Joss
Ok so we have been 3 weeks separated and he has been back and forth with his feelings toward me and our marriage some times he says he wants to try and sometimes he just says he is done with me. So today i was sending him text massages with songs links that we have liked before and he would see the masages but not say anything after about 5 text i asked him if he was even listening to them. He reply that he was,every single one of them. To what i asked and what do you think? And he said "i could ask your forgiveness a million times and it still wouldn't be the same. It hurts to see what i have done and the consequences of my actions ...but im not ok for you anymore. I dont know what is happening with me thats why i have been distant from you to see what i feel because i cant decipher my feeling any more. What if i stay and dont love you any more.. Or what if i leave and i do. I dont understand my self any more. Sometimes i see you and i feel butterflies in my stomach and sometimes i see you and i get "mad at my self". He says that is just him being confused that it "doesn't" have anything to do with "her"anymore. But to be honest i dont know if he has broken contact with her. He said he did but i am not clear on it. He did admid last week that he tried to contact her and she blew him off. But i feel that if he keeps insisting she will eventually give in and the relationship restart again. I hope he was hurt by her rejection and doesn't try to contact her again but what can i do with his confusion, how long does the "confusion" last ?
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Anna26
Hi Joss,
 What you're experiencing sounds like the classic scenario to me.  My husband is experiencing this too, and it's quite some time since I found out.  Only the other day he said, what if she decided to be with him after all, saying she had changed her mind and didn't want to be with her husband.  It's the indecision thing about getting it wrong whichever way they turn.  They are really mixed up with their feeling for us and the AP.  A step either way seems the right thing to do but then they agonise, that it isn't, a bit like us with the 'shall I work on the marriage and forgive him or shall I end it'.

If he is still seeing her, that will just confuse him more, that's the idea of some space right, so he can sort his head out a bit? 
Don't think my husband gets this part yet!  His AP decided to stay with her husband and until he accepts this fully and realises there is no hope for them, I don't believe things will change much.  Sometimes I think that whatever we say to them, whatever we prompt them with, just muddles them more.  Things are about as clear as mud at this point!

I don't think there is a time limit on the confusion clearing, it's different for everyone. It sounds like it's still quite early days for you and right now I think you have time on your side. Especially as she seems to be knocking him back when he approaches her. I can only hope my husbands AP does this if he decides to try again. 

Time will make things clearer, try not to panic.
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Kalmarjan
Joss wrote:
Ok so we have been 3 weeks separated and he has been back and forth with his feelings toward me and our marriage some times he says he wants to try and sometimes he just says he is done with me. So today i was sending him text massages with songs links that we have liked before and he would see the masages but not say anything after about 5 text i asked him if he was even listening to them. He reply that he was,every single one of them. To what i asked and what do you think? And he said "i could ask your forgiveness a million times and it still wouldn't be the same. It hurts to see what i have done and the consequences of my actions ...but im not ok for you anymore. I dont know what is happening with me thats why i have been distant from you to see what i feel because i cant decipher my feeling any more. What if i stay and dont love you any more.. Or what if i leave and i do. I dont understand my self any more. Sometimes i see you and i feel butterflies in my stomach and sometimes i see you and i get "mad at my self". He says that is just him being confused that it "doesn't" have anything to do with "her"anymore. But to be honest i dont know if he has broken contact with her. He said he did but i am not clear on it. He did admid last week that he tried to contact her and she blew him off. But i feel that if he keeps insisting she will eventually give in and the relationship restart again. I hope he was hurt by her rejection and doesn't try to contact her again but what can i do with his confusion, how long does the "confusion" last ?


The simple answer to this is :

His confusion will last as long as he has any contact with her. Period. There will always be done indecision, because he will believe he is acting "from the heart," when in fact it will be acting out after he has come down from his high when he gets his "fix."

This is why NC is so important. I alluded to that in a previous post.

I know this because I went through it. I still (even now) have a thought pop up in my head where u think of the AP, but I'm able to squash that down and treat it no differently than if I were to think of the grocery store clerk bagging my groceries.

That's because I finally realized that all those "just 'accidentally' text her and hopr that she responds" were what was holding me back.

Your husband will figure this out, and if you back off and give him some boundaries he will come along. It's really, really soon for you guys right now (is it just 3 weeks?) and it's too early to have everything go back to the way it was.

