Kelaine53
I actually read this topic on another forum and it resonated with me because I am struggling deeply with these thoughts so I would like to ask those that are more than two years out from DDay:
  • How many years out are you?
  • Do you still think about it everyday?
  • Do you still talk about the affair with your FWS?

 

We are at 1.5 year mark. There has not been a day in that entire time that I have not thought and been affected by his affair. I know our situation may be different from others because it went on for so long (over 6 years) but I cannot help but wonder if there is any way out. Will I always feel this way.

My FWH is just that - former. There is not one thing different that he could do different and yet he still digs deeper everyday to find out why and how he became that man. He is often a broken man because of the pain he wrought on our marriage. I am not defending him. There is NO DEFENSE for what he did. I just say this because I wonder if there is anything that will clear a path to feeling different about him and our marriage. Am I still going to feel this way in 5, 10 or 15 years (if I live that long).

I guess I ask is there light at the end of this very dark tunnel or will this be my companion for the rest of my life.
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anthropoidape
10 months, two days. 

I give us maybe three months from here. It will resolve one way or the other.  I no longer know which outcome I prefer. I have run out of steam and either she will start doing some serious lifting or she won't. 

If she does we will make it. If not I will be free and I doubt I will ever think about what she did again.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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surviving
Four years and three months!

Affair(s) went on for over 34 years - massage parlors with a happy ending, prostitutes, several emotional affairs, one 14-year physical affair, and one incest.  Crazy that I am still here.  Yes, I think about it every day.  Yes, I still ask questions (some repeated over and over to make sure the answer hasn't changed).  If I had a job, a place to go, I would be long gone.  My husband lost his job because of his affairs.  That, plus some stupid financial decisions on his part, we are so in debt that I don't think we will ever get caught up.  Life is rough!
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Keepabuzz
2 years and 4 months from D-day. 

I still think about her affair everyday. But not constantly. The repercussions of what she did are still here, they are just easier to deal with. I don’t have bad days very often anymore. I still get triggered, but I’m able to manage them much easier. 

Sadly, I think this will stay with me forever. I have described it before as an emotional limp. 
Many wife has done and continues to do her very best, but that can’t change what she did. 
I think it is just something I have to “learn to live with”.  

I very rarly talk to my wife about her affair. I do talk to her about my pain and my sadness though. I miss me, the old me. The happy me. Now I’m different. I’m sad, or flat normally. I still am able to have fun and laugh, but those times are blips on the radar screen. My constant is sad or flat, where I used to be happy. I don’t know how you go through this misery and come out unchanged. I am not who I used to be, and that hurts too. 

I’m not sure it would be any different or easier if I divorced her. I would likely decide to be alone. I have serious trust issues now. Who wants to date someone with trust issues?  Would someone new really want to deal with all the bullsh*t issues I now carry?  Would it be fair to ask them to?  I don’t think so. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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SadAndLonely
9 months from D-day

We are separated and going through divorce.  He has shown very little remorse or willingness to fix our marriage so I am trying to move on.  I think about it every single day.  I am sad when I hold my two young children because he wasn't willing to try for them.  My husband and I rarely talk now.  For the past 7-8 months, he was ping ponging between his AP and me.  I cut the cord and while it hurts terribly, I know it was in the best interest for myself and my emotional well being.  It breaks my heart in so many ways.  I don't know if I will ever truly get over it.
BS: Married 8-1/2 yrs, together 13
Separated 6/11/17
D-Day 3/10/17
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Damaged
1 year 3 months out. Still think about it everyday. Actually a lot everyday. This has changed my personality dramatically. Before I was “ supernova happy”. I was madly in love with my H. The happiest I have ever been. After I found out I was the most unhappy I have ever been. My H would say “ I want my wife back”. I told him that she was dead. I probably even told him that he killed her. If I didn’t at least I thought it. Now I’m much more tentative. Like Keepabuzz, I’m much more flat. Obviously I don’t trust like I did before. I thought he was my soulmate. Know I don’t believe in soulmates. My H has done everything possible but I’m not sure that’s even enough. I have even told him that I love him but I don’t feel the spark anymore. I want to get it back. I know that we need to go back to MC. 
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Lookingahead
57 weeks (yes I still count them) so just over 13 months. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about his affair. The difference now is how long or how often throughout the day that I think about it. We still talk about it whenever I feel the need and I still ask questions, but that is becoming far less frequent. 

My husband has done absolutely everything to help me heal. He also has done everything he can to heal himself as a broken man. We are a work in progress for sure, but I am confident we will reach the "other side" at some point. 

I know my husband knows that there is not one person on this earth that has hurt me more than he has and he struggles with that knowledge daily. He also knows that at the end of our lives together he can never say he was always faithful to me. That is also a huge weight on his shoulders. Unfortunately, these are the consequences of his decisions. 

That said, I do see a ton of progress and change in the dynamic of our day to day relationship. We had a very happy marriage. His actions are of his own brokenness and had nothing to do with me or our love for one another. So, his affair crushed me in ways I can never truly describe. He is and was my best friend and as I write this I am getting emotional at the turmoil we have gone through and the pain that has weighed on me for so long. At the same time I do look forward to the future because we are building new memories and my laughter and smiles are becoming more frequent and natural. 

