Paw Show full post »
Greyes128
Our anniversary was yesterday, I'm the betrayed spouse in our story. I decided to take the day off and spoil myself, I had my hair and nails done, did some errands and generally just kept busy. My husband and I met for breakfast and lunch. Our lunch was incredibly romantic and I realized right then we were claiming our day back. He picked up take out for dinner and we had a picnic on our patio by the pond. We laughed, talked, and threw in some kisses too. It was a great day and we are continuing our celebration throughout the weekend and Monday. He said why not it's our anniversary we can and will do whatever we want. We were going to exchange new rings but we decided together we aren't there yet. We will get there eventually but we don't want to rush it. We did plan our second honeymoon though for next year on our anniversary. I hope all of you can rewrite your anniversaries and make new memories.
Quote 2 0
Susan_NLTR
Dear all
Just wanted to give an update on how my anniversary went (last saturday). I woke up early and went for a long walk, was back at home after 9. And basically kept myself busy whole day. My husband stayed in bed most of the day. In the afternoon we talked a bit, I asked him some questions about how much he communicated with his AP last year during our anniversary and what his motifs were to do this. But he could not remember anything. I had been counting the hours and finally the day was our. No fights, no hard talks. So all in all (though I can imagine it sounds all very negative) I was happy with how it went. The next day I was much more relaxed. And my husband is really nice to me these days. He never mentions any subject around the affair, would very much like to go on as if our lives are very normal. I think he needs time to understand that this is not the solution. Anyways: I am very happy that he is so caring majority of the days.

Last but least: A big thank you for your support last week....
Quote 2 0
Lookingahead
Susan, I'm happy to hear you enjoyed your anniversary. I still fear how I will feel when mine comes around. Surprisingly, we celebrated Valentine's Day and I enjoyed it, but I think it's because he was not having an affair at that time last year so I didn't associate the two. He thinks it will be okay because he didn't talk to her or see her on the day of. However, he was still having an affair and he was with her two days after so I will definitely be anxious about it when the time comes. 
Quote 0 0
cows13
First off we really don't celebrate our anniversary, except the big ones. 5 years, 10 years, should have been 20 years. Usually we just go out to dinner, nothing special. Which may be one of our problems.

My husband was having his affair during our 20th wedding anniversary which I didn't know was going on until 2 1/2 months later. Worst week of my life. That is one of the things that has hurt me the most. My daughters birthday was non existent because my son was leaving for bootcamp. My son left for bootcamp and my husband didn't want to be with his family, he wanted to be with her. (I found that out in their texts) Then 2 days later is our anniversary, which he really could have cared less about because he wasn't wanting to be with me. He wanted to be with her. Then 3 days later he went camping for the weekend to clear his head and such, which I found out she went with. Now we are selling out camper because I can not stand to be anywhere near it. He really doesn't understand why. 

So he met with her that morning of our anniversary and was texting and calling her all morning before I even got a good morning or Happy Anniversary. (I actually end up getting their texts from her ex husband, which I know isn't always a good thing but I was able to see what was said.) Oh, I love you... I can't wait to be with you... Thank you for this morning, then her texting about how worried she was that he was going to have to perform that night because  they had had sex that morning. Like I said he could have cared less to be with me at all during that time frame. I don't think we really celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary because he was having his affair for most of our 19th year. I do not wear my anniversary ring he gave me. I have worn it a few times early on but I don't want to wear it right now. I almost feel like this last year didn't exist in our 20 years. I know this wasn't really much help and I am sorry. I hope you are able to get some guidance and help here.
Quote 0 0
gamm3000
Adventures in recovery. Yesterday (May 17) was our anniversary. That is it would have been our 42nd anniversary if we hadn't gotten divorced last year. Still we did plan to celebrate by going to dinner. However that didn't work out. Some things have been triggering PISD reactions in me the past few days and I needed some support from her that she wasn't openly offering. She's an avoider and just hopes these things will blow over and I'll feel better without us having to talk about it. But of course that only added to my anxiety. I texted her during the afternoon yesterday that I was disappointed that she didn't seem more concerned about my fairly obvious signs of anxiety, including being on the floor beside the bed the other morning when she got up because I was tossing and turning all night and didn't want to keep her from sleeping. I'm sure that was partly a cry for help but all she said about it was she was sorry I had a bad night. 

When she got home from work yesterday she started talking, with what felt like forced cheerfulness, about where we could go eat and she joked that since she had the next morning off work we could have sex till dawn. I said I'd really like to talk some first about some pain from the affair that was popping up again. I was just hoping she would acknowledge my feelings and have some empathy and talk and cry with me some to help relieve it. We did that but after a while her reaction was to get defensive then shut down completely. We sat there in silence for 30 minutes before I got up and left the room. An hour and a half later I went back in and tried to start us talking again by apologizing for asking her to open up about such painful things since I knew it was so hard for her. She has her own pain to deal with because, besides what she did to my life, she left her AP devastated when she came back to me 6 months ago. She allowed him to send her occasional text messages for a while because he was so lonely and distraught, but eventually asked him not to text her again. Part of my pain is that I know they have genuine feelings for each other and I know it was very hard for her to leave him even though she now regretted the affair and the divorce. So I try to be sensitive to that But it's not always easy. We talked a little more but neither of us felt much better. It was late so we had a bowl of cereal for dinner instead of going out. Then she went to bed with a headache from the stress so we didn't exactly have the anniversary we had hoped for. I thought about going out to a bar like I did almost every night for a long time after she left me for her affair partner (and I wasn't a drinker before). But instead I did some laundry and gathered the trash since I hadn't helped much with housework lately since I was feeling so lousy. 
Quote 0 0
gamm3000
I went on so long about my anniversary evening that I got completely sidetracked from what I originally wanted to bring up here. As I mentioned, I was having some infidelity trauma reactions and really wanted my (ex)wife's help feeling more safe. Awhile back I got the audiobook version of "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda McDonald. I was hoping it might be helpful for her to hear it. But after listening to it I told her I didn't think it was what she needed to hear. I know Tim recommends it to some people but I think it would be a little heavy for her. It's a good guide for a wayward spouse who had no intension of leaving their marriage and is willing to do whatever they can to save it. Some of it tends to read like a lecture to the guilty spouse, dealing out rules and chores like punishments. At least that's the way it came across to me. It doesn't address the situation of a spouse who was ambivalent and had gone back and forth some before deciding to return home and try to restore the marriage. I love my wife very much and I'm very grateful she put herself through the painful task of leaving the AP she was so emotionally involved with and return to our marriage Even though she was afraid she had done too much damage to ever save it. I wish I did have a good resource to help that kind of WS to help the betrayed spouse to heal. Anybody know of one? Thanks 
Quote 0 0