshots of him bashing me, that would have been better as long as it was before December, sure it would be hard to see in writing but already know he was making up some wild $h!t to justify his actions, he was lying to himself as much as everyone else. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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Keepabuzz
Brass tacks, if my wife had (or does in the future) broken the no contact rule, she would literally never see or speak to me again. She could speak to my attorney until the divorce was final, and our one minor child would be exchanged at a neutral location, and I wouldn’t even roll the window down. I would be a complete ghost. There is no excuse.  They can tell themselves they are trying to protect the BS, or minimize the damage, etc. it’s all Bull$hit. It’s protecting themselves, yet again putting themselves first.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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BlindCheetah

Keepabuzz wrote:
Brass tacks, if my wife had (or does in the future) broken the no contact rule, she would literally never see or speak to me again. She could speak to my attorney until the divorce was final, and our one minor child would be exchanged at a neutral location, and I wouldn’t even roll the window down. I would be a complete ghost. There is no excuse.  They can tell themselves they are trying to protect the BS, or minimize the damage, etc. it’s all Bull$hit. It’s protecting themselves, yet again putting themselves first.  


This definitely crossed my mind and if he’d blatantly lied when confronted it may have been the end. I also have to consider I really need his insurance right now, if I don’t bring this COVID crap home from work it will likely be because things get shut down again, leaving me unemployed. I’m going to start planning just in case he pulls this $h!t again. 

I also tightened up a few things up on the bike so next time I storm off and go for an unplanned ride on a 40 yr old bike I don’t kill myself when it disassembles itself. 😬 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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BlindCheetah
He’s still in toddler tantrum mode.  He did some cleaning while I was  gone and made a cute arrangement with a bunch of toy animals that been an ongoing game for a long time. When he realized I was still upset and didn’t do a happy dance over his efforts he decided I have unreasonable expectations. I told him he just threw away 8 months  of trust, he couldn’t handle it and started ranting again. He’s sleeping in the RV tonight, completely his decision, a hug and an apology would have been nice.  

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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