Laxmi
Hi,


My husband has agreed to stayed together just for the sake of my 6 year child and may be for a baby who is going to be born in march. yes I am pregnant.
 
Me and my husband are college friends and are there for last 15 years together and married now for 10 years. We loved each other very much. But suddenly this chatting became too frequent. My husband did not wanted a second child, but I never forced him to have one. Yes I requested him a lot and he is saying I agreed because of your constant nagging. and that is what drifted me apart. If he would have said no, believe me I would have not proceeded with it. I thought he happily said yes.
 
He is having an affair or rather he chat for long with his friend of 10-12 years. They talk on whatsapp and phone. This is going on for last 6 months. I suspected it but he always said that it is as a friend. I knew this friend and I always believed him. But unfortunately things turned out the other way. He says that he has no commitment towards her. She knows that he is married and has children. His friend is a divorcee.
 
This is going since June 2015 I suppose and I came to know on 30th December 2015.
My husband is really a nice guy, I cannot even think he is doing something like that.

He told me he cannot leave us for the sake of the child. Whether he loves me or not he does not know. He accepted frankly, but he cares for the affair partner and love her. But he even told that he knew that there would be an end date to it.
 
I have actually used the letter to tell him that he has to decide whether he has to save the marriage till then I will concentrate on me and my childrens. The next day he said he wants to save the marraige for the childrens. At the current moment he has nothing for me. I told him that if you are coming you are for me and you need to stop all the communication with that girl. He is not ready for that. He clearly said that it might be possible that I start having feelings for you again. But I wont stop communicating with her as she is my friend. The only positive thing happened is atleast at home he is not continously chatting with her friend which was there earlier. Earlier he use to get up early and chat and even chat late night. Now atleast he is besides me. 
 
Before I came to know about the affair, he was showing some signs of feeling guilty and bad. He use to drop in home early at times, but the chatting was going on.
I am not sure what should be next step be. I really want to work this out but how. I want to save our marriage as I love him a lot. I do not want to break their friendship but unfortunately he is not understanding.
 
Hope to get some positive direction.
 
Thanks,
Laxmi
Quote 0 0
Anna26
Laxmi wrote:
Hi,


My husband has agreed to stayed together just for the sake of my 6 year child and may be for a baby who is going to be born in march. yes I am pregnant.
 
Me and my husband are college friends and are there for last 15 years together and married now for 10 years. We loved each other very much. But suddenly this chatting became too frequent. My husband did not wanted a second child, but I never forced him to have one. Yes I requested him a lot and he is saying I agreed because of your constant nagging. and that is what drifted me apart. If he would have said no, believe me I would have not proceeded with it. I thought he happily said yes.
 
He is having an affair or rather he chat for long with his friend of 10-12 years. They talk on whatsapp and phone. This is going on for last 6 months. I suspected it but he always said that it is as a friend. I knew this friend and I always believed him. But unfortunately things turned out the other way. He says that he has no commitment towards her. She knows that he is married and has children. His friend is a divorcee.
 
This is going since June 2015 I suppose and I came to know on 30th December 2015.
My husband is really a nice guy, I cannot even think he is doing something like that.

He told me he cannot leave us for the sake of the child. Whether he loves me or not he does not know. He accepted frankly, but he cares for the affair partner and love her. But he even told that he knew that there would be an end date to it.
 
I have actually used the letter to tell him that he has to decide whether he has to save the marriage till then I will concentrate on me and my childrens. The next day he said he wants to save the marraige for the childrens. At the current moment he has nothing for me. I told him that if you are coming you are for me and you need to stop all the communication with that girl. He is not ready for that. He clearly said that it might be possible that I start having feelings for you again. But I wont stop communicating with her as she is my friend. The only positive thing happened is atleast at home he is not continously chatting with her friend which was there earlier. Earlier he use to get up early and chat and even chat late night. Now atleast he is besides me. 
 
Before I came to know about the affair, he was showing some signs of feeling guilty and bad. He use to drop in home early at times, but the chatting was going on.
 
I do not know what should I do. Today I asked him to pick our son, he was so defending. He did not want to because I know he talks to her at that time. I was adamant that he has to do it. He picked and dropped our son home and went back to office to talk to her.
 
I am not sure what should be next step be. I really want to work this out but how. I want to save our marriage as I love him a lot. I do not want to break their friendship but unfortunately he is not understanding.
 
Hope to get some positive direction.
 
Thanks,
Laxmi



Hi Laxmi,

Firstly, I want to say how sorry I am that you are in this situation , like so many of us in this community.
I think that an affair can consist of so many different things.  It's not necessarily sexual or even physical in the sense that they are seeing each other.  But go with your gut feeling.  If it's telling you that this behaviour isn't appropriate, then it's something that you are uncomfortable with, and is not acceptable within your marriage.  It definitely would not be appropriate behaviour within my marriage either.
To become clear about his own feelings, he needs to stop communicating with her.  He will never be able to get any clarification of his feelings to either her or you, all the time he is insisting he will not stop talking to her.  That's why the no contact rule is so important. And you are right to insist that all communication stops. 
The wonderful feeling he gets from being in touch with her so much is fed by every little bit of contact.  It's like a drug and he is like the addict.  The fact that he didnt want to pick up your son because he normally spoke to her at that time, shows where his priorities lie at the moment.  It sounds to me like their 10-12 year friendship has now become something much stronger, which I'm sure you have realised.
Tell him what is and isn't acceptable to you, set your boundaries, and stick to them.  Hope this helps a little.
Quote 0 0
Laxmi
Thanks for your reply, Regarding the son pickup I was wrong. He had work really. But he did not tell me as he thought v will fight again. I told him I said I am trusting u so u should have told me , this creates more misunderstanding.

That's what I told him if he continues talking it would be difficult. But he bluntly told me that at current time, he just wants to save the marriage for son and nothing else.

He is actually a nice person by heart. Don't know why is he doing this.
Quote 0 0
Anna26
I know what you mean.  I would never have thought my husband would have done it either. Deep down there is a good person there. I don't even think it was a conscious decision to stray, more like he justified every little step closer to the other woman to himself.  It's okay because it's only a text, a coffee, a walk...then wham, they step over the line. 

My husband couldn't decide who was more important so we separated.  We are still apart but see each other quite often and we get on reasonably well.  For a long time he was living in a state of confusion, but I think he is beginning to realise that perhaps she wasn't everything he thought after all.  Only time will tell, and he's had plenty of that so far, but in the meantime, like you, I looked after myself and my kids, so come what may, I will be okay.

But things change all the time and what your husband is saying now may be very different in a few weeks time when the dust has settled more.  Above all, remember there is no rush to make any big decisions, time is on your side. You will be okay too.
Quote 0 0
Laxmi
Thanks Anna26. It helps a lot to hear some similar stories. Let's hope for the best.
Quote 0 0