AHmember68
I discovered my husband 's affair a year ago. We have fought , confronted, talked etc many times and I have also checked his stuff all the timw till now. I have discovered their hotels bills, holiday photos, naked pic etc that hurt like hell.

So I have tried to let him go , asking for separation and even said the D words.

The last he spoke to me was about 4-5 months back and he told me its was over with his AP. He have been trying to be a good father to our kids and spent important days such as Bday, Xmas holiday trips with us as family.

But somehow women instincts he s not doing single mindedly that want to reconcile .. And still keep contact with the AP when he s not with us. My H is a weekend father he has business in another city and only come back during weekend .

In Jan I hinted to him that how can we get closer physically if he s working on with me. So we have sex twice for almost the one whole year.

From there I started my suspicion again and trying to ask him his whereabouts , he refused to tell me where he live in the other city , just tell me his friend house. I told him he has to make me feel safe If he wants to reconcile . Yet he did not do that.

Again I started my investigation and I suspect they are still in touch, I couldn't stand anymore I called the AP and started to ask her whether she would like to see my family break up. I said something bad about my husband ( I know I shouldn't coz I was drunk )

So I had a bad fight with my husband , he asked me to step back if I still want the marriage .. That 's all our last conversation.

I approached our church leader who known to us and someone I have been talking and praying for me . So they have some words with my H but he refused to say much .. He said we have a lot of bondage , he has changed even said our marriage was not sanctified by God .

My H n I have a lot of past before we married , I was the AP in his first marriage, so I know him well how he handle relationhsip. He is one man who couldn't make up his mind , dragging , emphatizing , full of pride, etc he put the blame on me on everything when he was angry over my past bcs I left him for another guy before our marriage .. So that's why he said we have a lot of bondages.

So now I felt that he just tried to be with us over the weekend and be a good father. Then when left us he will have his own sweet time with his AP. This has been going on for a year I guess .. He did say sorry but I don't feel IT was a true repentance to God and truly sorry for what he has done.

I was asked to be patience with him by the church leader and give him some time as he s living in his guilt.

I think he still care but he is not in love with me anymore. He refused to talk to me anything right now as he feels tired to talk about relationship or marriage. On Valentine's Day he spent with me n the kids. But he never make any single effort to wish me or to say any words.

I have tried to make some boundaries but failed. When ever I make my stand he take it as threats. I have read many books listen to many expert advices .. Surrender to God , tough love, do my PIES to win him back but all failed. Some said I have not let go , some said treat him as a sick person and pray .. I honestly don't know what I should do .. When he came to us I was delighted and the day he left I was heartbroken .. I cannot believe what he said anymore when he said about things bcs I cannot differentiate what s truth and lies .. Worst he don't bother to talk and just come back visiting us every weekend pretend everything is normal .

My church leader asking him to allow them to walk thru with us for healing but it has been a month , he has not make any attempt to talk to them . What can I do ? So many times I feel like giving up and file the paper n move on my life ..
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TimT
AHmember68 wrote:
...My church leader asking him to allow them to walk thru with us for healing but it has been a month , he has not make any attempt to talk to them. What can I do ? So many times I feel like giving up and file the paper n move on my life...
It seems you are listening to a lot of voices and trying to do whatever you can to save your marriage and encourage your husband's whole-hearted return. My own view is stated in the "Wayward Spouse" article, but that may just be another "opinion" that you've already tried.

And that may be part of the problem. Because there is not clear consistency, there is no real need for your husband to be serious about his choices. He keeps doing what he wants to do and the people around him scramble to make another attempt at rescuing him. Those effort will not be successful until he wants to be helped; and he likely won't want to be helped until he is left to face the natural consequences of his choices.

I am fully in support of any spouse who wants to offer grace at the beginning of the process, but at some point you need to pull away and be willing to let his choices take him where they will.

You don't need the "right strategy" as much as you need someone to help YOU get to a healthy place... a place where you have confidence in the choices you are making for yourself and for your children, regardless of what he does or does not do. In that place, you may still hope for your marriage, but you will no longer make decisions out of desperation, need, or fear. For many, that is easier said than done, I know, but that is what I would wish for you right now.

By the way, let me say something that I rarely say in this forum: There are many well-meaning church leaders who seem to see only one path to affair recovery. They believe the only acceptable solution is to keep the marriage alive. For some, this is even a theological conviction and so the betrayed spouse is told that the only "right" response to a wayward spouse is to continue encouraging them back into the marriage and waiting...

While that is certainly an option (and can be made from a place of strength), it is not required, even from a Biblical perspective. In my opinion, your husband's bad choices have gone on too long for you to still be so actively invested in trying to get him to change. 

You need help for YOU right now. Look for a support group. Put the affair books aside and read some books that are about becoming a healthy you. (Look at books by Brene Brown or others recommended by users in this Community.)
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AHmember68
Hi Tim, thank you for your time to pen down your comments. I truly appreciate it ..i was really struggling to continue to put my faith in God for restoration or to let him go and face the consequences of his choices. Yes indeed I have read your articles about wayward spouse many times. I need to be firm with my own decision and put myself into a healthy place again. Thanks Tim for the good insights.
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