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Phoenix
Meant to post on Trinity’s post. 
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Phoenix
Having a hard time posting 
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Phoenix
Trinity wrote:
I don't have any support from my WS.  He just does not want to talk about it at all and when I try to, he hangs up the phone and then wont answer my calls.  It's hard to heal by yourself when the other person just does not care. 🙁  I just do not know what to do anymore.  I try and move forward but "if" I am having a bad day or triggers I need him to be supportive, but I do not think that he is capable.  I don't know if it is shame, or if he has zero empathy, I just don't know.  I can't even ask him because I know that it will just end up with him hanging up the phone on me.  
I am very sad.  He has not contacted me in 3 days..... who does that when you know it clearly hurts the other person ??  
I am at a loss and I wont call him because I know he wont pick up and that will just make things worse on my end.  
I wish people weren't so self serving and downright mean.
i am not going to lie, there are times when I’m completely overwhelmed and I will interrupt when he is talking and even get a bit defensive or go to sleep early because I’m so exhausted.  But for the most part I will reply to every text as fast as I can, take every insult, listen and talk till all hours of the night. And I do it precisely because of this. Because I can only imagine how he feels and I feel that if I don’t do any of those things it will make him feel worse. I can also feel when he is at his breaking point and I will immediately call him because I can not bear the thought of him walking away. I’m really sorry Trinity that he is doing this to you. I don’t understand if you are giving him an opportunity to redeem himself how he can throw it away. I am dying for another opportunity.  I beg and plead him for one. He feels I don’t deserve it and I understand the reasons why. I your WS realizes before it’s to late the opportunity you are giving him. 

"T"
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Trinity
hurting wrote:
T- I just wanted to reach out and give you a big hug. 

You’ve been incredibly strong... I don’t know that I could cope in your shoes. Having said that, I honestly don’t think a marriage can heal based on the actions of one person alone... 

I know your situation is extremely complicated with the distance... so I don’t know what advice to offer. The only thing I can think of, is look after yourself. Put yourself first, and do whatever YOU need to do. You’ve given him ample opportunity. 


Thank you.  It has been beyond difficult.  I can not make him participate in my healing and he dies not even want to, or even want to try.  I asked to co to MC once and he just said, "how are we going to do that when we are far apart".. I offered up suggestions to deaf ears.

I have cried 90% of my days for almost a year now.  I am at a complete loss. 🙁

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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Trinity
My mental picture of this guy is that he gets a kick out of knowing he has you on a hook, and enjoys knowing that no matter how badly he treats you he can still have you. 

I can't read him any other way 


I sure hope he is not as evil as he seems.  I don't know anymore.  He has said to me that he hangs up because he does not know of any other way to diffuse the situation.  However; we don't even get TO a situation, he hangs up at the mere mention of his cheating.  

I don't know what is next.  We have not spoken in days.  All I know is that I am really hurting and he has to know that.... and can't even reach out. 🙁

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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hurting
Trinity wrote:


Thank you.  It has been beyond difficult.  I can not make him participate in my healing and he dies not even want to, or even want to try.  I asked to co to MC once and he just said, "how are we going to do that when we are far apart".. I offered up suggestions to deaf ears.

I have cried 90% of my days for almost a year now.  I am at a complete loss. 🙁

"T"


I too have cried 90% of my days since d-day, though I am not quite as far along as you...

It’s ridiculous how obvious it is, that hanging up on you does NOT go towards ‘diffusing the situation’ as he seems to think. I don’t know whether that comes with being a fellow BS, but really? That’s avoidance plain and simple.

Given how HE was the one who blew up your life, GAVE you all your triggers and FORCED you to become this, the least he can do is acknowledge its impact on you and be there for you as you struggle through the damage of what he has done. Hanging up the phone at the slightest hint of you being upset is being just about as unsupportive as I can imagine. 

I honestly feel angry FOR you. He deserves a good kick up the backside and a reality check. He needs to realise that he DOES run the risk of losing you if he doesn’t start changing some of these behaviours. That he is incredibly lucky you didn’t file for divorce 1 year ago and you’ve given him this much more time that he doesn’t deserve in the first place.

I have many many issues with my WS- he is absolutely rubbish at figuring out his own thoughts and emotions. He is a conflict avoider. He would rather lie than face conflict. He becomes overwhelmed frequently in the face of my anger and pain and will sometimes react defensively. Sometimes he will say he is tired and go to bed early. He has NOT done things perfectly to help with my healing. But while he doesn’t LIKE discussing his issues and cheating, he knows it must be done till I decide I’m done processing... I feel that this is an important point in working towards a future together... 

I recall you mentioned you choose to live where you do because of your work. IS there an option at all to go and move to stay with him, even for a short period of time? You can’t really ‘Hang up’ on someone when you’re living together... 
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GingerHoneyBunny
Trinity wrote:


I sure hope he is not as evil as he seems.  I don't know anymore.  He has said to me that he hangs up because he does not know of any other way to diffuse the situation.  However; we don't even get TO a situation, he hangs up at the mere mention of his cheating.  

