Reese
My husband has been having an affair for roughly 3-3.5 months with the baker at work in a remote location. I found out just about two months ago, he admitted it and has since tried to deny it claiming they are only friends even though this woman has repeatedly messaged me stating they are going to be together when we are divorced and most recently that she is going to continue to be involved with him because he makes her so happy.

He didn't tell me when he was returning to town and instead went to his parents for a few days before finally showing up to pickup his truck. After trying to talk to him this evening and failing miserably I informed him that I had filed for divorce, having feared he was on drugs because he had gone basically no contact on me for the majority of the three months prior and had been pulling large sums of money from our account. When I told him this I watched his heart break. I told him I did not want a divorce but as a sahm of our 5 children I needed to know the kids would be protected should he be doing anything shady. By this time I had also told him he had to chose between the ow or our family. He told me he loved me and wanted to fix our marriage, handed me back my wedding band that I had given to him earlier and told me to wear it, that he loves me and wants our family together. He said he was going to come back the next morning and talk about things. He even hugged me, long hugs, three times.

He never showed the next day and the day after that I went to talk to him. He basically toldme how worthless I am and that everything was my fault and there was no option to try to reconcile. He wants a divorce. He wouldn't even let me talk. Later I found out that he had spoken to the ow following our first interaction for over three hours on one phone call. 

Since then he has been very back and forth and it's devastating. (Been home staying at his parents about a month) He refuses to come home or to try to save our marriage. Is in constant contact until recently when it slowed down for about two weeks but she just flew into town and he is with her now. I do not know if it was just emotional before but if it had been I would say they are physical now seeing how they are in a hotel together.

To say that I am broken beyond repair is putting it mildly. I grew up in a horrible home but I worked so hard to do better and be better for my children and I believe I truly have accomplished that. This though, hurts worse than anything I have ever experienced. 

His actions have been so wildly different from the man I know that all of his family and our friends thought he must have been on drugs. Is there any hope that he will come out of this fog? 

This last year has been a rough one and we haven't had much time together but I never would have expected this and I am struggling so badly right now with what to do. 

I've been advised to out them to everyone. That this might help to end it. His parents already know although he thinks he can convince everyone that it's all my fault. 
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ThrivenotSurvive
I am sorry but there is only course of action that makes any sense for you right now. 

Get recommendations from people you trust and see a lawyer asap.  Get your ducks in a row.  Find out if outing your husband and the AP can hurt you in a financial settlement.   If it won't, have at it if it feels right to you.  If it feels beneath you, don't.  I think that is your choice all the way. 

But if you are planning to out them to try and end the affair and get him to come home - think long and hard on why you'd want him back. Honestly, at this point, with the way he has behaved for a YEAR?  I wouldn't suggest giving him the time of day even if he crawled on his hands and knees back to you.  I'd start hardening my heart and moving on ASAP.  You deserve 100,000 times better.  

Try to become as selfish as he is being right now and think ONLY of you and your children and making certain that you do not pay any more than you already have for his horrible choices.  Make sure that your lawyer takes very, very, very good care of you and your kids.  

Do not give him ANY warning what is coming.  Follow your attorney's directions to the letter. Document everything - every time she or he contacted you and the content of those communications, every time he took sums out of the family back account - but not for the family, etc.  Start building an airtight case.  

Whether he is in a fog is somewhat irrelevant at this point - he's had a YEAR to come out of it.  He's been treating you - the mother of his CHILDREN - cruelly for a YEAR.  No fog or unmet needs or whatever the excuse is gives him a pass for that.  

Start getting MAD.  Use that anger to propel you to action.  i know right now you are hurting - and I wish I could take that away  But as long as you let him play this back and forth game - you don't even START healing.  You could already be a year into healing if you'd made him make a choice (and stick to it) way back then.  Stop the bleeding and take the decision out of his hands.  He's clearly crazy or - maybe he IS on drugs.  Either way - that is NOT the person that should be calling the shots.  

