SolomHeybrook
Hey all,
You can read my full sitch over in the Tell your story bit. But quick recap: 
Been together for 8 years (or will be in 5 days). Not officially married, were waiting till my moms house sold to use that money for the wedding we really wanted.
Anyway, got an "I'm not sure I want to be with you anymore and I was going to leave you" on like Feb 7th. Found out that really, he's been having an affair with a friend of his for the last 9 months. I left to give him "space" and stayed with friends for a few days. Found out while I was go, he was bringing OW over to my home. I asked him to leave on Valentines day. Since then, I've seen him once so he could get more of his things. It was incredibly awkward. We haven't talked at all except about strictly business stuff since (getting his W2s, or the dog got out of the yard). 

He is currently living with OW. She is not a stable person. (and I don't say that just as the BS). She was commited to a psych hospital last year for suicidal thoughts because she didnt know how to leave her then boyfriend (of like 7 years). Her BF left her, she immediately started seeing my guy. 
So recent news is that he's apparently telling everyone we broke up (despite never having had that convo with me), that I was terrible to him, that he was miserable with me before OW and he only turned to her for support yadda yadda. But he is planning on moving with her back to colorado (we live in PA)  where she has no support system, friends/family,etc. 

Anyway, I'm just at a loss for what I"m supposed to be doing. His friends/family all know. Many are supportive of me but that probably ins't worth anything.
The longer he's been separated from me, the more venomous he's gotten towards me. When he left, he was telling friends that we were having problems, that they were more his fault than mine etc. And now it's just I was terrible to him. 
I know it's all justification. I know it's all bullsh*t. It still hurts a heck of a lot

I still want to work on my relationship. I think what we had was worth fighting for. 
I'm moving forward. I'll be moving in 2 months, my house is on the market etc. I just cant see a path forward though. 

So yeah, I"m confused as to what to do next. I know 2 months isn't really that much time in the grand scheme of things but it just feels like the longer this goes, the worse it gets. How long do I give it? Do I try something different? Do I reach out to him and try and be "friends''? Or do I continue with limited interaction, moving forward with my life and hoping that one day he catches up? 
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Sandy2000
Really gently here .... he's cheating before marriage and he's lying and bad mouthing you to friends.  is this the kid of husband you want? A husband is supposed to have your back, he clearly does not from his actions.

two people in a relationship need to be on the same page for it to work. right now, you don't truly know how long the affair has been  going on. She could have been with him before her BF left .... you jut don't know.

I know you invested 8 years in the relationship, but many would say you are lucky to find out before marriage and children.  if you shared marital assets it would all be so messy and exhausting.

He has chosen someone unstable ...that's his choice and her support system isn't your problem. What draws him to someone who is unstable to this degree?  In any event it doesn't matter, as he's made a  choice to be with her.  Don't reach out and move forward.  Marriage is about trust. Starting on a shaky foundation will likely end badly.

Let it go.
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SolomHeybrook
Not to sound combative but why does a piece of paper change how committed we were? Marriage as an institution isn't something I cared about which is why we were married. If I had gone to a court house and signed my name 3 years ago when we decided we were going to get married, would you still be saying let it go?

Our lives were just as entangled as a married couple. We have 4'dogs together, shared bank accounts, etc. we've lived together for 7 years, so the idea that somehow our relationship is only "worth saving" is if I signed a piece of paper? If we hadn't moved to a different state, we would've been common law married.

I've had a lot of people tell me oh good you aren't married just walk away. My commitment wasn't any less just because we weren't married. So just because the break up process doesn't involve a court means I should just walk away from it?

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UrbanExplorer
I think in this situation, you might need to take time and space for yourself and let him make this likely mistake. He might wake up and regret everything and want you back, but if not, you will still be OK. And if you no longer want to pursue a relationship with him at that time, you will also be OK. I know 8 years is a long time.
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TimT
SolomHeybrook wrote:
...it just feels like the longer this goes, the worse it gets. How long do I give it? Do I try something different? Do I reach out to him and try and be "friends''? Or do I continue with limited interaction, moving forward with my life and hoping that one day he catches up? 

Nobody can tell you exactly how long you should continue to hope for a relationship. They can offer opinions, but they cannot tell you that any particular time is right and another is wrong. I've seen betrayed partners make quick exits from the relationship, some out of what I would consider healthy motivations and others for unhealthy ones. And I've witnessed betrayed partners wait for very long times to see if the wayward one would come around. For some, their motive to wait came out of strength; others were motivated by weakness.

It's not just what you do but why you do it.

The way you value commitment is obvious. Giving him time to see whether or not he returns to a relationship with you would make sense. We don't want to quickly give up on something valuable. But you cannot have one-sided connection. At some point, he has to demonstrate his desire to rejoin you in the relationship and repair the damage that has been done.

My concern is that it sounds like he continues to do damage. If this doesn't stop, you will need to disconnect for your own sake. Don't sacrifice your health and whole-heartedness in hope for something that continues to crumble in ruin. Eventually, you may need to turn from hope to grief.
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