Joss
Ok so my ws spouse has recently said that he wants to work things out in our marriage. That he still see's potential But what is stoping him is that every time he comes over i bring his ap up and I bombar him with questions,about her and their relationship. I get where he is coming from and as much as i am tired of talking about it as well,I cant stop my self. Because i feel like i still dont have closure. He says that he has stoped talking to her. But I honestly don't believe him. And i do see him making baby steps toward us. I did tell him today that i wish he would have more transparency so i could star trusting him. And if he could be a little more understanding toward me I would greatly appreciate it. I guess my question is how can i allowed my self to tust him again? If im not completely sure he has stoped talking to his ap?
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TimT
Joss wrote:
...I guess my question is how can i allowed myself to trust him again? If im not completely sure he has stoped talking to his ap?

I don't know that anyone can be "completely sure" that all contact has stopped. If people want to connect, there are a hundred ways for them to do it. 

Trust won't be re-established based on your ability to identify and eliminate every risk. Rather, trust will be rebuilt when there has been ENOUGH TIME filled with the RIGHT STUFF.

Enough Time: How much time is required? It's different for everyone. It depends on your own personal history, the history of your marriage, the extent of the affair, and how quickly your spouse returned to truthfulness after the affair was revealed. But even in the best-case scenarios, it takes time to rebuild trust. Any expectation that someone should just "forget the past and move on" is ridiculous. Shattered trust MUST be restored if you want to have any hope for healthy reconnection and intimacy.

The Right Stuff: Time alone will not rebuild trust. The time needs to be filled with the kinds of behavior that demonstrate trustworthiness. If your husband is consistently demonstrating his desire to create a safe place for you in your marriage, you can begin to trust that over time. If he is not (if he expects you to just get over it, if he defends his right to remain independent and unaccountable, if he keeps secrets), then even 100 years will not bring you back to trust; it must be earned.

But if you have the right ingredients, it will still be up to you to start practicing trust again. Take small steps. It will feel scary at first, but if you take small steps of trust and see that things are still okay, you'll be able to risk the next step. Some people, because of their own history of abandonment or abuse, simply cannot return to trust again and so, for them, an affair becomes an almost certain end to their marriage.

If you find that his behavior cannot be trusted, or if he refuses to assume responsibility for regaining your trust, you'll probably need to establish some boundaries. When it comes to this issue, HE should be doing the work, not you.
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Intuition77
You can't. Or you may be able but why would you want to? I wouldn't want to trust someone who's lied and betrayed me until I've seen concrete evidence they we're committed and being honest and trustworthy and without any doubt not still contacting the ap.

Please don't take offense to this I mean it well but You seem to grasp on to any slight
Encouragement from your husband as a sign the marriage will just continue as before. I know it's hard and we
Look for signs of change but you can't rush something like this. There's no magic broom that will sweep it all away. And giving him what he wants (to avoid discussing it) isn't going to help you heal-prob not him either.

Maybe ask yourself some really hard questions. Like why do you feel it's your problem you don't trust him when he's the one who broke the trust? Because by asking how you can trust him when he hasn't earned it that's what your doing-taking on his wrongs and trying to right them. Or do you somehow feel and hope that you can just take one for the team and force yourself to trust him and later he will "come around" get it and change? Do you honestly think that's likely to happen? If you force yourself to trust him when he hasn't earned it & just go by his word are you going to feel safe? If nothing changes. If nothing you wanted to see from him ever happens are you going to be happy and content to live with that? They're hard questions but I think you have to be brutally honest with yourself. Maybe your ok with the sacrifice and that's totally up to you-everyone's situation is different. I'm just saying see the situation clearly so you know exactly what your signing up for. Be honest with yourself. There's no shame in saying I tried and he wasn't able or willing to give me what I needed. There's no shame in waiting it out either. Nothing says your marriage has to be fixed and back to trust immediately. I don't think
Any could.


