Saoirse
I asked him to move all of his stuff to the spare room. In a text, which seemed to piss him off but Idc anymore. I don't want anything to do with him. I found (again) that's he lied to me. And he's still talking to her and most likely continuing the affair so I'm out.

I've been a SAHM (home schooling) for 17 years. I have no degree and no recent work experience, really. And I'm terrified.

I want to map out a plan like I've seen anthro suggest but need a map to map out, lol. I want to be sure I cover all the areas. So please lmk what things were on your map/list.

TIA
BS
D-Day 10-26-19
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hurting
Finances: 
- how you will manage (will you start looking for a job?) 
- research how the assets you own will be split and shared
- do you have funds that are not dependent on him?

Living arrangements:
- will you rent somewhere? If so, start looking into where you will rent and how much it will cost. 
- is it possible to just kick him out of the house so you can remain in the house given finances may be tricky? 

Legal:
- find a lawyer
- what are the divorce proceedings where you live?
- what will you be able to take in the divorce? A lawyer will best be able to advise you on this

How old are your kids? If they are still at home/young then how custody is shared will need to be taken into account.

I’m sure there’s more that I haven’t thought of, but it’s a start. 
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ThrivenotSurvive
Also be sure to collect as much proof of the affair as you can.  If marital assets have been spent on the AP (hotels, gifts, etc.) be sure to document it,  I suggest clicking on Triple Hooks emblem next to his name and it should take you to his profile with all his posts.  Scroll through them - I know that several times he laid out a fairly detailed plan to other users.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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triplehooks
First thing to keep in mind is you have to do all this in complete stealth mode.  While you are gray rocking your husband he will probably be running to OW for comfort.  Let him.  This will distract him and give you room to make your moves.  During this part of the journey its important to keep in mind you and hubby are no longer a team.  Sounds obvious but 25 years of love is a hard habit to break.

Money 1. (Assets)  
SAHMs often but not always play second fiddle on finances.  I'm going to assume since you said you were terrified that this may be a part of your situation.  So for you step one is get control of some money.  You're going to need money just to consult attorneys, get a storage unit (for valuables, records, physical evidence of adultery anything you don't want to go missing while you co-habitate).  Beyond, like, taking that first step and moving a few thousand from a joint account to a solo account (which you should do IMMEDIATELY so you can start chatting to attorneys), as I've said before, do a top to bottom review of your finances.  Don't be intimidated by this.  Assets MINUS debts = net worth.  Make a spreadsheet with three columns.  Add up ALL your joint assets: houses, cars, furniture, cash, stocks/bonds/mutual funds, retirement accounts, businesses, investment properties, collectibles (art, jewelry, stamps, football cards, antique dolls).  You get the idea.  Then, run your credit, run his credit and add up all your debts: mortgages, car loans, student loans, credit card debt.  Seems you've been together all your adult lives so I'll assume all the debt and assets you have you accumulated TOGETHER and there are no inheritances, or pre-existing debt or wealth you each brought into your marriage.  The trickiest part is ascertaining any business debt.  Hopefully you are a plain vanilla couple and he works a job but doesn't own a business so it will be relatively straight forward.  Once you figure it all out, do your best to sequester what you can of 50% of it and put it in solo accounts in your name.

I'm hoping you own your home.

For most people, their home has most of their wealth.  Pursue the fastest course toward divorce possible (that often means filing on grounds of adultery in fault states if your'e in one) so the house can be a source of liquidity for you.  The harsh reality is you probably won't be terribly financeable starting with ZERO income.  So, take a deep breath, prepare to take a step backward in your lifestyle, force the sale of the home as quickly as possible and get that liquidity as your start over fund.

*Life insurance asterisk: if you are the payor/owner of your own life insurance policy, REMOVE HIM AS BENEFICIARY, and skip straight to the kids, or whomever you want.  Consider setting up a trust and naming the trust as beneficiary and naming the kids beneficiaries of the trust.  This isn't as complicated or expensive as it sounds.  Also, consider using a pre-paid legal arrangement like mentioned below to finance this.

