canadien2499
Hello there;
So for now; Only my brother has full details regarding the affair and he is becoming very aggressive against me and pushing me to reveal the details to my parents and everybody else in our social group; and I am hesitant because the affair is stopped now and I want to move on.

He says that I need to bring consequences for my wife discretion and he can no longer stay quiet with me if I do not reveal the details to my parents.

Only problem is we share house with brother and parents; and at times my mom eardrops to hear our conflict that we are facing; Is this my responsibility to reveal affair?

Can I start affair recovery without opening the affair to everybody we know? Is this required? Can I leave everyone out of this affair conflict?

My brother is saying that I should give responsibility to my parents to fix my marriage as they are elders and they have better decision making skills; Yet, I find myself more understanding and compassionate toward my wife; There are certain thing we both have to work on to improve our marriage.
I do not wish to make my wife go through shame and disgrace by opening the affair details to my social group or the Parents, am I wrong?
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triplehooks
While it isn't your "job" to tell ANYONE, it isn't your "job" to keep it secret either.  As you well know -- especially in eastern cultures -- marriage is the merging of two families into one.  And counter to the cheater-protectionist/cheater-apologist garbage espoused by many arm chair quarterbacks, the crime of adultery is destructive to a HUGE number of people, not JUST the betrayed spouse.  And the crime isn't just what your spouse did to your WHOLE family, it's what her @$$hole AP did to them too.  And what your cheating wife did to HIS family too.

If you are part of a culture that assumes parental consent toward a marriage the betrayal impacts the parents who consented, siblings who are deeply hurt by the atrocity committed toward their loved one, friends who are invested in a relationship with both of you and your family as a unit, and on and on.  

You will find you are much more at peace with a stance of "it's not my problem if this 'secret' gets out, it's not my job to 'protect' this secret".  You are burdened with so much that was ALL involuntary and forced on you, and you were robbed of your agency.  To carry the weight of keeping it secret is not fair in the least.  

It helps to think of what happened in a predatory sexual offender type way.  If your child was molested by some pedophile, OF COURSE the pedophile would try to make them keep it secret.  Should your child keep that a secret?  Of course not!!  But the pedophile's method of continuing their perverse behavior is to hide in plain site.  This is the same with adulterers.  They ALL want to keep it secret, so they experience no consequences.  

I'm assuming from your comment in the other thread about "don't make it unbearable to look cousin in the eye" your spouse is twisting your arm to keep her secrets.  Sorry Canadien but that's just more bull$hit cheater behavior, trying to protect her perversion.  Don't service that. 
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UrbanExplorer
You can take this with a grain of salt because I was the WS, but I think my husband agrees with this: be careful who you tell. It's very important for you to have outlets you trust to support you through this time, and of course you don't need to lie to cover up for your wife. However, when affair information becomes widely known, it is very hard to decide on reconciliation and is especially hard on children (if you have them). There were a lot of people in my marital business after my affair who had no real stake in it. While my choices brought the whole mess on, it was absolutely none of their business and did nothing to help my husband. Your marriage is no one else's business.
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ThrivenotSurvive

At the end of the day Canadien, you need to do what is best for YOU.  If you don’t want people up in your business, don’t invite them.  If you need more support, or by them not know kin it makes you feel uncomfortable or like you are “ living a lie”, then tell them.  I don’t think your wife gets a say one way or the other.  

For me, I wear my emotions on my face.  Even if I had wanted to hide what was happening there was no chance I could hold up the subterfuge.  I also planned to divorce my husband until he gave me reason not to, therefore ALL our immediate family on both sides know.  

BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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hurting
You do not have to tell anyone that you don’t want to. It is entirely up to you, who you would like to inform. I would think long and hard about it before I made it public knowledge.

My parents knew. So did my husband’s parents. But that was a choice that I made. He had to tell his parents himself that he was a lying scumbag. He got to explain why I had left and what he had done. His mother was deeply ashamed of him. I was prepared to never have any contact with any of his family ever again. 

I disagree With your brother’s thought that your parents should guide you through this. They should do so only if you want them to. This is a deeply personal problem that you have, and although I’m sure they will mean well for you, unless they have been in the same position, they will not be able to understand what you are going through.
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Bgreen
Honestly, as a BS I decided to really limit who we told for exactly the reason that I didn’t want everyone else’s opinions and influence. We are a little more than two years out and in general I am glad with this decision to this day. This is your life and your marriage. It is not your brother’s story to tell. 
Female, BS 2 years post DDay
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GuyInPain
Canadien, I see you as being conflicted between two cultures.  Your birth culture (Indian or other Asian?) says that your marriage matters are family matters, as your brother suggests.  Your adopted culture (Canadian?) suggests that marriage is primarily between two people as individuals, not between two families, and that it is up to the two of you to resolve the issues raised by her adultery.

Your resistance to your brother's view suggests that you yourself are on the side of your adopted culture.  You are now living in your adopted culture, so the most prudent course for you, in my view, is to continue resisting your brother and keep your wife's adultery private.  That also happens to resonate with my own views and experience.

My wife's adultery was the most painful episode of any kind in my entire life.  Yet I have kept it private between her and me and have refrained from discussing it with any family members or with any friends.  Why?  Because I have always been committed to staying married to her; I have never considered divorce as an option.  Yes, I have been angry with her many, many times and have struggled with resentment, but I've also been committed to resolving the issues.  So I have talked with counselors, I have journaled, and I have prayed.  But I have not discussed it with family or friends, or with our children, because I did not want my wife's and my relationships with them to be distorted by how they might respond.  If the marriage had fallen apart, then I would feel free to discuss it with others.

You seem to be committed to your marriage, so I suggest that you keep it all as private as possible.  Privacy is not the same as secrecy.  We keep secrets from people who have a right to know, but we keep private those things that are appropriate only for ourselves.  Your complication is that you told your brother and now he is pressing you to tell other family members, which he feels he has a right to do because he is still firmly in your birth culture.  Try somehow to convince him not to do so, but if he decides to tell others himself then you'll just have to deal with the fallout.  There is also the matter of your cousin with whom the adultery occurred, and there will be fallout there as well.

I do hope you succeed in preventing the circle of knowledge from getting wider.  Your wife must agree to full disclosure, no contact with the cousin, and longterm counseling with you with a skilled therapist. 
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canadien2499
Thanks GuyInPain for your feedback;
This resonates with what I am feeling currently;
My Brother feels that we live with our parents and because of their wisdom and age we should share this information; But I feel they will not respect my wife or accept my Son if they come to find the complete truth. My Brother says that by hiding information I am disrespecting them and he says that I need tough love from my Social Group to stop accepting my wife digression.

My brother even as further as saying that my wife will not change and I should Divorce her; and this is where he is disconnecting from me as I am trying to Save my marriage and not end it.

Biggest hurdle for me is to do this Marriage Recovery program without making it public knowledge as that would pretty much make us outcast and we would no longer be able to get involved in social activities with our family friends.
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