Take heart though, with work it will get better. It will be maddening, and he will feel like he has lost it sometimes... Especially when he truly figures out that the affair was all an illusion. It will be difficult, but it's also the only way through. He chose the door, now he has to go through it.
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TimeToFly
Kalmarjan wrote:
Joss wrote:
Ok so we have been 3 weeks separated and he has been back and forth with his feelings toward me and our marriage some times he says he wants to try and sometimes he just says he is done with me. So today i was sending him text massages with songs links that we have liked before and he would see the masages but not say anything after about 5 text i asked him if he was even listening to them. He reply that he was,every single one of them. To what i asked and what do you think? And he said "i could ask your forgiveness a million times and it still wouldn't be the same. It hurts to see what i have done and the consequences of my actions ...but im not ok for you anymore. I dont know what is happening with me thats why i have been distant from you to see what i feel because i cant decipher my feeling any more. What if i stay and dont love you any more.. Or what if i leave and i do. I dont understand my self any more. Sometimes i see you and i feel butterflies in my stomach and sometimes i see you and i get "mad at my self". He says that is just him being confused that it "doesn't" have anything to do with "her"anymore. But to be honest i dont know if he has broken contact with her. He said he did but i am not clear on it. He did admid last week that he tried to contact her and she blew him off. But i feel that if he keeps insisting she will eventually give in and the relationship restart again. I hope he was hurt by her rejection and doesn't try to contact her again but what can i do with his confusion, how long does the "confusion" last ?
The simple answer to this is : His confusion will last as long as he has any contact with her. Period. There will always be done indecision, because he will believe he is acting "from the heart," when in fact it will be acting out after he has come down from his high when he gets his "fix." This is why NC is so important. I alluded to that in a previous post. I know this because I went through it. I still (even now) have a thought pop up in my head where u think of the AP, but I'm able to squash that down and treat it no differently than if I were to think of the grocery store clerk bagging my groceries. That's because I finally realized that all those "just 'accidentally' text her and hopr that she responds" were what was holding me back. Your husband will figure this out, and if you back off and give him some boundaries he will come along. It's really, really soon for you guys right now (is it just 3 weeks?) and it's too early to have everything go back to the way it was. Take heart though, with work it will get better. It will be maddening, and he will feel like he has lost it sometimes... Especially when he truly figures out that the affair was all an illusion. It will be difficult, but it's also the only way through. He chose the door, now he has to go through it.


Hi Kal,

I agree with you that No Contact is extremely important. My ex was never willing to do his part to make that a reality. I also feel my boundaries weren't firm enough. Since my ex always remained in some sort of contact with his AP (and continued to lie to me about it) I'm just assuming his affair wasn't an illusion (I wish it had been) since they are still together & we are divorced.  
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Joss
The simple answer to this is :

His confusion will last as long as he has any contact with her. Period. There will always be done indecision, because he will believe he is acting "from the heart," when in fact it will be acting out after he has come down from his high when he gets his "fix."

This is why NC is so important. I alluded to that in a previous post.

I know this because I went through it. I still (even now) have a thought pop up in my head where u think of the AP, but I'm able to squash that down and treat it no differently than if I were to think of the grocery store clerk bagging my groceries.

That's because I finally realized that all those "just 'accidentally' text her and hopr that she responds" were what was holding me back.

Your husband will figure this out, and if you back off and give him some boundaries he will come along. It's really, really soon for you guys right now (is it just 3 weeks?) and it's too early to have everything go back to the way it was.

Take heart though, with work it will get better. It will be maddening, and he will feel like he has lost it sometimes... Especially when he truly figures out that the affair was all an illusion. It will be difficult, but it's also the only way through. He chose the door, now he has to go through it.


Hi kalmarjan


Its been 3 months since DDAY and 3 weeks of separation.
Im not sure if the other person is enforcing the nc rule,she did ones. I hope she keeps at it i did ask him last night and he said that that was the last time he had "tried" talking to her. When he talks about the future he always talkes in a way that he includes me in it like yesterday he saw a couple in motorcycle pass by our house and he said "we should do that,we should buy a motorcycle and be like that couple" I invited him for ice cream at a debrand chocolate factory by our house and he made a comment "next time we come we should get that"and "for Christmas we should get some chocolate for the kids from here" so he keeps using the word "we" when he talks about the future. At first i would get excided about it but now its just confusing to me.
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Processing4Growth
It seems to be something that can last quite some time. I am approaching a year when I believe my wife's friendship jumped the line to an emotional, and eventually physical affair. The number of conversations I have had that lack any level of logic and are full of self justification is something I have lost count of.