Money 2. (Income)
Longer term, you have to figure out how you're going to transition from SAHM to kick-a$$ earner, but you can totally do that.  If you have an entrepreneurial bone in your body I would highly recommend starting an INFORMATION BUSINESS.  It's the lowest investment required business to start.  There are membership sites about hobbies that charge $20-40 a month to belong.  500 members is 10-20,000 a MONTH in revenue (with pretty low overhead).  Think of something you are AMAZING at (say HOME SCHOOLING -- I'll bet you are a top 5% person in the world in this regard), and employ the LEAN start up method.  This is where you build your product/service WITH you customers, not BEFORE you sell it to them.  So, you could, for example: 

-run a facebook ad with some copywriting, expanding on the idea of "Sick of the horrible kids your children are exposed to at school?  Are they being totally changed by the bullying and peer pressure their classmates evince? Want to get started home schooling?  Join my Home Schooling 101 membership group where I will hold your hand and guide you step by step as you launch your kids into the wonderful world of independent learning and give them the confidence, character and charisma required to be life long learners and success in an ever changing world."  Post a little video of you so they see your face and hear your voice, it will quickly build trust and authority.  
-have a landing page viewers can click through to and watch a more detailed video you make that will expand on the idea of what you can offer them in terms of advice and counsel, curriculum and educational oversight skills, have datea capture fields for contact info, email address, credit card info.  Put up your price/subscription, a call to action button "Buy Now" or "Join Now" or "Make a Better Life for your Children Now" 
-deliver your content in either webinar form or facebook live.  There are many ways to do this.

That's just an example but illustration that "there is a way to make it in this world", and it's literally accessible to you in a few days time.  You can get started for less than $500.  There are a million free blogs and online resources to help you do this.  I'd be happy to PM you about that stuff also if you're interested, just reach out.  

This is my bottom line recommendation for SAHMs transitioning into the cold hard world of not having a provider, having to provide for themselves in the harsh adversarial aftermath of adultery.  Skip the whole get a degree and slowly earn your way out of poverty and MAYBE have a life someday.  No, MAKE YOUR LIFE NOW.  SEIZE YOUR POWER NOW.  EVERYONE KNOWS SOMETHING BETTER THAN A BUNCH OF OTHERS WHO WANT TO KNOW THAT.  This is your lifeline.

Legal
Consider signing up for a pre-paid legal plan, and get some free consults out of it and a subsidy on legal fees.  This is one but there are a couple others out there if you google around: https://www.unionplus.org/benefits/home/legal-help

You would have to join "Working America" which I think is just an email list/free to join.  With that membership you can join Union Plus and then get this awesome pre-paid legal plan for like $20-25 a month.  Can't remember if this particular plan has a great divorce legal fees benefit but there are others that may cover more.  Look around, but the pre-paid legal strategy generically may help. 

Most divorce attorneys charge a fee for the initial consult.  But "get an attorney" is a basic recommendation.  An A+ recommendation there is to break it down into the following steps: a) find the wealthiest divorcee you can access (male or female) and ask which attorneys they consulted and which they hired and if they felt they were well represented and why.  If they had a favorable settlement, perhaps better than expected then their attorney is a good target.  Contact that attorney as schedule a consult.  At the consult ask for their fiercest competitors names. Let them know you are savvy enough to know about "conflicting out" and you'd like to make sure your spouse does not have access to these attack dog attorneys.  Pay for a consult with all of them too.  Voila, they are conflicted out and CANNOT represent your husband.  That's a solid chess move right there.  

You want advice in two areas: the divorce, and any cause of action against husbands paramour.  

Again, as a SAHM your biggest problem will be money, and overcoming the gravity of a standing starting point to gain a reasonable lifestyle.  The assets you take out of that marriage will only last so long, so supplementing it with any judgments you can otherwise get off the paramour would be helpful to you.

**RANT WARNING** Reflect on this for a second folks: this SAHM devoting her LIFE to the kids she shares with her homewrecking husband and he is off f@cking his co-worker.  I will never not be SHOCKED by the selfishness of cheaters.  This $hithead husband, who is a grown A$$ man, thinks his little romancy feelings and ding-a-ling are more deserving of service than his wife and children.  I just will never get over/comprehend the selfishness of that. 

BEYOND THAT his homewrecking co-worker, who is literally TRASHING the world of this SAHM, from the comfort of her privledged, employed, earning status, just squatting and taking a massive DUMP on this woman and her children...How can these people live with themselves???**RANT OVER** 

