AHmember68
Tomorrow mark the day I caught my husband red handed with AP a year ago. it was a painful journey since then. I have very little conversation with him recently and it's mainly business of life conversation. He still come back on weekend as usual and be the father. We will spend some family time and going to church on Sunday as if nothing happened. I believed he is fulfilling the needs in both parties or trying to redeem himself. He lived in a double life or I must say I don't know what kind of life he is living on week days, what I m sure is he is still with the AP.

I think enough of time waiting for him to want to save this marriage or leaving the AP, he is not going to leave her even after so many people has talked to him. I don't kniw how much time I should give him. I don't want to continue living this way anymore , I want to be healthy but his coming back every week pretending nothing happenes make me feel sick . I want to tell him I want to be separated and set some boundaries and eventually preparing myself for D day .. I want him to feel the natural consequences of his choices.. What kind of boundaries I should set or how can I tell him my intention to be separated or even divorce because he may refused to follow or listen. I am also tempted to file a divorce but I don't want to do it out of anger or emotion.
Appreciate your sharing.
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Tim2014
Well ah68 you're the one in charge! He can't continue to have his cake and eat it too! It's not good for you the kids or anyone! As you've read on nc is the only way he's ever going to wake up! It doesn't matter if he wants to hear the frank and forthright truth! If he doesn't change then he's the one going to lose! Right now it sounds like he doesn't have to choose because of what's going on! So that leaves you making the choices being strong and making yourself better! Like it has been said on here before it will work out but not always the way we want! I think you know what you need to do and stick with it! You need to get yourself in a more healthy condition! Sorry that you're dealing with this crap! What you're doing isn't out of anger or emotion , it's what has to happen!
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TimT
AHmember68 wrote:
...What kind of boundaries I should set or how can I tell him my intention to be separated or even divorce because he may refused to follow or listen. I am also tempted to file a divorce but I don't want to do it out of anger or emotion...

A year without change is a long time, certainly long enough to observe your husband's true intent. My encouragement would be to definitely establish separation. Whether or not that means divorce, or physical separation, or something different I cannot tell you; you will need to determine that for yourself. But the boundaries need to be certain and strong. 

Let me prepare you for a couple possibilities:

(1) You may quickly question your own decision and so go back on it. There are various internal and external pressures that keep some people stuck in this situation for a long time. The best thing you can do is find the people who will actively support you and rely on them through this process. Once you make this choice, you need to stick to it or he will not take you seriously.

(2) He may do all kinds of things to get you back again. Right now, he is in control. He has been able to do whatever he wants without fear of losing his marriage. Whatever benefit he gets from that (consequences of divorce, you are his "safety net" for if/when the affair runs out, financial security, whatever) has not been threatened because you are still around. If that is threatened, he may try to get things back to the way he wants. Some wayward spouses will threaten. Others will become sorrowful. Many will act as though they are finally "serious" about choosing their marriage only to go back to the affair once their spouse is back in the game again.

Once you make this step, make sure you do not go quickly back to your marriage. If he begins acting as though he has finally decided to choose you/marriage then you need to remain out of relationship with him long enough (weeks, at least) to be convinced that this is not a momentary shift. You will know if it is false if/when he becomes demanding, defensive, or starts blaming you for getting in the way of recovery. Don't give into any of that pressure. If he is REALLY changing, then what you will experience from him most of the time is a sense of humility, patience, and commitment to personal change.
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Dinomus
AHmember68
You definitely need to get a good support system around you. It helps to have people there reminding you of what is healthy and to focus on yourself. It will definitely be hard. I just started a nc rule with my ws and its been an emotional roller coaster. I feel unsure and vulnerable. But I know getting myself into a healthy space is important.

I truly hope things get better for you. As Tim2014 said it will work out even if its not what we want. I definitely believe this. You are going to be ok no matter what especially if you take the time to focus on yourself.

Thank you Tim2014 and TimT for reinforcing my choice of nc. I woke up this morning feeling lost and getting sucked into all the past scenarios and memories. This helped me get back to the present moment.
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Fionarob
AHmemeber68
I just wanted to add that although you are questioning your decision, you are probably not acting out of anger and emotion - you have had a year to consider this and you have probably read a lot of comments on the topic (in this forum and elsewhere) which all support that what you are doing is the right thing. 
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