a few weeks ago I learned that my wife (of 10 years) is having an affair. Been having a suspicion for some time, and now have evidence of an emotional and sexual affair. She doesn't yet know that I know, and I'm planning to confront her with the evidence. In general I am very afraid of asking questions that could drive her further away, but at the same time not coming across as if "nothing happened" and not driving towards some closure (ie being stuck in "give me some time").
In essence, I'd like our marriage to recover over time, and set the confrontation up in a way that allows her to come clean and perhaps back to me.
I take some blame in our relationship getting this way; when I felt that she was slipping away, I tried to get more control over her. This only pushed her away. (Yes, textbook error... wish i knew better then). I am struggling with the guilt of that, and how this should come into the discussion. Am I the guilty one?
Over the past few days, we've had some herat2heart conversations about our problems, and she says that she's not seeking or thinking of a divorce, that yes we are at a low, and that with time things should heal. There is hope. Overall I'd say that these were good and positive conversations, with some tears shed on both sides, no fights or anger or nerves. I however gently inquired about whether she's seeing anyone else, which she categorically denied. Now, given that she's not honest in that, I don't know whether she's honest in pretty much everything else she said. How should I take her statements so far? (What's a lie and what's not?)
At my behest we have engaged a professional counselor. I wanted to do that many months ago, when problems became more pronounced, but at that time she said we don't need it. Worryingly, she says now that our problems aren't huge, and that she doubts if counseling will help - instead she says that we have to put effort and allow time. This also has me concerned, that maybe she already made up her mind internally (to break up), but can't make up her mind on telling me; for fear of hurting me? hurting the kids? the "whatever" it is that hasn't made her leave yet. I of course imagine that her saying "I'm out, that's it" may be an outcome of our confrontation chat... Finding it hard to face that. But yet, I'm hopeful in the "whatever", which I don't know, or is it better not to be this naive at this stage?
Any and all advice is welcome.