Ok so we have been 3 weeks separated and he has been back and forth with his feelings toward me and our marriage some times he says he wants to try and sometimes he just says he is done with me. So today i was sending him text massages with songs links that we have liked before and he would see the masages but not say anything after about 5 text i asked him if he was even listening to them. He reply that he was,every single one of them. To what i asked and what do you think? And he said "i could ask your forgiveness a million times and it still wouldn't be the same. It hurts to see what i have done and the consequences of my actions ...but im not ok for you anymore. I dont know what is happening with me thats why i have been distant from you to see what i feel because i cant decipher my feeling any more. What if i stay and dont love you any more.. Or what if i leave and i do. I dont understand my self any more. Sometimes i see you and i feel butterflies in my stomach and sometimes i see you and i get "mad at my self". He says that is just him being confused that it "doesn't" have anything to do with "her"anymore. But to be honest i dont know if he has broken contact with her. He said he did but i am not clear on it. He did admid last week that he tried to contact her and she blew him off. But i feel that if he keeps insisting she will eventually give in and the relationship restart again. I hope he was hurt by her rejection and doesn't try to contact her again but what can i do with his confusion, how long does the "confusion" last ?
The simple answer to this is : His confusion will last as long as he has any contact with her. Period. There will always be done indecision, because he will believe he is acting "from the heart," when in fact it will be acting out after he has come down from his high when he gets his "fix." This is why NC is so important. I alluded to that in a previous post. I know this because I went through it. I still (even now) have a thought pop up in my head where u think of the AP, but I'm able to squash that down and treat it no differently than if I were to think of the grocery store clerk bagging my groceries. That's because I finally realized that all those "just 'accidentally' text her and hopr that she responds" were what was holding me back. Your husband will figure this out, and if you back off and give him some boundaries he will come along. It's really, really soon for you guys right now (is it just 3 weeks?) and it's too early to have everything go back to the way it was. Take heart though, with work it will get better. It will be maddening, and he will feel like he has lost it sometimes... Especially when he truly figures out that the affair was all an illusion. It will be difficult, but it's also the only way through. He chose the door, now he has to go through it.
I agree with you that No Contact is extremely important. My ex was never willing to do his part to make that a reality. I also feel my boundaries weren't firm enough. Since my ex always remained in some sort of contact with his AP (and continued to lie to me about it) I'm just assuming his affair wasn't an illusion (I wish it had been) since they are still together & we are divorced.