Virtual
I read and reread about no contact and I crave that in my situation. My H is his AP's supervisor. I know-it's wrong in every sense of the way and he does too. He has worked at this job for 20 years and has been looking for other work to no avail. He loves his job and would love to stay in the company but they are restructuring and a move within is risky. She was also looking for a change within the company until this restructuring thing halted a good option. He is 50 years old so I get that jobs are hard to find. In the 10 weeks since DDay he has made good steps at trying to keep his distance from his AP but I am still very anxious about things being rekindled. He limits meetings to phone ones or group ones so they aren't alone together. He tells me he is fully committed to us and doesn't want her and never loved her. They did have a 3-5 month emotional connection with sex during a weeklong work trip (so cliche that it kills me, yet I never saw it coming). Travel has stopped and he has been very clearly doing everything else 'right'. My question is how long can this limited contact work? Am I supposed to keep waiting and hope for a job change? Giving him an ultimatum of the job or me is something I feel would also destroy us because in the end won't he resent me for that?
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Heidi
Hi virtual, I'm so sorry to hear of your pain, and that its compounded by the fact your WS still works with the AP. I was in a similar situation last year. My WS wasn't her supervisor, but they worked in the same team and he was senior to her. From the start I made it clear that this want a situation I could live with in the long term, but it still took 10 months for him to move into another job. And if I'm honest, those 10 months put a huge amount of stress on me and our marriage. Knowing he would be seeing her every day, even if he was promising it was over, was unbearable. And all that time he was applying for jobs and not getting them.

In the end I had enough. I told him I couldn't take the stress any more, and that he should move out until he found a new job. That day he went to his boss, threw himself on their mercy, and they came to an agreement that he work from home until he found a transfer. Two months after that he was in a new job, and I have to say that's when the real healing started.

I get the feeling you are between a rock and a hard place, and the frustrating thing is it's not your fault. I can remember thiking 'why didn't he see this would happen?' It doesn't take a genius, does it? But the past can't be changed, so you have to face the future.

I like that your husband is trying to make you comfortable with the situation. Mine tried to do the same. Lots of phone calls / emails during the work day, a call to let me know when he was leaving / when he'd be home. Printing out his daily calendar so I'd know when he was in meetings and wouldn't be able to answer his phone. And of course he kept applying for jobs and going for interviews, to show his commitment to make changes.

If you're going to remain in this relationship until he finds a new role, could you sit down together and work out what he needs to do in order to lessen the stress on you? I'm not sure if you're in marriage counselling or not, but this also helped us to focus on positive steps to work together. Try to be honest with him, tell him how much it's hurting, brainstorm ideas that might help.

But in the end, I think he will need to move jobs to make you feel truly safe, and the sooner he can do this the better. Unless he knows how painful it is, he's going to get comfortable and assume things are okay with you. So keep communicating that they aren't!
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Virtual
Your comments were helpful. Thank you for understanding and responding. That's exactly what I am worried about....that he'll get comfortable and stop the job search and rekindle things with her. Even though he says that will never happen, what evidence do I have? He strayed once, it could happen again, especially since she is around and didn't want it to end. Do I see him making a real effort, yes. Had he been faithful for 30 years, yes. Have we sat down and discussed my feelings (and his) about how to handle their contact, yes. While it has helped some, My mistrust is still there. I asked him about letting his boss know what happened (so they can be separated) and he said that it would be brought to human resources and the company would fire them both. He said he would do the same if one of his staff brought a similar thing to him. Do companies really do that? No doubt he's worried that not only would he be fired, but having this incident would prevent him from getting a job elsewhere. Thoughts??
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Dirazz
I'm not sure where you live but most HR departments aren't allowed to say why a person left. It's illegal. I found out on a Sunday afternoon and told my husband that I did not want him working there with her another minute. He went to HR at 8am the next day and quit effective immediately. He told them the truth of what happened and that it happened at their place of employment. The OW told HR that it didn't happen at work. Because she didn't want to lose her job. My husband didn't care about his job at the time. He only cared about making his wrongs right. It's was pretty scary that his managers we trying to get him to stay despite him breaking company policy. Telling him to retract his resignation because nobody could prove they did it in the parking lot. And saying don't quit because your wife is making you. And you'll ruin your career. He was working at another place that night. So it's not always the case.
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Keepabuzz
I know this is an older thread, but I want to really commend you all that were strong enough to endure this torture, of them still seeing each other everyday at work. I was lucky (if that is possible, sounds weird typing that) I'm the bread winner my wife was a stay at home mom for 15 years, and when she went back to work at a local clothing retail store, mostly just for something to do. She was screwing a college aged coworker within a month. When she came clean and confessed after it was over (6 month affair), I told her to quit immeadiatly, not up for discussion. You can quit, or find another place to live. She quit the next day. I can't imagine her seeing him everyday. I'm sure I would have left, I couldn't have dealt with it. You are all VERY strong!
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Virtual
Thanks Keepabuzz. There are times I don't feel very strong, even now. Fortunately my H has gotten a new role in the company so they no longer work together. Ironically it all worked out well for his AP as she got his job and a sizable promotion. That really annoys me. They still work in the same building of about 2000 workers but he says they don't see each other and says he tells me when and if they pass. It's still a concern in the back of my head but a relief that they aren't in contact regularly. My H continues to make a genuine effort in improving us and giving me the reassurance I need. Are things perfect? Not really but mainly because in the back of my head this happened and I didn't see it coming. I never thought he was capable of it and deception. We are headed into the time of the year their attraction and the A began (mid September) and I worry how I will feel. There are so many potential triggers that come with that time of the year...birthdays, holidays, and vacations that I'm a bit anxious about it.
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