phoenix2016
I've never posted in a forum before, but I could really use the support of this community. I'll try to keep the story short, but I'm really confused everything.

Question: For those who have had a wayward spouse leave for an affair partner and return home to you, how long did it take? Is there some advice you can give me on how to encourage my husband to come home?

Background:
My husband of 5 years left me almost 5 months ago for his affair partner (a coworker from a past job and someone we were both friends with). He was the best friend I've ever had (he said the same the day before he left) and we have so much in common on so many levels. I was in complete shock that he had an affair with someone with little in common with him, especially since it had gone on at least on an emotional level for almost 2 years. I'm even more shocked that he left me, but her divorce from her husband was recently finalized so that might explain the timing. 

He said he wanted a divorce, but he also said he still wanted to stay "friends" and continue to do things together like garden, etc. I told him that was not possible, but the door was still open for our marriage. At my request, we had no contact for the first month (so that I could move forward mentally and physically). After that he wanted to get together still, and I wanted to show him there was still potential for our marriage so I agreed to meet up. Since then, we've gone out together and had a good time almost every week (happy hours, concerts, dinner). He still hasn't moved out all of his things and only mentioned setting a date once. He can't file for divorce for another month and that has not been discussed either.

Two weeks ago I told him that I still remain open to reconciling our marriage so he knows that we are not "friends". He told me that he wants to continue seeing me because he enjoys spending time together, not because he's trying to make up for his guilt. He expressed genuine remorse and encouraged me to share the pain I feel too so he's starting to acknowledge the pain he's caused us both. He told me that he's very depressed.

But, he's still with his affair partner and I have reason to believe that he's moving in with her this week. 

Despite what this might sound like, I'm not putting my life on hold waiting for him to come back. But I really would prefer to move forward in my life with him as my husband.  

Has anyone gone through something similar? I'm asking for a general time that it took your wayward spouse so I can remind myself to be patient with my husband and more importantly patient with my own healing process.

Thanks so much!
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sunflower07
phoenix2016 wrote:
I've never posted in a forum before, but I could really use the support of this community. I'll try to keep the story short, but I'm really confused everything.

Question: For those who have had a wayward spouse leave for an affair partner and return home to you, how long did it take? Is there some advice you can give me on how to encourage my husband to come home?

Background:
My husband of 5 years left me almost 5 months ago for his affair partner (a coworker from a past job and someone we were both friends with). He was the best friend I've ever had (he said the same the day before he left) and we have so much in common on so many levels. I was in complete shock that he had an affair with someone with little in common with him, especially since it had gone on at least on an emotional level for almost 2 years. I'm even more shocked that he left me, but her divorce from her husband was recently finalized so that might explain the timing. 

He said he wanted a divorce, but he also said he still wanted to stay "friends" and continue to do things together like garden, etc. I told him that was not possible, but the door was still open for our marriage. At my request, we had no contact for the first month (so that I could move forward mentally and physically). After that he wanted to get together still, and I wanted to show him there was still potential for our marriage so I agreed to meet up. Since then, we've gone out together and had a good time almost every week (happy hours, concerts, dinner). He still hasn't moved out all of his things and only mentioned setting a date once. He can't file for divorce for another month and that has not been discussed either.

Two weeks ago I told him that I still remain open to reconciling our marriage so he knows that we are not "friends". He told me that he wants to continue seeing me because he enjoys spending time together, not because he's trying to make up for his guilt. He expressed genuine remorse and encouraged me to share the pain I feel too so he's starting to acknowledge the pain he's caused us both. He told me that he's very depressed.

But, he's still with his affair partner and I have reason to believe that he's moving in with her this week. 

Despite what this might sound like, I'm not putting my life on hold waiting for him to come back. But I really would prefer to move forward in my life with him as my husband.  

Has anyone gone through something similar? I'm asking for a general time that it took your wayward spouse so I can remind myself to be patient with my husband and more importantly patient with my own healing process.

Thanks so much!


I am going to try to be gentle when I say this. I don't think you can work on your marriage while he is still involved with his AP. Yes, you can be willing to work on your marriage, but you cannot actually work on it because he will just go back and forth betwee the two of you.

He cannot make a decision at this point so you will have to make it for him.

Consider writing him a letting go letter if you haven't all ready.

Then consider doing the 180.

Tim T talks about having the two guards to your heart, which are questions that you ask your WS to determine if they are really ready to work on the marriage These are on this site under resources I believe.

I hope this helps. He sounds like he is caught in a Love Triangle and sometimes the only way to end it is if YOU are the one to step out of it.
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Mia2003
Hi, I am in a very similar situation, my h has been living with ow for 6 months. Moved in with her 6 months after walking out.

I am not in a great position to give advise but the support I have had on this forum has been great.