You need to focus really hard on protecting yourself, securing your ability to support your kids, making sure you have time for yourself and your preparations for income generation (split custody may not be so bad in that regard), but also guarding the kids from a spouse who is an obvious $hithead and likely a terrible influence on them.  So, you need to go really hard at spousal support and child support.  There are outcomes that court processes will deliver which are based on PRECEDENT, and then there is the private negotiation you and your attorney can engineer based on LEVERAGE.  Consult your attorney and decide whether you have the leverage or not to pull off a superior outcome from private negotiation vs a court process.  For example if your husband is a flaming narc and VERY afraid of his mask slipping publicly he may be willing to agree to a sub optimal settlement (from his perspective) to avoid public embarrassment.  This will toggle back and forth based on what you have on him.  And remember if you were to attempt to extort someone randomly by saying "pay me XXX $ or I will reveal this to your [audience of any kind]", this would be considered criminal behavior.  However, when negotiating a settlement of this nature with the assistance of an attorney, this is not considered extortion or blackmail (although people form his side will use those words -- DO NOT FALL PREY TO THAT NONSENSE) it is merely doing your job of winning in an adversarial situation.  Do EVERYTHIG you can to win here, and DO NOT BE PUT OFF COURSE by voices that opine on this.  Remember that they do not have any skin in the game, but that this is literally life or death for you.  Those voices don't matter.

This is where that evidence comes in.  And it depends on the law of your state.  Hopefully you are in a fault state and hopefully adultery is grounds.  Where those things coincide, often the time to divorce is zero/immediate in those cases and this can be leveraged against an idealistic cheater not thinking this would ever end in divorce. 

So, try to leverage this embarrassing info against hubby for a disproportionate share of assets, and a better than average spousal support and child support package.   

So that addresses 2:3 of the things every divorce covers: asset split and income split/support.  The third piece is custody.

Custody
Steam of consciousness questions on this topic that may help:

How do you want to handle custody?  You have to think of a time split regime that makes sense for you and the kids.  How do you homeschool in a split custody arrangement?  How do you earn if your time is consumed homeschooling? 

Are you religious?  What holidays do you celebrate?  How will you integrate those into the time splits?  What are your vacationing habits?  Have you always done these as a family?  How will you do them going forward (recognizing luxuries like this go away where the financial damage is too great)?  And how do you structure a schedule to reflect that?

Then revisit your financial proposal.  Do they match up?  Do you have the support you need to execute for your kids considering the time split arrangement? 

Support Network
If you have supporting loved ones, anticipate leaning on them for help as you adjust to your new life, and get out front of that and solicit and build a committed team to help you.  You parents, aunties/uncles, your siblings, your friends...even your in-laws (if they are sane people), can all be constructive here.  Think about asking for outlandish favors, there will never again be a time like this to draw on these resources.  For example, my parents (who are BTW divorced) were BOTH willing to move where I am to help me transition out of this marriage and keep my kids in good support while I become spread thin over my businesses to support my kids and manage my parenting duties.  Point is PEOPLE MIGHT BE WILLING TO PULL UP STAKES AND MOVE TO LIVE NEAR YOU TO HELP.  That's huge.  Tap your network, and give them specific jobs.

Depending on your spouse's behavior you may need to have on call some trusted males (or females, but I lean toward having a "muscle" on call) to help with the specific job of protection.  While he is distracted with ho-worker this may not be an issue, but separation to divorce can take time, enough time for him to exit his affair and PANIC about the future, and use all forms of manipulation, intimidation and abuse to try to win you back or coerce you back.  Sometimes this turns into him showing up uninvited to your new dwelling and doing stupid or risky things.  Have a dude on call that is bigger and stronger than hubby, ready to throw down if necessary, and on speed dial on your phone.  Places you can find these guys include family, community, neighbors, church.

Social Network
Be ready for some ugliness in your social network.  People who will condone or at least look the other way at hubby's cheating.  Mercilessly cut these people from your life, at least in the early days.  You don't need anyone in your life that is anything but supportive of you.  Block on social media and in your contacts these folks, and block the mindblender factor that will slow you down, or freeze you in a vulnerable state.

Mindset
It's kind of implied, but a special section to call this out is merited.  This stage is completely adversarial.  You literally have to gear up for war.  Your husband is not thinking about what is fair for you, he is sticking an ice pick into your head, metaphorically.  He and his ho-worker are metaphircally laughing at you and $hitting on you and your kids right now.  Understand you are at war, and the war is for your survival.  Flip the switch.  Unleash you inner mama-bear.  See your husband, for now, as the enemy (and if you are in an alienation of affection state, see his ho-worker as your enemy too.  Grab your hammer, aim for her cranium, and swing!).  Fight a fair war but it is war nonetheless and the weaponry is deadly.  Take your 50% as soon as you can.  ABSOLUTELY round house kick him in the head in the cage match here and either leverage him privately or via the courts into a favorable settlement for you.  Sue the crap out of his homewrecker and take her money (she had no shame or hesitation in taking your husband) and build a new life...  Center yourself and your kids like you never have before.  I'm sure you are well acquainted with centering the kids, but yourself, if you are like many of us BSs, I doubt it.  Step out of your comfort zone here and be a bit selfish as you take a knife to your joint estate and carve it up to your advantage.    

