Heartbroken2015

When my husband and I first started dating 14yrs ago, I told him - if he was ever unhappy in our relationship to just leave that I would not be ever forgive infidelity.   We have been married the last 6yrs of those 14 and have a 5yr old son.  

He asked for a separation out of the blue in April, treated me like I didn't exist for several months and I moved out in June.   We were going to counseling to work on our marriage (he was very disconnected from our family and work was his priority).  I was going to return home the first of Oct but I found out about his emotional affair in Sept and that is was physical in Nov (he had told me nothing happened).  So I did not move home and now he wants to reconcile.   

He has become more connected to our family and wants to try to spend more time with us.  I feel the affair is between us and not between the 3 of us.  He has done nothing to make me feel secure with our relationship but has made great strides in showing me he is dedicated to our family.

The old single me would never give him a second chance.   But for some reason I am waiting to decide to divorce him.  I'm not sure if it's the history or for our son or that I truly still love him as to why I would even consider giving him another chance.

How did you know it was for love and not history or the children?   did you make the right choice or do you have regrets?

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Dirazz
Heartbroken2015 I am 6 months since DD. I knew it was love. After finding out of the 2 month affair 2 weeks physical and finally catching my breath as I felt like I was punched in the gut! All I knew for sure was I was still in love with this man. This broken flawed remorseful man. And that was the beginning of our long hard road to reconciliation. For us so far it's been worth it. His betrayal does not define our marriage. Let your heart feel what is right for you. Your gut will always let you know if it's not meant to be. Hang in there!
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Heartbroken2015
Thanks Dirazz.  At first I was so heartbroken and new it was because I loved him so much.  I literally couldn't function.  Now that we are still separate I find my feelings for him are lessening and my love is being pushed aside by all the hurt & awful thoughts of the affair. So know I'm not sure if I'm leading with my heart or my mind.
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Fionarob
I wrestle with this thought nearly every day - why am I still here giving my husband ANOHTER chance (he had 7 relapses back into his affair.)  At first I think it was for love, but because of the way he has continued to keep going back to the affair my love has gradually faded to nothing and I am just full of anger and resentment.  Now I feel like I am just doing it because we have two children and I don't want them to have to go through us getting divorced.  I am good at covering up my feelings and carrying on as if everything is fine, but under the surface I am still very, very hurt and angry - especially as he still hasn't admitted the affair was his choice.  When we last spoke about it he said he "fell into it."

I don't feel it is right to stay with him just for our children, but the pain of having to pull their family apart seems far worse than staying.  I just cannot imagine doing it or being a single parent, changing their world forever.  I often wonder if I was braver then would I have made him leave.........or is it braver to stay and try and repair the marriage?

It is still early days for me since the most recent DDay, so I am just hoping that the love will return with time.  But for now, my children motivate me every day to try and have a good marriage and put the anger and resentment aside.
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Heartbroken2015

This how I feel too, I know in my mind I struggle if I am staying for him or if I'm being selfish by not trying.  

I feel that it's not really staying for him but being able to be strong enough for him; to push fear of getting hurt again aside, to forgive his father and try to put the affair behind us.   I just worry that trying and not succeeding will do more damage.  I worry not trying is being selfish in the fact that I'm scared to try or to get hurt again and he misses out on having his family together.   I know and everyone says that the children will succeed as long as they come from a happy home or homes - you don't change your love for them.  But I feel that divorce is hard on children and us being separate has already caused issues with him feeling isolated at school cause he has 2 homes etc.

You are so strong to be able to put on a happy face & happy home for them; when inside you are hurting.   I just don't know if I am that strong or strong enough to survive a repeat affair.  I normally feel strong and now feel so weak from all this [frown]

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Dirazz
Our WS's left us with great choices didn't they? Stay and work out our marriage after betrayal or break up our family and devastate our children. I can tell you for me it was always the feeling that I'm still in love with this man. That kind of at first made me mad. I thought how dumb am I? Then I thought about our 18 years together 15 being married and the way he treated me. It's always been like a queen. Always very loving and attentive and supportive. Even during the 2 months of his insanity. So how can a man who's always been extremely good to me do this?? He's been asking himself that since DD. I can say he broke it off with her because of gulit but I still found out by looking at phone bill. I know that even though I have forgiven my husband this time if there is a next time it's done! He fully understands this and is doing everything in his power to make me feel safe and secure again. This morning I'm going to say a prayer for ALL of us who are dealing with our hearts being broken and stepped on.

God, you are our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble( psalm46:1) You have invited us to come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

In Jesus name we pray!

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Tim2014
Amen
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Virtual
Amen
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