I somewhat did this in the beginning. Surely he would realize my pain and care. Surely he would work at this. Soon. Eventually. Any day now. Any day now the man I married would reappear suddenly and everything would be ok. He never came back. It's been over 10 months & his denials justifications selfish entitlement and ideas of well the marriage could have worked if you had just got over it, let it go and not talked about it or asked for honesty-all still firmly in place. Even worse
Now actually. They come out as
Almost insane irrational defenses. Like recently when Questioned over a financial matterHis actual response was "why would you think I would lie? I'm tired of you accusing me Of things I don't do like lie"

Yes. My lying cheating husband who never came clean about most things actually said that. When that crazy disillusionment comes out I'm glad I started working on
Moving on alone and me. Cause I see that and I think wow that's bordering delusions right there. He answers nothing head on. Everything from finances to houses to kids is a series of omissions and half truths & avoidance. It is actually bizarre to watch! There is no honesty with oneself in that and that terrifies me. That anyone could be to that level of lies and denials.

And In my case I haven't discussed, brought up the marriage affair or us in months. Because for me it's over. I'll
Never trust that. And that's not my defect.
I'll never feel safe with someone like that & I shouldn't. Yet he will still throw out those comments and his own rationalizing. Sometimes they really can't come out of the fog of lies and denials. I truly think for some it's almost an outer shell that if cracked their ego almost considers it death. I expect (we have kids and have to have limited contact because of that) that for years he will regret what he did and lost and still rationalize and make these comments because that's regret and shame and his own pain but remorse? I don't think it will ever appear. One he chooses to see this as so ething that just happened to him rather then personal responsibility for something he did. And two Because you need empathy for remorse. And empathy is a direct attack against the egos defenses to protect them from their own dissonance with what they did. Some just can't ever go there. Even 10 months later he still (with no contact with ap since month 2) barely sees his own children. Not involved at all. I'm saying all this to explain that sometimes no matter how bad you want it or how much you try to sacrifice in the beginning they just don't come back from it. And at some point you have to stop trying to bail out their sinking ship & worry about your own.

Here's the thing their actions aren't lying. And for me taking his disrespect & unwillingness to put my feelings and heart as his priority and waiting for a magical reset almost an epiphany for him to change was an empty hope that kept me in a bad place. If you disrespect yourself & avoid your own feelings and try to push them
Away for the sake of the marriage then it's unlikely other people will respect your feelings. So please just make sure you're doing what's best for you.
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surviving
Let me put this bluntly:  Your WS is wrong!  He lied, he cheated, he is probably still seeing her, and he doesn't want to answer questions.  Well...he doesn't have a choice.  He needs to be straight with you.  He needs complete and I mean complete no contact.  He needs to be transparent with you (all passwords to all accounts, phones you where he is and who he is with, tells you where he is going and he better be there, etc.).  We just learned that calling from a cell phone doesn't tell you where he actually is.  My husband started calling from the office phone.  At least I know he arrived at work, even though he could have left seconds after hanging up with me.  You can ask any question you want, he needs to answer it.  He does have the privilege to say, "Do you really want the answer to that?"  And then YOU can decide, not him.  If you want the gory details, you are entitled to them - although they WILL give you nightmares and haunt you for months/years.  We are 23 months from DDay and I think he is finally being honest with me.  I just had knee replacement surgery, you never saw a more patient, helpful nurse in him.  You'd think he would have left me like he did before when I delivered his children.  I guess a pregnant, or nursing mother, isn't good enough for him.  I had all six of his children while he was screwing other women.  So, no, I don't feel sorry for your WS at all.  He earned this, not you!
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Kalmarjan
Joss wrote:
Ok so my ws spouse has recently said that he wants to work things out in our marriage. That he still see's potential But what is stoping him is that every time he comes over i bring his ap up and I bombar him with questions,about her and their relationship. I get where he is coming from and as much as i am tired of talking about it as well,I cant stop my self. Because i feel like i still dont have closure. He says that he has stoped talking to her. But I honestly don't believe him. And i do see him making baby steps toward us. I did tell him today that i wish he would have more transparency so i could star trusting him. And if he could be a little more understanding toward me I would greatly appreciate it. I guess my question is how can i allowed my self to tust him again? If im not completely sure he has stoped talking to his ap?


See, it's hard to stop obsessing, especially when your trust has been broken, and he is not making the moved to prove to you that he has committed to you.

Bottom line.

Did he block access to his Facebook (and whatsapp) from this woman?

Thing is, he SAYS he doesn't talk to her. Great. He worries that you don't believe him,and begrudge the fact.

Yet, he lied to you in the past. He came to your (figurative) house, crapped on your floor, stole everything inside, killed everything inside, then set the house on fire. (Again, figuratively.)

The onus on rebuilding is on the two of you, but he should be working HARD to regain that trust. He isn't owed anything.
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