If I can think of anything else I will absolutely push it your way.

Best of luck, and take care.
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Blessedby7
Good stuff. In our case he does own his own business.  How does that change things? I  also a SAHM homeschooling mom of 23 years.
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018, but major trigger dates are 10/5-10/7 (wedding anniversary) 
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triplehooks
Blessedby7 it just creates a wider range of expected outcomes.  It adds the complication that the business itself has its own balance sheet and to an extent that balance sheet transfers to his/your personal situation.  If he has his own business he is likely to be more savvy about raising money on the business and that can be abused in order to hide adultery theft/spending. It also can be abused in that it gives some separation to the tools of adultery like communication tools.  He may have a cell phone bill that is out of your reach via the business, in addition to bank accounts/credit cards/lines of credit on the business he can use to hide the money flows.  

In that case you talk to your attorney about how to put the business in the cross hairs, whether business accounts can be frozen as a part of your offensive (which would create an absolute state of emergency in his mind)...

this is part of why secrecy/stealth mode is so important.  They get a WHIFF you are about to make a move the FIRST thing they will do is move the money...
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Keepabuzz
I would add, “his” business is “marital property”, that makes at least 50% of it YOUR business!
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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triplehooks
OMG Blessed and saoirse, partner up and start a subscription based membership group called “how to strip your cheating husband of every nickel, then bury his a$$ in spousal and child support while building a life and gaining financial freedom as a homeschooling SAHM”. 
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Keepabuzz
triplehooks wrote:
OMG Blessed and saoirse, partner up and start a subscription based membership group called “how to strip your cheating husband of every nickel, then bury his a$$ in spousal and child support while building a life and gaining financial freedom as a homeschooling SAHM”. 


Exactly!
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Blessedby7
triplehooks wrote:
Blessedby7 it just creates a wider range of expected outcomes.  It adds the complication that the business itself has its own balance sheet and to an extent that balance sheet transfers to his/your personal situation.  If he has his own business he is likely to be more savvy about raising money on the business and that can be abused in order to hide adultery theft/spending. It also can be abused in that it gives some separation to the tools of adultery like communication tools.  He may have a cell phone bill that is out of your reach via the business, in addition to bank accounts/credit cards/lines of credit on the business he can use to hide the money flows.  

In that case you talk to your attorney about how to put the business in the cross hairs, whether business accounts can be frozen as a part of your offensive (which would create an absolute state of emergency in his mind)...

this is part of why secrecy/stealth mode is so important.  They get a WHIFF you are about to make a move the FIRST thing they will do is move the money...


Yeah, I'll have to be careful seeing as I won't have the money for an attorney until tax time. In the meantime, I'm contacting a marital therapist tomorrow with experience in infidelity. I really do think he wants to make this work, but he's so rooted in over a decade of this behavior that he doesn't even see it as wrong, or why it would be hurtful at this point. In the meantime I have a toddler and newborn to think about how to provide for, so I'll start working towards that end. 
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018, but major trigger dates are 10/5-10/7 (wedding anniversary) 
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Blessedby7
Keepabuzz wrote:
I would add, “his” business is “marital property”, that makes at least 50% of it YOUR business!


I guess I should be clear that his business really isn't terribly profitable. It grosses around $30 grand a year as it is. The rest of our income is VA disability. No way he'd be able to support two households. 
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018, but major trigger dates are 10/5-10/7 (wedding anniversary) 
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Blessedby7
triplehooks wrote:
OMG Blessed and saoirse, partner up and start a subscription based membership group called “how to strip your cheating husband of every nickel, then bury his a$$ in spousal and child support while building a life and gaining financial freedom as a homeschooling SAHM”. 


Now this is an idea. 😏  Time to put my research hat on. 
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018, but major trigger dates are 10/5-10/7 (wedding anniversary) 
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Saoirse
Now THATS A good business idea TripleHooks!!!
BS
D-Day 10-26-19
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Blessedby7
triplehooks wrote:
First thing to keep in mind is you have to do all this in complete stealth mode.  While you are gray rocking your husband he will probably be running to OW for comfort.  Let him.  This will distract him and give you room to make your moves.  During this part of the journey its important to keep in mind you and hubby are no longer a team.  Sounds obvious but 25 years of love is a hard habit to break.


