BrokenHearted

My WS (H) had a 2-year emotional affair which started to turn physical 8 months before Dday with a mutual friend. Since Dday he has been very open and honest- lets me check his phone/email/FB etc. anytime. He is honest about seeing her at work (as they work together and he cannot change jobs at this time) and what if any conversations he has. 

He has not yet officially ended things with her- he says she will "figure it out" when he isn't "calling, texting, emailing" over these past 10 months since Dday. He says he wants Me and that he is incredibly sorry for ever getting involved with her in the first place. He has told me that he knows he acted in a very selfish manner and has been reflecting on his behavior since discovery. He knows now that HE pushed ME away and regrets it.

I've been telling him that she will start trying to contact him again once she thinks things have settled down, and he has said he didn't believe so. So now... She has recently started to text and email him again- and he hasn't responded. He has told me that he is starting to see what I have been saying all along, has agreed to "officially" end it- and has told me he wants me to be a witness when it happens (however he does it).

How do I know that he is truly "getting" it and not just trying to pull the wool over my eyes again? I want to believe him....and trust him..... but after what I have been through, my guard is up and I just can't. He tells me he understands that I don't trust him and that it will take a long time to get there...IF I ever get there. He has done so much hard work trying to make things "good" again between us. I feel somewhat guilty for not trusting that this is real. Has anyone else ever experienced this- and if so- how did you know that you were ready to take the risk of trusting again?

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blythespirit
i don't know if you ever really know for sure, I think you just have to start to take it on faith at some point.  And the way you describe your husband sounds very positive to me.  He's offering reassurance and taking your thoughts and feelings into consideration.  It sounds plausible to me that he just wanted her to go away, and get the message, without a definitive ending.  Not how you wanted him to handle it obviously.  But he's doing the right things now.  I would embrace that.  
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BrokenHearted
blythespirit wrote:
i don't know if you ever really know for sure, I think you just have to start to take it on faith at some point.  And the way you describe your husband sounds very positive to me.  He's offering reassurance and taking your thoughts and feelings into consideration.  It sounds plausible to me that he just wanted her to go away, and get the message, without a definitive ending.  Not how you wanted him to handle it obviously.  But he's doing the right things now.  I would embrace that.  


I do embrace all he has been doing. I am thankful that he comforts me when I have triggers- or just feel so overwhelmed that I think I just cannot go on. I want more than anything to get to a point where I stop feeling so darn insecure- and am able to show my appreciation for those things he is doing.  I just don't want to jump in too fast. I don't want to let my guard down and have things blow up in my face again.
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HML
The can of mistrust every cheating husband opens up is simply unforgettable and to think wives are expected to forgive is a far cry about what will happen for the next couple of years!!
Truat takes years to build and seconds to demolish and to re build maybe the next life on....... so whatever he does now is paying you back in repentance for the the joy and thrills he experienced so it is your turn to enjoy what he gave out that so rightfully should have been accorded to You.
Take your time to feel good about yourself and yes he has to make the amends to you so just enjoy it and there is no need to stop or think about him now being good to you..... that’s the price he is paying to he t h Good back into his life !! He has the choice to leave n make it out with the BaD I always say ..... heaps less trauma n pain for wives certainly dun need this crap!! Have fun for yourself and quit the worry remember he didn’t stop for one minute to worry about the consequences when he chose to betray so why would you even think he is trying his best now?? Try harder tell him..... you need more infact with the exact same passion he had for the affair...... and why not?? You took the wedding vows together and after so many years he decides to be fulfilled outside ??? Let him work hard for what he has done to you your turn to enjoy and quit thinking The marriage will ever be the same ever again.....it will absolutely never be ever the same forever  !!!!
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DorothyJane7
BrokenHearted wrote:


I do embrace all he has been doing. I am thankful that he comforts me when I have triggers- or just feel so overwhelmed that I think I just cannot go on. I want more than anything to get to a point where I stop feeling so darn insecure- and am able to show my appreciation for those things he is doing.  I just don't want to jump in too fast. I don't want to let my guard down and have things blow up in my face again.


brokenhearted, I feel this same way you've described and I don't even have the complicated factors about the AP you're dealing with. His is long gone. It's been a year and he has done almost everything right. I think the fact that we both feel insecure, have the instinct to protect ourselves, and be cautious means it's totally reasonable to feel that way! 

It's just a natural consequence of this betrayal. It truly rocks you to your core. I can't show appreciation for his efforts either. It's like I can't even enjoy this "new beginning" and his adoration much at all. Numbness, maybe. I feel paralyzed. 

Perhaps I'm just the slowest healer in history. Or maybe I'll never really get over it. Hope it's not the latter. 
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anthropoidape
I think it is entirely normal for it to take a very very long time for life to start feeling normal again. 

And even then it will always get interrupted from time to time. 

The damage is just enormous. Nobody can heal fast from it. Most people just quit the marriage (and are totally entitled to do so.) Some of us don't and that is the harder and less travelled road. 

There is all kinds of work to be done but criticising yourself for the pace of your healing is not part of it. That you are still there at all is a sign of perseverance. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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anthropoidape
I would say this though. I don't think success or failure depends on the WS fully getting it. They never will, ever. It is a much more complicated, asymmetrical relationship later. I think to an extent what has to match up is the commitment level. There will never be an empathy match up and there is a big chunk of life that you were both there for but had a completely different experience of. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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