Its been 4 years since d day and my husband has admitted to the affair but my gut tells me there’s more to tell.  His response is that he has given it to god and has told me his truth it’s time to move forward and stop putting so much energy into the past.  Deep down inside I can not move on forgive or trust him until he comes clean to everything.  My head tells me don’t give him so much power but my heart is s different story.  I know I could just divorce him but I really want to preserve my family.  I’ve even thought of going to the other woman for answers.  She has moved on married and has a child.  But my pride and self respect wont let me do it.  Your thoughts on what to do?
Quote 1 0
I don’t think you will ever know everything for sure. That is one of the harder things to get through for me. I just have to accept that I will never know for sure, ever. 

Secondly,  he is the very last person that has any right to tell you it’s tome to move forward!  It takes as long as it takes, period. That’s really great he has “given it to God”, good for him. But that doesn’t make one single thing better or easier for you. That is hiding behind the Bible. God can forgive all he wants, that doesn’t mean you have to, or if you choose to, you don’t have to do on someone else’s timeline. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
Quote 2 0
Its true, I came to terms very early a few days after D-day that I would never get all of the details or truth out of I came to the conclusion to if I could imagine that it could or did was likely that it did happen. As far as the sex part....that's all I needed to know...I didn't need to know the where, how, position...etc etc....and just excepted that the worse senerio that my mind could come up with was a real possibility that they did...such and so fourth.
   I have forgiven my Husband but I still do not trust him and really don'y know if I will or can again...and that I also have to accept.....
At least in my case, no good ever came out of talking with the ex-ap...but then again...she is a crazy stalker. You may have a different, only you can make the choice on weather to contact her or not. Only you can decided that contact with her may or may not help with your healing... but it might do more harm then good.
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
Quote 1 0
My WH never gave any facts at first unless, through my amateur detective skills, would find proof of something, then he would tell that truth and then say “ok, you know everything”, until the next time when I would uncover more stuff, because, like you, I always knew in my gut that there was more to the story.    FINALLY, after showing him articles about the damage done to the bs with trickle truth, he started feeding up on his own.  This all happened over a course of 6 months.   I was finally done asking questions, because I was tired of starting back in my recovery.    One thing that helped him to own up, was me writhing a list of things that I thought happened.  Things that kept playing in my mind.    That was a loooonnnggg night, him taking that list and us discussing it, but it helped.     I will never know the entire story, as I wasn’t a part of it, but the fallout of it.    My ic and I are now working how how I move past not knowing 100% and it totally sucks.     I wish you luck with your journey.
Quote 1 0
I think you have to accept that you will never know the whole truth.  You cannot FORCE him to tell you things; and he has already demonstrated that he is willing to lie to your face (as he did while having the affair)

Now you have to decide if you can live in this marriage on those conditions.  If your decision to stay is based on "as long as he didn't do X with her, I will stay" you will drive yourself mad.  Assume he did X, Y and Z and a few things we haven't even thought of with her.  (Example, my WS had his AP put earbuds in and he told her how to touch herself - Ok, phone sex itself is not unusual - but in her case she could not make any noise because her husband was in the next room! What kind of sick people get pleasure from betraying their spouses while in the house with them??)

Now make your decision on if this is a situation you can live with.
Strength to you as you navigate this difficult path
Quote 0 0
You will never know all the truth about then or now. We just have to learn to not need to know everything. The things I do know aren't that pleasant anyway. The issue is regaining trust amidst so many unknowns. Living without complete trust is really, really hard, but having complete trust wasn't realistic in my case either. I have to lean on the fact that none of us are totally trustworthy in every detail of our lives, so I must rest in the knowledge that there is a perfectly trustworthy God around to lean on.
Quote 0 0