seventy7
I am now 4.5 months post d-day. Her on/off 2 year affair ended about 18 months ago. Long story short, it started as an emotional attachment with a work colleague in a different state. They saw each other about 15 times over the course of 2 years. We were in a rut then, but I figured it was just typical bumps in the road for a couple that had been together for as long as we had (17 years).

Since D-day, we have had our ups and downs, which I expected, but lately we have had some really good times. We took a family vacation last week and didn’t bring up “the topic” often. Our conversations were more centered around communication, likes & dislikes, and just reconnecting all over again. Here is where I run into the problem...

Deep inside myself, I can feel myself falling in love with her all over again. I get butterflies In my stomach when I see her dressed up for dinner, I guess you can say she takes my breath away. She is extremely remorseful for the affair, and had done everything to help me heal...but I keep sabotaging the recovery. When I start to feel like this, I bring up the affair or try to trap her in a lie by making something up that I “found out” and try to get her to admit it. I don’t know why I am doing this. My therapist said it is normal after broken trust and trauma, but I just want to let her back in.

Has anyone else gone through these emotions? I feel like a crazy person sometimes.
Male BS
D-Day 11/1/2017
It gets easier as time goes, but the pain never goes away
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Damaged
At 4.5 months your doing a lot better than I did. I was barely functional for about the first 6-12 months. I did manage to work ok but I was a mess emotionally at home. You really need to give yourself a break. You have experienced a major trauma. Like many of us here I would describe my experience as PTSD. Know that you will have lots of ups and downs. It has taken me 1.5 years to start to feel somewhat normal again. Be kind  to yourself!
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GingerHoneyBunny
At about that same time point, I too was also very eager to love again and forgive. Until there were more revelations and I realized there were so much lies and the affair was so deep. Before these new disclosures, I have made boundaries in my heart that I would not tolerate. Turns out the new disclosures showed she already crossed all my boundaries. So, now I'm just totally given up and divorce seems imminent. An 18 month affair is not easy to get over. I fear you may be too eager to forgive and get on with it. But, be kind to yourself 1st.you need time to process this. And there may be even more secrets. You need time to really decide why you are staying or not. I still think I'm a pretty big mess in my head at this stage. Many people here have said that it takes about 1 year to really get your head back together. So I guess take it slow and easy. Not to rush too quickly into forgiveness. The feeling you feel now of wanting to love her again may just be temporary as we are at the stage of wanting to regain the relationship. But, later on you may realize there is not much to regain and you may change your perspective about staying or leaving. 
Male BS, D-Day 22th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think, cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
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anthropoidape
I would say that's all well within the bounds of normal exactly as your therapist says.

For a while I had a very conscious practice of texting or saying something positive or true like "I love you" when I felt the negative feelings taking over. My feeling was that both the positive and negative feelings were genuine so it was a case of choosing which to communicate. 

You are still very close to d-day and it would be weird if you weren't a bit of a mess, so I think you should just do your best and not be too hard on yourself.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Keepabuzz
I didn’t even begin to feel any better until after the 1 year mark after my wife’s confession. I think you are doing MUCH better than I was at that stage. 

My wife did just about everything right after d-day. I questioned everything. I questioned everything for a very long time. I’m 2.5 years out now, and I still question things, just not very often. 

You have been through an extremely traumatic experience, and your still traumatized. I felt like a crazy person well into year 2. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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MITM
Damaged wrote:
At 4.5 months your doing a lot better than I did. I was barely functional for about the first 6-12 months. I did manage to work ok but I was a mess emotionally at home. You really need to give yourself a break. You have experienced a major trauma. Like many of us here I would describe my experience as PTSD. Know that you will have lots of ups and downs. It has taken me 1.5 years to start to feel somewhat normal again. Be kind  to yourself!

Quite correct - it basically is PTSD.
Male BS
D-Day Jan 2018
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Jennifer
Seventy7,

As the others mentioned this is normal after what you have gone through. This is still pretty early for you but if your wife has been 100% committed to recovery then that may be why you are here earlier than most.