We are all here for you.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Experiencethedevine29
First, I’m really sorry that you’re having to join the club nobody’s a fan of. It’s a very hard kick in the guts.

Your husband is, by his actions, clearly showing that he currently has absolutely NO respect for you, or his family. Whether he is in a ‘fog’ or not, his behaviour says everything.  And by the way, I don’t believe in this ‘affair fog’ bollocks, to me it’s it’s an excuse to behave like a complete W⚓️...vile...

You say you’ve had a difficult year. Well that means both of you, but the difference between you is obvious. While you dug down and got on with it, your dick head decided to go and stick it in another woman. 🤢🤮..then he has the audacity to f**k you around while king dingaling  makes his mind up which one he wants??....no,no,no, I don’t thinks so my lovely.

 Listen, all of us here have been there, and I know others with a different approach will be along to offer sound advice, but to start with, read up on something called the 180.  This is a means of protecting YOU and your children while your head tries to get a grip of all this s*it. It’s difficult, but it releases you from his abuse (and what he’s doing to you IS abuse) and allows you to concentrate as hard as you can on you and the children as you create a new path. It won’t work if you’re only doing it to try and make him see sense though. He won’t. At the minute he’s got his head up his ass.  What it means is that you create a breathing space, protect your own broken ego, rally for your children, and maintain your dignity and self respect as much as you can.

Its no longer about him, he’s behaving like a total twat. This is about you. Yes. You should tell family what he’s up to, but be warned, it might not stop him and you may have one or two nasty shocks when it comes to his family, but I’m fully onboard with exposing his disgusting behaviour and treatment of his own wife and children. 

As for her, messaging and calling you with her bulls*it, Cut her dead. Seriously, she’s obviously a nasty C hell bent on making you suffer.  I’ve been there and a thousand times with a vile individual, so from experience, save your sanity and cut her right out. Block her everywhere. Don’t give her the slightest inclination that she bothers you. The fact that she obviously IS bothered by you will make your silence all the more irritating to her knowing she’s no longer able to goad you into responding. 

Finally, DO NOT PLAY THE PICK ME DANCE..for your own sake, as others will tell you, it doesn’t work, and when you get to a better place (and I know it doesn’t feel like you ever will at the moment, but you WILL), you will likely cringe every time you think about it.  What you do when you play this game is lay yourself out in front of him and his shagnasty for them to pee all over you while they laugh doing it.  Don’t do it.

This stuff is really, really hard, but you CAN get through it. If you have at least one person to whom you can truly turn to for support then you have something to hang onto for now. Lean on your most trusted. They will help you through this awful time.

Your husband isn't doing this because he’s not getting enough, he’s doing it because he’s not GIVING enough. Concentrate all your efforts on you and your children, and if it were me? I’d be stashing some of those large sums of money he’s been spending on his philandering away for me and my kids....

hold your head high, you can do this dear girl, whether it means divorce or not.

 ETD 🌻
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Reese
The affair has only been 3-3.5 months. We had a difficult year though. He spent most of it away and illness with our children. 

I do have an attorney. I hired her after months of hardly any contact. The children and I are absolutely protected. My husband though keeps trying to get me to get rid of her. Telling me that we can agree on things. Likely not the case dear husband. He called me a conniving "see you next tuesday" because I refused to fire her. He never EVER called me names. He was a devoted father and husband. This new person is so foreign to me. 
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Experiencethedevine29
Reese wrote:
The affair has only been 3-3.5 months. We had a difficult year though. He spent most of it away and illness with our children. 

I do have an attorney. I hired her after months of hardly any contact. The children and I are absolutely protected. My husband though keeps trying to get me to get rid of her. Telling me that we can agree on things. Likely not the case dear husband. He called me a conniving "see you next tuesday" because I refused to fire her. He never EVER called me names. He was a devoted father and husband. This new person is so foreign to me. 


hang on a minute.....WHAT??? He called YOU a conniving Cee yUo Next Tuesday???...😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣... I’m sorry Reese, but that had me laughing my f*cking ass off...what a total 🛎🔚.. and I’d wager there’s much more to that 3+ months too..

