Broken5640
I found out 4 weeks ago that my husband of 13 years has been cheating on me for 6 months. It started as a physical affair for 2 months while he was working in another country and continued as a long-distance emotional affair for the past 4 months after he returned home.

Immediately after he came home and moved our family to another state away from my family, he told me he was no longer in love with me and we needed to work on our marriage. Before this I had no idea we had any issues. He started the affair 2 months after I gave birth to our 3rd child while he was gone. He spent 4 months half-assing it and telling me I wasn't trying hard enough.

I accidentally found out about the affair while he was on a business trip and I had to use his computer. He planned on leaving me and the kids for her after the holidays so he could have one last everything with the kids. When he returned from his trip he told me he was in love with her, they were soulmates, our marriage has been terrible for the last 7 plus years, their relationship was exciting and adventurous... I asked him to move out immediately.

Recently he has apologized, ended things with her, and come up with a superficial plan to resolve things between us (he thinks date nights will fix everything). He's decided to ignore his feelings for her and hope they disappear. I don't think he understands what he would have to do for us to reconcile. And I think one day he might wake up and realize he gave up the wrong woman. 

I don't know what I want. We have 3 kids under 6 and have been together for over 20 years. I hate that I can't just walk away and never look back. We have 6 months before he has to work overseas again where his AP is. I will be moving back to where my family is in 6 months. Once I do, I will no longer be open to reconciliation.

I don't know what to do or know how to tell he's really remorseful and ready to put in the work.
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Sorry
He definitely didn't give up the wrong women. Affairs are not realistic,  this woman does not have your combined history and is not the mother of his children. Regardless of whether you manage to work it out or not his decision to stay with you is never a case of giving up the wrong woman. 

Give him a chance if you wish to. But do it with open eyes.  Decide on where your boundaries are and stick to them.

If it involves him changing jobs so he doesn't have to go. It does not matter. 

Protect yourself and your children first. 
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Jennifer
Broken,

I am so sorry you are in this position. This is a painful and confusing time. You get to decide what you want to do moving forward. If you want to give the marriage a chance then move forward with some boundaries in place for now. I would recommend that he have no contact at all with the AP, marriage counseling and/or individual to work on things, and he needs to move forward with the mindset that he will help you heal and recover from this. He should not be putting a band-aid on this and he needs to take complete responsibility for what he did. If he is unwilling to be empathetic to what you are going through and wants to still talk with the AP then those would be red flags that he's not ready to do the work. If leaving his job would be helpful and an option then that is something to discuss with him.

If you want to leave the marriage then that is your right to do so as well. Even though it is a difficult decision it is what is best for some couples. No matter what the choice, the focus should be on taking care of yourself right now.
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GingerHoneyBunny
Dear broken 5640,

So sorry we are on the same boat. Me, 36 yr old male. Turning 37 in Feb 2018. 3 months into discovery of wife's affair. Together for 16 yrs, married for 13 yrs. We have 3 children, 8,7,and 4 yrs old. Have ever only been sexual with wife. We were college sweet hearts. Married young at 23 yrs when we were still in college. We are both from families with some brokenness although her parents are divorced while mine are still together.

Found out from text messages in her phone. Found out the hard way. No full confessions. Details only confirmed if I asked the right questions. Apparently it was a 9 months affair. From Jan to Sept when I found out. Apologies after apologies. Sometimes it did not seem she got it or knew what was right or wrong. Though I was responsible for my part in how our marriage got to this stage., at the time of discovery she seemed to blame me for pushing her into the arms of another man. The affair started out emotionally. They were long lost school mates in elementary. At that time, I felt our marriage was at the pits. Back in Dec 2016, I tried to reach out. But it all sounded like blame to her. Our communication was truly poor and broken down. The affair started emotionally before boiling over into a physical one a few months later.

After discovering the messages, I told her to summon her AP to our home. He actually came. Tried to do some damage control. Tried to explain that it was just keeping in touch. Later on my wife tried to just keep me at its just emotional not yet physical. And then later again that it was only a one night stand. The shame and guilt too great to reveal the full truth to me. After that I connected the dots, and finally it was revealed that they had sex at least 3 times. But my own estimation was that it should be at least 5 to 6 times. I figured that out because she would have her mom over to our place while she went back to her home town alone. That can only mean they grabbed whatever time they could to be together.

It been a really rough 3 months. No contact was enforced. All gifts were returned or thrown out. We got our pastor and church leader involved in helping us out. She has never been able to make a full confession on her own without me asking the questions. I made the mistake of asking detailed questions. Don't make my mistake. It will never get out of your head regardless whether you stay or leave. 

She seems remorseful and contrite. She does what she can with more effort. But it does not seem enough to convince me that I m her man. She says she made the choice to love only me and let go of feelings for the AP, to do the right thing. I feel like the consolation prize. I don't feel like I won the lottery. I tried hard to forgive with God's love and help. Within a week we were back to sex. It was tough initially. We both cried. I saw how she suffered without my touch and tried to man up. Later on it was just hysterical. I'm in therapy and antidepressants. 

You will know your spouse is ready when he is sufficiently remorseful and contrite. Contrite is vital. My wife is starting to own up and take responsibility for her actions and able to bear with me better. Otherwise I am definitely out the door. There should be outward signs of wanting to work things out. My wife is making a lot more effort in our home, our intimacy and stuff. We do more things together like showers, and even simple ones like applying face creams and now even singing together. I'm now somehow able to sing and enjoy it. She is able to bear my crying spells betters without getting angry at herself badly. I did cry again yesterday out of fear and anxiety for what 2018 holds. 

Hang on.. I hope things will work you for. FYI, he definitely did not choose the wrong woman. U are way better than what you think. Same here with me. I still think I'm not good enough or not adequate. Hang on. 
Male BS, D-Day 22th September 2017.
Probably a 10 to 12 month affair (I think, cause no one seems to remember anything!) 
Bleeding heart...
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Broken5640
An update, he was not ready to reconcile. He lied. They had not broken it off. They were going strong and she came to visit him. He told me he was going away for the weekend to clear his mind and figure out how to fix us. I sent him pictures of our kids all weekend to remind him what he was fighting for. I did not realize he was looking at the pictures in between sex sessions with his mistress. I'm heartbroken and can't believe this is the person I chose to share my life with. It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me and I can't trust my own judgment.

I contacted his AP. She broke things off with him after she found out he had been lying to her as well. So of course he is now remorseful and wants to fix things. My kids ask for him every night. I hate what he's done to me and our family.
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anthropoidape
Geez that is terrible. So sorry to hear this. The silver lining is - you can be sure of what to do now.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Laurajean83
Broken,  so sad to hear your story.  Can't imagine what your going through or what you have for supports but people on here understand and wanna help.  Different stories, different sides of affair but all working toward a future of hope and happiness and integrity.  Post away we wanna support you.  
WW, Dday 7 months ago

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it.  Jer 17:9
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