I will be forever changed by this. There is no doubt in my mind about that. I am more aware, more direct in how I feel about things and I don't put up with crap at all. He is also forever changed by this. Watching his transition to becoming the man he has always wanted to be - honest and living a value based life - well, it's quite amazing. I wish deeply that this was not the pinnacle for which he chose to make the changes he has as a person, but what is done is done. All I can do is continue to heal and allow myself to enjoy my life. I feel pain every single day, but at the end of the day my husband holds me, shows remorse and is the man I was supposed to and thought I was marrying in the first place.
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Joy
Disclosure over 2 years ago. I think about it once or twice a week.  The OW was very involved in our business and we were involved socially with her and her husband.  If not for the constant reminders (today I came across a photo of one of our double dates on Facebook and couldn’t figure out how to get rid of it, ughh!) and her attempts to contact my husband, I believe I would think about it rarely.  
I’m quite honestly tired of thinking about it.  When my youngest is finished with high school in 3 years, I’m moving away to the beach and away from the reminders.  If all goes well with us, I’ll take my husband with me.
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Trinity
5.5 Months out from D-Day.

I do not think about it daily but perhaps every few days.  I DO NOT obsess over it like I used to, not at all.  If I think about it, it is only for a few seconds and not more than that.

My WS and I don't discuss it much at all.  Maybe 2x a month, and only if I bring up triggers that I can't resolve myself.  They are very short conversations.

I am with JOY, I am tired of thinking about it and talking about it.  It's all self torture to me and I refuse to let thoughts of the OW torture me.

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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Jak
My friends mother told me her first husband did the same thing to her. He’s been dead for some time and it was 37+ years ago that they were married and she still resents that man and what he did to her and their family. 
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BrokenHearted
14 mis from Dday, and I still think about it daily. Things between my husband and I have recently taken a turn for the better. I'm happy about that, and my fake happiness isn't so hard to fake. I feel happier than I have in a while, but still guarded. I still have nightmares about his affair several times a month, but they are not usually as intense as they once were.

We still have discussions about things I still need answers to. He has been doing better at talking to me about things, and has finally agreed to live by NC (they still work together). 

I'm not the happy naive one I used to be. I'm more cynical and trust no one. I don't wish this on anyone. I still have pain daily, but not as intense. I love my husband deeply, but it is a different love than before. I'm hoping with more time I will heal and feel happy and love him like I did before.
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Phoenix
Keepabuzz wrote:
2 years and 4 months from D-day. 

I still think about her affair everyday. But not constantly. The repercussions of what she did are still here, they are just easier to deal with. I don’t have bad days very often anymore. I still get triggered, but I’m able to manage them much easier. 

Sadly, I think this will stay with me forever. I have described it before as an emotional limp. 
Many wife has done and continues to do her very best, but that can’t change what she did. 
I think it is just something I have to “learn to live with”.  

I very rarly talk to my wife about her affair. I do talk to her about my pain and my sadness though. I miss me, the old me. The happy me. Now I’m different. I’m sad, or flat normally. I still am able to have fun and laugh, but those times are blips on the radar screen. My constant is sad or flat, where I used to be happy. I don’t know how you go through this misery and come out unchanged. I am not who I used to be, and that hurts too. 

I’m not sure it would be any different or easier if I divorced her. I would likely decide to be alone. I have serious trust issues now. Who wants to date someone with trust issues?  Would someone new really want to deal with all the bullsh*t issues I now carry?  Would it be fair to ask them to?  I don’t think so. 
my husband is very angry at me for that, for breaking him so badly he will no longer have an opportunity to have loving relationship. I hate myself for that. That was not my goal or intention. I do pray to god that he is merciful on him and that he grants him joy and happiness again because he does not deserve to feel the way he does. 
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Keepabuzz
Phoenix wrote:
my husband is very angry at me for that, for breaking him so badly he will no longer have an opportunity to have loving relationship. I hate myself for that. That was not my goal or intention. I do pray to god that he is merciful on him and that he grants him joy and happiness again because he does not deserve to feel the way he does. 


I know how he feels.  My wife says the same things to me as you to him.  I never could have imagined how her betrayal has effected me so deeply, in literally every aspect of my life. Like having your leg bones shattered. They can do surgery, put pins in, do physical therapy, learn to walk again, etc. But you will forever walk with a limp. You can at some point do most of the things you used to do, but they aren’t ever as easy or enjoyable as they used to be. You deal with pain that you don’t talk about. Out of the blue you move wrong, or someone accidentally bumps your leg, and the searing pain comes roaring back.  It never really goes away, it heals, but it’s never 100% again. You just have to learn to live with what is left of you.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Phoenix
Keepabuzz wrote:


I know how he feels.  My wife says the same things to me as you to him.  I never could have imagined how her betrayal has effected me so deeply, in literally every aspect of my life. Like having your leg bones shattered. They can do surgery, put pins in, do physical therapy, learn to walk again, etc. But you will forever walk with a limp. You can at some point do most of the things you used to do, but they aren’t ever as easy or enjoyable as they used to be. You deal with pain that you don’t talk about. Out of the blue you move wrong, or someone accidentally bumps your leg, and the searing pain comes roaring back.  It never really goes away, it heals, but it’s never 100% again. You just have to learn to live with what is left of you.  
keepabuz, I had no idea the damage and distraction my affair would cause. Like everyone else I never took that into consideration. Now that I know and see it in my husband I want to take my life but that is also selfish and I think that I deserve to feel this way and I have to endure it. I put myself here but I would give my whole life so my husband can be whole again. 
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Kelaine53
Phoenix wrote:
keepabuz, I had no idea the damage and distraction my affair would cause. Like everyone else I never took that into consideration. Now that I know and see it in my husband I want to take my life but that is also selfish and I think that I deserve to feel this way and I have to endure it. I put myself here but I would give my whole life so my husband can be whole again. 


My husband says very much the same words but those that betray and those that have been betrayed must accept that what has been done cannot be changed. We only can change the future. The wayward spouse made choices that forever changed the life of their husband or wife. There is no magic bullet that will make their spouse whole in the way they were before. They will evolve into this new reality on their own schedule and at their own pace. You say you would give your whole life. That is very well what it may take.
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