I’d like to say,’who the eff does he think he is’?? But I can answer that myself...he thinks he’s ‘casanova’...no matey, you are not..you’re a twat.

The thing to remember too is that while we see this ‘alien’ in front of us, and don’t recognise them as the man we believed in before all the shenanigans come to light, we might do well to consider that this ‘alien’ might well have been hiding in plain sight all the time!  Then what? We should be prudent in thinking that this might be a facet of their persona which, while we haven’t seen it before, could be because it’s been buried and never surfaced until now...

Watch carefully, it’s about his actions, not his words.  Words don’t mean s*it if they aren’t followed by positive action.  You are in the company of a wolf.

I’m relieved that you and the children are protected, and he’s rightly cacking his pants because you’ve got him over a barrel now that you have a solicitor, so let him throw his toys out of the pram, you keep her, and make sure she does what she can for you and your children, and when he starts bawling because things aren’t going his way, tell him to f*ck off...

ETD 🌻
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Fionarob
It's interesting how they change.......my ex called me horrible names as well once the affair was exposed, something he had never, ever done in all our 18 years together.

Some situations deserve thinking about, some WS's deserve one chance to put things right, but the way your husband is behaving, I can't think of a single reason why you would even consider it.  You are better off without him by the sounds of it.
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Keepabuzz
I agree with others here. You already have an attorney, that is good. Don’t do anything that can hurt you in divorce proceedings. I would push to get the divorce finished ASAP. Remove him from your life. Ask your attorney if you can change the locks on your home, if so, do it. Also if you can pull any money for yourself, if she says yes, take all you can. I would block his AP, and completely ignore any attempts for contact from him. Force him to communicate with you through your lawyer.  Focus on building a new life without him in it. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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triplehooks
Agree with all the above comments.  

Don’t forget to also hire a PI and get EVIDENCE of their adultery.  He is at a hotel with her now??  Send over a PI to get them on film.  Download all the phone bills.  These idiots often don’t even think to use anonymous calling and their calls are all right their in the call logs.  To the degree you can get it you want proof they were boning before any agreed upon separation took place.  

Ask your lawyer about alienation of affection.  Not everywhere allows it as grounds for a suit but if you are lucky it’s available to you and you can sue his paramour.  Sue that b!tch to KINGDOM COME!!!  As a baker she may not have much but get a judgment against her anyway and garnish her f*cking wages.  You are a SAHM of FIVE kids and she is threatening them and your financial well being.  F*cking CRIMINAL!!!

Regarding fog and other crap we read about trying to get our bearings, it’s certainly possible your husband will later regret deeply what he’s doing now, his regret doesn’t entitle him to jack $hit, and it’s irrelevant to whether he is worthy of your heart/trust ever again.  That should be a LONG process of proving himself, not a “conversation”. 

There is a REALLY good chance your husband is picking up STDs right now, or just exposing himself, but is that EVER forgivable?  While he’s still married to you and he’s abandoned your kids to go live with his parents and bone his baker he is creating the possibility of impregnating her.  Is that forgivable? Five kids of his own he couldn’t be bothered with and possibly creating a sixth?  These aren’t attributes you would accept in a speed dating candidate why would they be ever acceptable in the person who ALREADY committed to you before?

Burn his a$$.  Divorce him.  Be as merciless as possible with the settlement.  Take as much as you can of the assets.  Use whatever the PI digs up to leverage him into outsized child support and spousal support.  If they are “adjustable” make them adjustable only on the upside not the downside.  Get busy — right now — figuring out how you want to start making money yourself and start making it.  

Dont be concerned AT ALL what he thinks about you or what anyone says about you.  If they are against you in the least they don’t matter.  All that matters right now is you and your kids. Your survival and your continuous ability to get them through their childhoods.  This a$$hole is truly ruining your life and deserves nothing.  You owe him NOTHING. 


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Keepabuzz
👆👆👆. 1000% agree
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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