So, things have changed in the last few days. I've found many more instances of him coming on to other women. I will be recording these over the next several days. I've not found evidence of any other actual affairs,  just the inappropriate texts. This is enough for me to see a pattern that I don't have any confidence in breaking. My question is, since I may not be able to do anything until January or February, how do I not show all my cards. He's already seen a huge change in my personality, he knows something is going on. To establish boundaries I will HAVE to share at least some of what I've found. He has never confessed to one shred more than I've confronted him with, never ever offered anything. Quite frankly, I want as much dirt now as I can get, but I don't know how to go about getting that. I have a feeling there is a lot on his phone, but I don't have the password to that. Obviously asking for the password again shows my hand. So what's the best way to go about that? 
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018, but major trigger dates are 10/5-10/7 (wedding anniversary) 
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triplehooks
Consult your attorney closely about this.

Be clear on what more evidence gets you: legal leverage? personal leverage?  something else?

Depending on where you live it may be helpful to have absolute and overwhelming proof.  Other places it just doesn't matter, except if your spouse is a total narc and concerned about preserving the longevity of their game...this can yield personal but not legal leverage.

I'm no expert in scraping phones for evidence but there are several options to consider.  Is it part of a family plan that you are owner or joint owner of?  Then he cannot argue you don't have legal right to the phone (I'm not giving you legal advice here but this is what my attorney shared with me).  If you cannot reverse engineer his password (his birthday? your anniversary?), consider hiding a camera where he takes a crap and record him unlocking it (they always flirt online in the bathroom).  Consider whether its possible to download his message history via a shared icloud account (or similar android setup) if you have family sharing or whatever.  You might also consider arranging a late night phone scan while he's sleeping if you can grab the phone but not unlock it.  There are services that can do things with the SIM card.  Other miscellaneous ideas: can you collude with a friend to steal it?  Can you buy him a new one for x-mas and straight "disappear" his old one "Yeah, I traded it in".  Any other rouse you can play on him to get it?

Look, there are many opinions out there about "invasion of privacy" in situations like these.  F@ck all that noise, those opinions are just flat WRONG in the case where you have a cheating spouse.  Their "right" to deceive you and hold you in place is no greater than your right to know the truth and escape abuse.  So F@ck him and his privacy.  He is fighting a war against you and he's fighting dirty.  Let him choke on his own dirty medicine.

Know your rights to record conversations based on whether you are in a one party or two party state.  See background here: http://www.dmlp.org/legal-guide/recording-phone-calls-and-conversations  and look up your state here: 
http://www.dmlp.org/legal-guide/state-law-recording.

You might attend some MC sessions he perceives as a trend toward reconciliation.  You might demand full disclosure.  You might record those conversations.  You might get something out of that, you might not.  When he stops short of what you already know, tell him you know he's full of $hit but not HOW you know or what you know.  If he SWEARS he's telling you everything, present an opportunity to prove it via POLYGRAPH.  If he refuses he's basically telling you he isn't telling the full truth.  He might scream and yell at that point about you should TRUST him blah blah blah but don't hold space for that noise.  Hold your ground, don't be gaslighted into capitulation.

I don't know if you've said anything about knowing who the person is he is/was screwing but getting that info is important and if they are married/involved with someone else establishing contact with the other side is important.  It removes control of the narrative from the cheaters and gives you plausible access to info that you either a) actually get or b) bluff as having.  ALL of that is a tool to crack their secrecy and obtain evidence.  Even if you establish contact with his accomplice you show some power and if you communicate independently he can NEVER know what you actually discussed.  She may tell you something or nothing, but you can use the direct contact to bluff.  Since they are liars and tell each other lies ALL THE TIME to maintain their stupid relationships, they know they are at risk of being lied to at ANY point.  If you contact her, she may report it, he will ask what she said, she may say she said nothing, the SECOND you say she said something else (perhaps not based on something she told you but something you learn from their texts, as an example, tell him SHE told you this) he will start thinking he may be getting played, trust between them might take a hit and you can start playing them off each other.  Devious...sure.  But do you want to win?  Or do you want to get treated like a doormat?  Watch some spy movies, they are great for ideas...  

Regarding the urge to "explain" your boundaries, consider this: he isn't explaining $hit to you, why do you owe him an explanation?  SILENCE is JUST FINE right here.  You are still behaving with responsibility and reciprocity as the organizing principle of your relationship, but he isn't offering that to you.  When you get an urge to be reciprocal in any way with him check yourself and remind yourself that while yes it is constructive in most relationships it is harmful to you here.     
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