My husband was the same. His family really didn't "talk" about difficult things. His Dad's alcoholism, his parent's divorce after he got sober, etc... everything was sort of "That's bad. Now it it is time to get on with life." No sharing feelings, processing meaning or even looking for valuable insight to be applied to future situations. Just - "That's over. Put your big girl/boy pants on and get over it."
Also, this was exceedingly out of character for him as well and he was sick with shame. We did do some therapy after DD, but not long term. Our therapist actually told us we were communicating so well and talking about the difficult things clearly that she wasn't sure she could really provide much value anymore. So, while I think he did make some important connections in counseling to issues in his childhood that made him react incredibly poorly to a perceived rejection by me and to his inability to talk about his feelings and express needs, I don't think he really worked through the shame there. He really, really struggled with it for the first 18 months to 2 years, but as he saw that his efforts to rebuild his relationship with me and our daughter SLOWLY bore fruit, he took pride in that. Granted there were a number of times I think he was pretty distraught that neither of us would ever get over it and I saw him cry more times in those two years than in our entire life together. But I think that in some ways that felt like justice to him and allowed him to see himself as a person who could "lean in" to fixing his mess and face himself - instead of someone weak who walked away. Overtime he has built a very different view of himself. I think he used to have a lot of the "imposter" syndrome. He feared that if people looked too deep they would find someone lacking, shallow. At first, the affair seemed to tell him that he was right. He was a bad person with only a surface veneer of good. But in the healing of it, in the digging deep and paying attention to things he used to shy away from - like who he wanted to be and the traits he wanted to embody vs. how much money he made - he found a depth in himself that I could always see - but he had never given himself credit for. I think he is actually happier now in his own skin than he has ever been (almost 4 years out from DD). He stopped running from himself and did the hard work of really taking a personal inventory. He found things he liked - and changed the ones he didn't. I think his major regret is that he didn't have the strength or wisdom to do it earlier and instead waited until he'd sunk to rock bottom and hurt everyone he loved (including himself) along the way. Even now, when he seems to have left the shame behind, there is still a heavy weight of regret. And while he owns what he did - he says it still hurts his heart that he marked himself in this way, that this will always be a part of his story, his legacy. The only way he could find to keep that from choking his ability to move forward was to try to put it to good. To use it as impetus to help others and to never take me or our daughter for granted again. And so far, he has given me every reason to believe that it is a lesson emblazoned on his soul. FYI - since I am talking about his feelings exclusively, it may seem as if he only focused on how this experience affected him. Nothing could be further from the truth, but that is the focus of this question so that is what I spoke to.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child DD May 2016 “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl