Browneyedgirl_1990 Show full post »
ALRUI
surviving wrote:
I sure wanted to know everything.  I wish I could get deleted texts and emails from hotmail, but he deleted his account, so I don't think there is a chance of getting them.  I would love to have ALL the truth, not just the trickle truth that I have received.  How am I to know when the whole truth is out?  I probably will never know.


You wont truly "know" either way, all you'll do is obsess over details that probably are irrelevant. I still have a typed LONG list of questions that I at a certain point stopped adding to and decided not to ask as in reality does it really matter? Again, you may hear or see things you cant un-hear or un-see....
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Laurajean83
As a WS,  I am so so glad all my messages are gone and deleted (minus intense or expensive recovery).  I not only don't want to see them again,  they would take me to a bad place.  Plus now that I am living in the reality side of the affair....   having my husband read them would be soul crushing.   I thank God for deleted messages he never needed to read! 
WW, Dday 7 months ago

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it.  Jer 17:9
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Browneyedgirl_1990
If you dont mind my asking As a ws when you think of your ap what emotions are you feeling?

My husband gets very uncomfortable when I bring her up or try to talk about what happened.  He says he never wants to hear her name again, never wants to say it and never wants to think of her again.  He says he wants that part of his life to be over forever.  I'm not sure how to take this.  Is it only because he feels shame from being manipulated? Or he doesn't want temptation?

Hubby is a terrible communicator and I am an anxious and insecure overthinker.  This is no good.
B.S. 
Sexual affair
Married 5.5 yrs
Affair 10/14/17- 11/4/17 
Dday 11/10/17
Welcomed 2nd daughter 12/13/17
I was 32 weeks pregnant
OW was my closest FRIEND
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Laurajean83
As a WS my feelings towards my APs were very all over the map and now still vary a bit but to a less extreme degree

(my story is pretty screwed up so I don't know if much would be comparable.  I posted it earlier if you need context. Nor would I ever wanna imply that how I felt is what others would feel)

If he felt seduced, or used or lied to by the AP he probably has pretty bad feelings towards her.  And that sounds like what he his communicating.  

I struggled for a while at thinking negatively towards them.  I wanted to protect them from the wrath of my husband initially  (I know...  so messed up.  I see why now).  Even the one that really used me the worst and was really quite mean to me after.  Now I confidently have a 'f*ck you ' attitude towards the first two.  I imagine that is what your husband feels.  However with the AP that I connected with more emotionally, although I would say I don't think of him positively I don't have the same feelings of anger and hate. I try to, I am working on that.  

Maybe that's helpful.  
WW, Dday 7 months ago

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it.  Jer 17:9
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Trinity
Browneyedgirl_1990 wrote:
My husband gets very uncomfortable when I bring her up or try to talk about what happened.  He says he never wants to hear her name again, never wants to say it and never wants to think of her again.  He says he wants that part of his life to be over forever.  I'm not sure how to take this.  Is it only because he feels shame from being manipulated? Or he doesn't want temptation?

Hubby is a terrible communicator and I am an anxious and insecure overthinker.  This is no good.


You husband and mine sound exactly the same !!!!!!!!  What you have written here is almost word for word what my husband has said to me.  In a weird way I kind of find it comforting knowing that my husband isn't spewing a bunch of Sh*t to me.  I was kind of unsure of how to take it as well but honestly, I think it is exactly that..... they don't want it to be brought up because .....  the grass was not greener, may have even been more like poison ivy then grass. 
My husband says he could care less about her and does not want to hear her name brought up ever again.  Guess she was NOT all that.  😉  That's how I look at it.

"T" 
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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Browneyedgirl_1990
In the instance of my husband--who is by definition a perfectionist--
I also realize he doesn't want to think of her at all because she reminds him of his shame and how he fell from grace.  Thinking of her makes him feel negative about himself.  He seems to be having a harder time coming to grips with the idea that he isn't the goldenboy I married than I am.
B.S. 
Sexual affair
Married 5.5 yrs
Affair 10/14/17- 11/4/17 
Dday 11/10/17
Welcomed 2nd daughter 12/13/17
I was 32 weeks pregnant
OW was my closest FRIEND
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Trinity
Browneyedgirl_1990 wrote:
In the instance of my husband--who is by definition a perfectionist--
I also realize he doesn't want to think of her at all because she reminds him of his shame and how he fell from grace.  Thinking of her makes him feel negative about himself.  He seems to be having a harder time coming to grips with the idea that he isn't the goldenboy I married than I am.

