Negarcia
Hello Everyone

It has been a very difficult journey so far. As most of you know my husband had/has been cheating for the past 3 years. I found out the day Christmas of 2016.  It was what I though, one of the worst days ever. Of course it was a year of the yo yo effect, telling me he wanted to work things out and then of course lying to me about it.  My 2 oldest found out and told him they never wanted to see him again if he was going to continue his affair.  He did, he picked her and they didn't see him for 5 months before he finally agreed to let go of his affair, of course I had told him I didn't want anything to do with him but promised me the world, of course things were going better but then he dropped a bomb on me, he saw her on 2 occasions and she got pregnant - he said she did it in purpose but I am pretty sure it was planned, since he promised her the world. Well fast forward to now, the baby was born on Monday, and he called me today that he wanted to tell our kids, I don't know how I feel about that.  I don't think they should be told now or maybe I am just afraid for how they will feel again, considering he was just beginning to restore the relationship with my girls, they are going to be devastated, I told my husband I don't want the kids to be around the AP at all and she told him she doesn't want me around the baby.  I am okay with that but I asked him why he thought now was the right time to tell them, but he doesn't know, he feels the need to tell them and he knows they will not like him at all.  I would like to be present when he tells them but he doesn't want me to be there. First, How would you approach telling the kids and I am going to put my foot down and tell him I need to be present when he is telling them. 
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Keepabuzz
I think it would depend on the kids ages for me. If they are adults, then I think they deserve to know. If he doesn’t tell them, then he would be seen as trying to hide it from them. Also if they are adults, I don’t see how you can stop him from telling them without you present. 

If if there are very young or young, I would say maybe tell them with them with the help of a therapist?
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Negarcia
Keepabuzz my girls are 11 and 9.  My boys are 6 & 1- so they might not fully understand.  I was also thinking about having him tell them in front of a therapist. 
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Keepabuzz
Negarcia wrote:
Keepabuzz my girls are 11 and 9.  My boys are 6 & 1- so they might not fully understand.  I was also thinking about having him tell them in front of a therapist. 


Im SO sorry for you and your children!!!  The innocent pay the price. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Ginger
So sorry you have this to bear as well.  I'd definitely say he gets little to no say whether you are present when they are told.   He gave up that right 3 years ago.
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anthropoidape
Negarcia wrote:
I am going to put my foot down and tell him I need to be present when he is telling them. 


Yes, this is an absolute given. In fact, if there's any risk of him telling them without you then you should probably get in first even if it is too soon or too hard. Because as sure as anything, he will f*** it up.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Negarcia
Thank you so much.  I am going to be present not matter what he says.  I have been their only support structure for a long time now that I don't think it would be wise for him to be alone and tell them. 
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Keepabuzz
Negarcia wrote:
Keepabuzz my girls are 11 and 9.  My boys are 6 & 1- so they might not fully understand.  I was also thinking about having him tell them in front of a therapist. 


Im SO sorry for you and your children!!!  The innocent pay the price.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Laurajean83
Negarcia, you are a strong and wise woman.   You are right to be there, and with a therapist.  And you are right to demand anything you want.  You may want to consider not letting the kids be with him alone until all this is dealt with.  He may say he isn't going to tell but then do it anyways...  I would keep him at a fairly long arms reach for now!  

Your story is heartbreaking, for you and your kids.  Hope this place can give you some strength and support to walk the very difficult road you have ahead.  
WW, Dday 7 months ago

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it.  Jer 17:9
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Negarcia
Laurajean83 wrote:
Negarcia, you are a strong and wise woman.   You are right to be there, and with a therapist.  And you are right to demand anything you want.  You may want to consider not letting the kids be with him alone until all this is dealt with.  He may say he isn't going to tell but then do it anyways...  I would keep him at a fairly long arms reach for now!  

Your story is heartbreaking, for you and your kids.  Hope this place can give you some strength and support to walk the very difficult road you have ahead.  


Thank you LauraJean

It has been such a tough road and I just really want some peace in my life.  I am not going to let him make these choices for me or my kids.  I told him he gave up that right and he blew up on me.  He tells me he wants help but realistically he doesn't he thinks I will fall into his manipulative ways again and I refuse. He is not ready to face what his actions and choices have caused, I am here for me and my kids.  I know that I have gained more strength and ready to move forward with out him.  
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Laurajean83
Although he is not the dad your kids deserve.  They have a mom that is not just strong, but learning and growing.  You are a light to those who do hear your story...  and will be a light to your children as well.  I hope and pray this situation goes as well as it can! 
WW, Dday 7 months ago

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it.  Jer 17:9
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Negarcia
Laurajean83 wrote:
Although he is not the dad your kids deserve.  They have a mom that is not just strong, but learning and growing.  You are a light to those who do hear your story...  and will be a light to your children as well.  I hope and pray this situation goes as well as it can! 


Thank you so much. You made me tear up, in a good way[smile] 
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UrbanExplorer
I think you are wise and doing a great job parenting, Negarcia.
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GingerHoneyBunny
OMG, they are so close to my children's age. I've got a girl going 9, a boy at 7 and another boy at 4.
They will know sooner or later, but kids have a great capacity for love and forgiveness, they may very accept their half sibling with a whole heart, but their relationship with their father will be entirely up to his effort and wisdom.
Male BS, D-Day 22th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think, cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
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Negarcia
UrbanExplorer wrote:
I think you are wise and doing a great job parenting, Negarcia.


Thank you Urban this is so hard I am just trying to do my best! 
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