I would say that it seems like your h is cake eating by continuing to do things with you and carry on with ow. I would put a stop to that. He is not your friend...a friend wouldn't treat you like this .....good luck
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LadyFinn
phoenix2016.. I too will risk an answer to your question. I am cautiously using my words as I have no intention of hurting anyone further. But , I will be blunt with you ( from my perspective). I should stop myself right here right now as I am very entense and passionate about this very subject.. but I cannot refrain. Forgive me

If I have this correct, YOU are no longer the WIFE. You have accepted a role of the "other women " to his affair partner. You are "dating" or "seeing " your spouse... Quote "Since then, we've gone out together and had a good time almost every week (happy hours, concerts, dinner". Presumably , this is happening without the knowledge of his affair partner. Otherwise, I guess you just have an "open marriage". So, you are participating in the very behaviours that allowed him to cheat in the 1st place... lying, deception, lack of responsibility, acceptance etc. This is not a competition . This is not high school to see who "wins the boy"... This is a catastrophic violation of vows, trust , marriage, morals etc... nothing even remotely close to a game. Stop playing this game. He is getting the absolute best of everything right now.. why would he change a thing?? . Do you believe  "if he likes you more, he will come back?" . I believe that would be a very very short lived win. It is NOT for you to WIN him back, it is 100% the opposite . Cake eating at its finest.

There is NO GUARANTEE that they will ever come back . Ever. When my husband left our marriage, I believed it was over . I did not see it as some temporary phase or "blip". It was over. Do not live as if this is a "blip". There is no guarantee he will come back ... or that you will want him .

Read the 180 as previously mentioned ( good advise) .. print it off , take it to your support person or therapist and ask for some help understanding and implementing these changes . It is difficult . I know, I used it to the letter. If my "husband" asked me out for dinner or any other function, while he was living with another women, frankly, I would have spit on him. Never . While there is another women there is zero marriage ... in my opinion.
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Fionarob
I can only whole heartedly agree with the previous posts 100%. 
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phoenix2016
Thanks for all of your advice. Early on, I gave him the "letting go letter" as well as reiterating the message in conversation several times. He also knows that I am open to reconciling our marriage and that is why I continue to agree to see him.  

I haven't fully embraced the 180 with him yet because that is exactly what he expected of me. He left because he thought he was too far gone down the affair path and that I would never forgive him so I felt the need to give him a period of grace. In a sense, my 180 to this point has been reacting with compassion and patience. Although we have been seeing each other, I have limited my availability beyond that. And, although it's not obvious from my previous message, I have been very focused on my own growth and healing process. Since he left me, the times we have seen each other have been opportunities to demonstrate my growth and on occasion be open about the pain this is causing me. 

It may not sound it from my question, but I am moving forward. However, I know others have gone through this before me, and although every situation is different, it would be comforting to hear from someone whose husband did come back after a period of time. 

 




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Mia2003
Himphoenix, how r u. Have you managed to do the 180 with your husband?
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phoenix2016
For several months, I had been in the 180 mode (limited availability-letting him reach out to me rather than chasing). Again, I could have been even more strict, but if I didn't agree to see him or communicate with him at all, he would have just accepted it as something he deserved. Seeing him on a limited basis during the separation has allowed me to demonstrate how I have grown and am moving forward with my life. I have also been able to open up to him about the pain his behavior has caused. 

I have been making a lot of progress focusing on my own personal growth and healing. However, more recently, I have felt myself becoming more desperate at times for him to just come back to our marriage. Realizing that, I do think I need to reinvest myself in the 180 mentality again and refocus on the progress that I have made for myself.


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Negarcia
phoenix2016 wrote:
For several months, I had been in the 180 mode (limited availability-letting him reach out to me rather than chasing). Again, I could have been even more strict, but if I didn't agree to see him or communicate with him at all, he would have just accepted it as something he deserved. Seeing him on a limited basis during the separation has allowed me to demonstrate how I have grown and am moving forward with my life. I have also been able to open up to him about the pain his behavior has caused. 

I have been making a lot of progress focusing on my own personal growth and healing. However, more recently, I have felt myself becoming more desperate at times for him to just come back to our marriage. Realizing that, I do think I need to reinvest myself in the 180 mentality again and refocus on the progress that I have made for myself.




That's great phoenix. It's a learning sxperience for all of us. I did the same thing you did. Did the 180 but then felt bad for consistently ignoring him. I know it's because I still love him but it's a daily struggle.
My IC always tells me not to feel bad for giving in because I'm learning what I need to do.
Great job on working on yourself.
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LadyFinn
Hi Phoenix2016
Quote "It may not sound it from my question, but I am moving forward. However, I know others have gone through this before me, and although every situation is different, it would be comforting to hear from someone whose husband did come back after a period of time. 

 Every situation is absolutely different , all of us are unique and will be guided by our own wisdom and intuition. No question about any of that. I am impressed you are able to work on yourself, I know it is incredibly difficult to do when in this much pain.

I must confess that I completely and utterly followed the 180 ... 100%. But the truth is , that my own intuition, my own pain, my own wisdom already had told me to do exactly this. I found the 180 very very easy to do because it was my own natural reaction to do so. I did not want to see him ( ever) and I never wanted to talk with him... I could not bare the anguish. So, for me, it fit like a shoe and I did not need to do anything differently.    

My husband did return to our marriage . We have been trying to clean up this mess for over 2 years... so, I have been at both ends of this journey .                                                                                                                                                                                       








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