Earlier this month I posted on something she said that bumped her previous "top stupid things said" item out of the number one spot. The confusion and fog is there there and strong 10 months after dday. 

I think you will find the timing varies greatly and dependent on a lot of things as other have said. You do seem to have at least a few things working in your favor for it to end sooner than later, but time only tells there.  Good luck.
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surviving
If I can add something that might not apply here, but I'll type it anyway.  I confronted my husband and asked him if he was having an affair with so-and-so.  He denied it.  Then he kept the physical part of the affair going for another seven years.  We moved to another state, and he continued the emotional affair with her for another seven years.  If we didn't live so far away from her, he would have continued the physical part of the affair.  So, do I say that the "affair fog" lasted fourteen years?  Or, do I just count since DDay - which is 22 months ago?
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Kalmarjan
surviving wrote:
If I can add something that might not apply here, but I'll type it anyway.  I confronted my husband and asked him if he was having an affair with so-and-so.  He denied it.  Then he kept the physical part of the affair going for another seven years.  We moved to another state, and he continued the emotional affair with her for another seven years.  If we didn't live so far away from her, he would have continued the physical part of the affair.  So, do I say that the "affair fog" lasted fourteen years?  Or, do I just count since DDay - which is 22 months ago?


To me, the "fog" is where they actually believe that there is a chance for a relationship that will last, and that they are "in love" with that person.

In your case, it would be 14 years, unfortunately...
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Joss
Hi kalmarjan
I agree with you that NC is very important i just wish he would get that. One other thing i have him a month of separation to "sort"his feeling. is that a good a mount of time ?
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Kalmarjan
I'm not sure. I believe everyone is different. Thing is, if he is still in contact with his AP, it will be harder for him to sort out his feelings.

Aside from that, it's all about how hard he works on himself.

I wish I could give you a better answer but I honestly don't know.
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TimT
Joss wrote:
Hi kalmarjan
I agree with you that NC is very important i just wish he would get that. One other thing i have him a month of separation to "sort"his feeling. is that a good a mount of time ?

Every single situation is different. Your story is unique because of whatever circumstances have been in place, his story (past experiences, beliefs), your story, the nature of the affair relationship, and the dynamics of your marriage.

Some unfaithful spouses run out of the fog immediately. Some take days or weeks to wander slowly out. Some step into moments of clarity and then walk back into the fog, back-and-forth for a long time. Others seem to never come out.

Frankly, it's the kind of uncertainty that can make the betrayed spouse frantic, feeling like life is crazy. And if you tie every hope to what your husband is thinking/doing, you become a "child of the fog" in your own way.

The amount of time you give your husband has more to do with your own health and sanity rather than his. Focus on what it means for YOU to take steps toward healing, whether with him or without him. The first measure of how long you wait should be what YOU require to move toward healing for yourself and your family.

I'm not suggesting that you become completely self focused. On the contrary, you can continue to sacrifice and offer grace to your wayward spouse for as long as you want, but it should always be in the context of you taking more control of your life. This stance, by the way, is likely to have much more impact on your husband.
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surviving
My WH's confusion lasted 14 years (with his physical affair).  However, he cheated all 34+ years of our married life, so I guess his "confusion" lasted 34+ years.  Every time he acted out, he would confess to God and hope that was the end.  But, porn kept him seeking the next illicit thrill.  When he was caught at his job, he finally confessed to me.  He lost his job and our housing that came with the job.  He then re-confessed to God, and confessed to me - all the details took three months to get out of him.  He went to counseling, we read tons of books, searched websites, and things are better.  Not that I am ready to reconcile, I have too many unanswered questions to even consider that.  We are in-house separated because we don't have any money to truly separate.  Besides, we still have two children at home to raise.  I hope none of you have to wait that long to get to the truth that I knew was going on all along, but he denied it.  I hope you have a much shorter time of getting to the truth and the WS getting over the "affair fog." 
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