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DorothyJane7
anthropoidape wrote:
In a way what it comes down to is - if she were with me for the right reasons, then this would all come on its own. I would not need to keep waiting and I would not need to prod her. If it doesn't all come on its own, then she isn't with me for the right reasons, and I am better off with a fresh start. Alone is fine.


I know you've heard this before, but I'm gonna belabor the topic and say it again ... I think relationship counseling would help you both a lot. 

It's time-consuming, can be expensive, and feels like a pain-in-the-butt - all true. But I disagree that "this would all come on its own" if only your wife felt the way you think she should. Communication is obviously one of your strong points, but people are all so different. Your wife might have battles within herself or communication barriers that you simply can't relate to. She might just not be able to figure out how to approach or act out her feelings.

I have found that specific "homework" exercises and being prompted by a third party has led to some epiphanies and, better yet, the use of communication tools and methods that my husband nor I realized before. It's taken several months of this counseling to be able to look back and appreciate those things.

So in this new plateau you're describing, maybe consider it.
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Laurajean83
Hey arthro, no real advice.  I really hope she takes the steps she needs to.  But it may be helpful not to think of her responding to your words, requests, and feelings as proding.   If your gonna do it together I think that is just communication and working together.  

That being said mostly I want you to find happiness and healing in whatever form that is for you.  
WW, Dday 7 months ago

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it.  Jer 17:9
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Sorry
I always find that updates on your situation make me wish that I could change them for you.

I still go by a recommendation of therapy or counselling. I am in love with my husband, I look forward to seeing him, spending time with him and our life that we have (re)built together.

It took two years of therapy, it was not easy but it was worth it.

And just for the record - he feels the same way. 😉
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anthropoidape
DorothyJane7 wrote:
I know you've heard this before, but I'm gonna belabor the topic and say it again ... I think relationship counseling would help you both a lot. 

It's time-consuming, can be expensive, and feels like a pain-in-the-butt - all true. But I disagree that "this would all come on its own" if only your wife felt the way you think she should. Communication is obviously one of your strong points, but people are all so different. Your wife might have battles within herself or communication barriers that you simply can't relate to. She might just not be able to figure out how to approach or act out her feelings.

I have found that specific "homework" exercises and being prompted by a third party has led to some epiphanies and, better yet, the use of communication tools and methods that my husband nor I realized before. It's taken several months of this counseling to be able to look back and appreciate those things.

So in this new plateau you're describing, maybe consider it.


The one thing she is clear about is that she will not do counselling. I have told her I think she needs it and we need it. I would settle for her doing some research and reading first. She isn't doing that either.

She has made changes, but the best I can guess is that she is in some kind of denial and thinks the best way forward is to put it all in (yet another) box and carry on that way. And that might indeed be the best thing from her point of view. I was absolutely amazed when I told her something she'd said just after d-day, and she didn't remember saying it. I believe she didn't remember it. If that is the case there may well be a whole lot more that she doesn't remember, not only things she said and did to me, but feelings. I don't know if this is right but it would explain why she thinks it can all just kind of blow over if she just keeps her head out of the firing line for long enough.

Maybe she is right that we can just box it up, but to me it seems that it is going to be necessary to deal head-on with some things. If there'd never been an affair then I would probably be feeling fantastic about where we are at. And I think she may think it is mostly about the sex, but that is in some ways the least of it. We have been together about 13.5 years now. For more than ten percent of that time, her main focus was deceiving me. Not just incidental lies but a serious, planned, organised project of deceiving me. Not just on her own but actually plotting with someone else to deceive me, devising ways to communicate that would not be traced. It consumed a huge amount of her energy when our children needed it and I needed it, and there were many occasions when it was obvious that I was being destroyed by the way she was behaving towards me even when I didn't know why. I just don't think that's something that can be boxed up and left in the attic. Even if it could in some logical way, it isn't emotionally possible for me to do that.

Thanks for saying communication is a strong point for me. It isn't really true in this context though. I can communicate I guess but it is starting on the subject that is hard. It's draining. And because it all needs to be dealt with but she won't deal with it, I am always the one spoiling the day if I do bring it up.


Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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anthropoidape
Sorry wrote:
I always find that updates on your situation make me wish that I could change them for you.

I still go by a recommendation of therapy or counselling. I am in love with my husband, I look forward to seeing him, spending time with him and our life that we have (re)built together.

It took two years of therapy, it was not easy but it was worth it.

And just for the record - he feels the same way. 😉


Thanks. Yes, that would be great.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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anthropoidape
I feel I should add... things have been nice. We are genuinely enjoying time together. If I could switch off all the painful stuff it would be a pretty good relationship. It is a bit like we are trying to build a new house on a former garbage dump site. We need to get the soil detoxified before we can build. We can't go straight to building.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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anthropoidape
Things have continued to be really nice. There is of course the shadow over it all, and my confidence is pretty limited. There are some specific issues from the affair and right after it that I am still struggling with and that I think would resolve pretty easily if my wife were able to confront our history head-on. In the meantime I have gone along with leaving it alone for a while, partly from exhaustion but more from a desire to live happily together so we can both be reminded of what it is that we are actually fighting for.

It is an interesting experience; I have had some really, really difficult periods. One was a day like any other when I simply got overloaded by three or four distinct memories. They are genuine problems and she needs to address them one day, but I just kept them to myself so we could continue to have a nice time. It was about a three-day low-point. The other was a few days ago when a similar thing happened, but with a more concrete outside trigger.

In the meantime, I have seen my wife happy and smiling much more than I have in ages and I really like seeing it. I love seeing it. And in the other direction, there's still a lot of rug-sweeping, but on the other hand I am starting to feel like I exist as an actual person to her again, which I imagine has been true for a while (it wasn't true during the affair, that's for sure) but hasn't felt real to me.

Anyway. I started some dialogue today about "us" and I want to talk more without it starting out as a fight or turning into a fight. And we are on some kind of path now, not necessarily the one prescribed by the experts but one that might work for us. Our kids are thriving and honestly, that means that in one sense things are good enough that I can't leave anyway.

I have used this thread to vent a lot and a lot of it might sound worse than it really is. I think I posted more on bad days than on good days.

I was thinking of leaving this site for a while but on reflection I've decided to just bring this thread to an end. I haven't felt like venting much for a while now. However it has helped me to talk through things with you guys and it has also been kind of therapeutic for me to feel like I have helped others.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Sorry
Well done for you.

You soon like you have reached a happy place.

Perhaps I could make a recommendation that you start your own "courses therapy" where you both agree to an hour slot each week where you would have gone to a private therapist (but I know you are against this) to sit down and discuss the hard stuff.

That way it's not sending under the Rug it is simply postphoning for a special time.
It has a similar effect to keeping the happy but recovery the sense of it bring a false superficial happiness which ignores the high issues.

Make it a safe space to be honest and alone. See up some ground rules like no name calling, no letting before the hour is up. But if it's hard you can sit together in since etc.
A therapist really does wonders on the faciliation aspect. And usually picks up on the real fundamental issues not the symptoms they cause.

Try it. My husband will often say "lets put a pin in this". It's a case of discussing this now will just frustrate us, lets leave it a while and discuss it later which inevitably becomes thursday.

He also prefers to avoid regular confrontation.
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anthropoidape
Sorry wrote:
You soon like you have reached a happy place..


Let's not get carried away! 😉
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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