I don't know what is next.  We have not spoken in days.  All I know is that I am really hurting and he has to know that.... and can't even reach out. 🙁

"T"


2 weeks ago, I had something similar. Started with a text I sent. Which firmly but not hysterically stated that something she said had hurt my feelings and just wanted her to know. It spiraled into a big thing and finally I really made a resolution not to tell her anything anymore. She said, thanks for understanding that she wanted to move forward and never want to talk about it anymore or about how I might feel about it. I think it's probably the guilt and shame driven by selfishness. I deserve better. 
Male BS, D-Day 22th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think, cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
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surviving
GHB - I'm sorry but the cheating spouse doesn't have the right to end discussions or questions about the affair, what caused it, or what to do now.  They gave up that right when they cheated.
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Trinity
GHB - Honestly I dont get it either.  I mean I can understand that they want to move on from the whole S#it show but.... SO DO WE !!  I agree with SURVIVING that they gave up that right to say what and when they talk about the hard things, when they chose to cheat BUT, it sure does not seem to be that way in my case or in your case.

Perhaps is complete and utter ignorance on their part.  

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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surviving
I should add that my cheating husband says that I can ask questions or discuss his many affairs as many times as I want and as long as I want.  We are over four years past DDay and last night I had a dream about them together while I watched from down the street.  You would think I would be past that, but I guess not!
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anthropoidape
I dream of a situation where (a) I don't talk about it any more, because my WS wants that peace and (b) she is thinking about its impact on me all the time because I need to be treated with it in mind.

The trouble is that as a BS you give (a), and the WS thinks "great, it's all over and done with, I can act like nothing ever happened."
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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MITM
Trinity wrote:


I sure hope he is not as evil as he seems.  I don't know anymore.  He has said to me that he hangs up because he does not know of any other way to diffuse the situation.  However; we don't even get TO a situation, he hangs up at the mere mention of his cheating.  

I don't know what is next.  We have not spoken in days.  All I know is that I am really hurting and he has to know that.... and can't even reach out. 🙁

"T"

Hey T, I'm so sorry it's come to this. Find myself wondering: What is "evil", apart from utter and complete selfishness.
Male BS
D-Day Jan 2018
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Trinity
I dream of a situation where (a) I don't talk about it any more, because my WS wants that peace and (b) she is thinking about its impact on me all the time because I need to be treated with it in mind.

The trouble is that as a BS you give (a), and the WS thinks "great, it's all over and done with, I can act like nothing ever happened."


You are SO RIGHT !!!!

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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Trinity
hurting wrote:


I recall you mentioned you choose to live where you do because of your work. IS there an option at all to go and move to stay with him, even for a short period of time? You can’t really ‘Hang up’ on someone when you’re living together... 


I have a working farm and a business to run here in my state and he is in the Military.  Right now we are 1400 miles apart which, works to his advantage because I can't just into the car an arrive in an hour or so... the drive is every bit of 16 hours if you do it straight on.

I don't think it would actually make any difference if I was there or he was here..... he shuts down regardless of location.  He acts like a 2yr old and will NOT talk or engage, its pathetic and cowardess.... and YES I have said that to him.  You know what he says back to me.... ZERO.

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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hurting
Good god that’s frustrating!! My own WS used to do that and is still no good at expressing himself, but we are taking baby steps in learning to communicate about the hard things. It’s ridiculous how much we misunderstand each other when we slow it right down to check and talk it out.

One of my girlfriends said to me recently after another extremely upsetting episode where I found something of a journal of his affair days (can you imagine how I felt after reading THAT? I very nearly ran into traffic!) ‘at some point, you have to put yourself first. Your heart may still be telling you to stay and give him a chance, but if your mind is telling you stop- I’ve suffered enough, and you HAVE, then maybe it’s time to listen to the other part of you instead’. 

Obviously I haven’t listened to that part of me just yet... but I feel that is perhaps because my WS is on this road with me. He isn’t doing it perfectly, he has a LOT to learn and change, but I am giving this a chance. I don’t trust him. I’m just waiting for the next lie or revelation. But he does seem to be making effort to change... and I know change like this isn’t instantaneous. 

For me, one of the prerequisites of staying in this marriage to try is that my WS does everything in his power to identify the issues in himself and the marriage and change them. 

You can heal by yourself, but I’m not sure whether that can happen fully if you remain in the betrayed marriage with him... because those very issues to do with him remain unaddressed... 

only you can decide whether it would be better for you to continue trying with him or to move on because he is not interested in participating in your healing. 

Re: the MC thing, I know it’s hard with distance, but can it be done as a phone conference session? There’s some guy called Mort Fertel who does this. I disagree with a lot of the points he makes, but if that’s a service that he offers, surely there must be others out there...
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