Most often, even when things are going "good" after DDay, the betrayed spouse fears that if they move on then that means it was ok what happened or that the WS will forget the pain they caused. These are real and valid fears and that is why the need to bring up the affair or what happened pops up. It could also be there are unanswered questions or concerns still lingering.

Either way, continue to focus on yourself and your healing as you go through these ups and downs. That is what is most important.
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MITM
Man, how I wish my WS would commit to something. Way too early for that, presumably.
Male BS
D-Day Jan 2018
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Keepabuzz
MattInTheMountains wrote:
Man, how I wish my WS would commit to something. Way too early for that, presumably.


If my wife had been unable to make a decision, I would have made it for her....
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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MITM
Keepabuzz wrote:


If my wife had been unable to make a decision, I would have made it for her....

Some of it comes down to things like local law. Where I am, for example, you can't actually start divorce proceedings until you've been separated for a year or more. Same goes with selling the house.

In a way, I kind of get the wisdom of that - during an affair, or where it's starting to tail off (which might be where things are at with my WS - hard to tell, but I'm getting a hint or two), the WS says or does things that are just pure cr*p. And the BS responds with desperate, cornered, fight-or-flight emotions. And it's all awful. And nobody's very good at making rational decisions with all that going on. Especially not large, important, hard-to-reverse ones.
Male BS
D-Day Jan 2018
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Keepabuzz
MattInTheMountains wrote:

Some of it comes down to things like local law. Where I am, for example, you can't actually start divorce proceedings until you've been separated for a year or more. Same goes with selling the house.

In a way, I kind of get the wisdom of that - during an affair, or where it's starting to tail off (which might be where things are at with my WS - hard to tell, but I'm getting a hint or two), the WS says or does things that are just pure cr*p. And the BS responds with desperate, cornered, fight-or-flight emotions. And it's all awful. And nobody's very good at making rational decisions with all that going on. Especially not large, important, hard-to-reverse ones.


I know what you’re saying. I’m saying the required separation would have started immediately. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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MITM
Keepabuzz wrote:


I know what you’re saying. I’m saying the required separation would have started immediately. 

Oh, definitely. In my case, the issue was that this was gradually revealed to me over a period of months, and I didn't fully realise how bad it had become until about a month ago.
Male BS
D-Day Jan 2018
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hurting
Seventy7, I think what you’re going through as others have said is pretty normal...

You and I are on a fairly similar timeframe. The only difference is, your WS’s affair ended before d-day... my WS’s affair lasted about 2 years too and was also long distance. I think they met maybe 5x... but that number doesn’t really seem to change much.

I do the same thing. I confront my WS with things that I ‘know’ he did. And I insist upon them. My mind tells me he must’ve done these things... 

Like Jennifer said, I think it is partly because I feel like I ‘dont have the whole story’. Now when I’m not in that state, I actually think I PROBABLY have most of it. In fact, I probably have as much as I need to or want to know. Yet when I get worked up, these things come to mind and I cannot be convinced otherwise...

when I’m sitting here now trying to analyse what is going on inside my head... I feel like this is because I had to ‘find out’ a lot of things myself in the first 1-2 months. I was subjected to trickle truth. I found out a lot of the most important bits of information myself. I did warn my WS many times of the harm of continuing to lie to me... but of course, his head was too far up his ass to see it no matter how much he insisted he was being honest. 

That has seriously hindered my ability to even start to trust him again. I’m always looking for the next piece of information that I need to ‘find out’. I don’t actually think he’s necessarily lying to me any more... (or I could be wrong. Who knows? Cheaters are liars by definition). But trickle truth has certainly left its mark. And set me back by many many months. 

He is doing everything ‘right’ now. But what’s done is done. I cannot help but feel I have to ‘find out’ information for myself- no matter what he has revealed since willingly.
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