I agree 100%.  I think for my husband it is the same.... coming to realize that he is not the man that could live up to the status that I adored.  I completely adored my husband !!!  NOW.... well, you know [frown] 
I understand where you are coming from.
"T" 
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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Browneyedgirl_1990
YES! I thought he hung the moon before this happened!! So I think we are both mourning that.  If I'm Being honest I am STILL struggling with the reality that it happened and he did it. Twice.

The emotions with this are so back and forth it's unreal. 
B.S. 
Sexual affair
Married 5.5 yrs
Affair 10/14/17- 11/4/17 
Dday 11/10/17
Welcomed 2nd daughter 12/13/17
I was 32 weeks pregnant
OW was my closest FRIEND
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Trinity
Browneyedgirl_1990 wrote:
YES! I thought he hung the moon before this happened!! So I think we are both mourning that.  If I'm Being honest I am STILL struggling with the reality that it happened and he did it. Twice.

The emotions with this are so back and forth it's unreal. 

I completely understand.  I would have bet my life that my husband would NEVER ever cheat on me, I would have bet everything I had ........  now I would give everything that I have to have it never have happened.  It is an EVIL and wicked thing!!  

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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anthropoidape
Trinity wrote:
I completely understand.  I would have bet my life that my husband would NEVER ever cheat on me, I would have bet everything I had ........ 


Me too. I would have been totally confident in that bet. I never knew anyone whose honesty I trusted in so completely. I didn't think she was perfect, not at all, but my confidence in her honesty was complete. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Browneyedgirl_1990
anthropoidape wrote:

I didn't think she was perfect, not at all, but my confidence in her honesty was complete. 


Yes this exactly. I want to get that back.  Considering this is the only lie he's ever told me I believe I CAN.  But he's still in this weird depressed/ahsamed/overwhelmed crazy state of mind that he was in when he strayed.  I feel like once he comes out of that it will be smooth sailing.  But at any given moment I feel like he's 1 step away from a mental breakdown(again)
This indiscretion was a symptom of a much bigger problem but it was a HUGE setback in rectifying his issues.  Like throwing gasoline to put out a fire.....
B.S. 
Sexual affair
Married 5.5 yrs
Affair 10/14/17- 11/4/17 
Dday 11/10/17
Welcomed 2nd daughter 12/13/17
I was 32 weeks pregnant
OW was my closest FRIEND
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Laurajean83
Some of the 'safety' in their minds probably stemmed from the idea that nothing would happen.  That they could control all this.  

This is how I felt anyways.  

Now I am haunted most by the pain I have caused, but also deeply by how my husband's perception of me is now so so skewed.  I am desperate to regain some of the high regard he had of me.  
WW, Dday 7 months ago

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it.  Jer 17:9
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Trinity
I think that when a lover/spouse/etc. entrusts their heart to you; you become a steward of that gift.  
I am saddened that finding a decent and trusting steward is burdensome.  

Gaining back the trust is multi layered.  DO I trust my husband to pay the bills...YES,  to go to work and get a paycheck.... YES, to mow the lawn and shovel snow....YES,  to be a good steward of my heart and soul...... NO !!!   He had that very important task and F-ed it up royally x100000.  Can he get that back..... eventually, but when such disregard is blatant AND your bleeding and barely beating heart is thrown directly in you shocked face, well......  that may take some time AND surely a lot of work.  It can be overcome.  

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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ALRUI
anthropoidape wrote:


Me too. I would have been totally confident in that bet. I never knew anyone whose honesty I trusted in so completely. I didn't think she was perfect, not at all, but my confidence in her honesty was complete. 


Same here, nobody in the world would have believed my WS was capable of such behaviour & yet she was.
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iris0906
Browneyedgirl_1990 wrote:
YES! I thought he hung the moon before this happened!! So I think we are both mourning that.  If I'm Being honest I am STILL struggling with the reality that it happened and he did it. Twice.

The emotions with this are so back and forth it's unreal. 


I am reading all your posts and suddenly I don't feel so alone. I went to other forums that were so angry and vengeful. Then those that put all the blame on themselves. I find both too extreme. 
This never mentioning the OW is exactly like my husband. I adored him, too. Until the 1st affair happened. Then I went back to adoring him then the 2nd one happened.
I also still can't believe this is happening...
What made you stay?
What made the rest stay?
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