I think the first thing is to figure out what you want. Then make sure he is aware of it.
Do not assume that he is like UrbanExplorer and will try to make a plan to make it easier for you both. It does not sound like he has a high level of emotional intelligence, so it is likely that his way of "dealing with it" is to put it in a box and bury it in the backyard. Which will mean that he either acts like it is just another anniversary like any other - or will not celebrate it at all for fear of upsetting you. Yes! He has done a few things for me, and ended up triggering me, and we have talked some about how this could be an extremely rough time, so I can definitely see him being scared to upset me.
ASSUME he does not know how to please/help you and give him the tools to be successful. If he then doesn't follow through, it is on him. But far too often they just don't know what to do - and are afraid to ask. So they handle it like THEY would prefer (which is usually burying it.) Oh my goodness, yes! And he handles things by clamming up or walking away. He's said often that if he's the source of my pain or anger, then he will just remove the source.
As far as what you want... explore lots of possibilities to see what feels good to you. For instance, many forum users have, like you, determined that their first marriage was dead and chose to get all new rings (or none), renew their vows, etc. In that case, maybe it would feel better to you to choose a NEW date. One that means something GOOD to you. I've known people who actually CELEBRATED the day the WS came clean because for them it was when TRUTH and HONESTY became a foundation in their relationship again. This really resonates with me. I've really been in the dead marriage, need a new one camp, but have really been struggling with what "new" meant for me. Quite frankly, in a lot of ways we had a good marriage, and I would be happy with that, but better, which is almost what we had now. The rings, on the other hand, represent a vow to me that he broke. Maybe the right thing for me is a mix of better marriage, and new rings to represent that, and maybe that's a good way to reclaim our anniversary, as a new commitment from each of us. This is going to take some thinking and soul searching, but thank you so much for the perspective!! I don't feel like I can choose a new date because he didn't have a period of "coming clean". I found out, though he never denied, and took full responsibility. However, I still feel like second choice because of that. That's something we will definitely have to talk over.
I felt a bit differently. I did not view my marriage as having died and then a new one started. I still wear my wedding ring (through I did remove it for a while.) Rather I took the Eastern approach of seeing it as something beautiful, but fragile, that was not treated with care and broke. It was repaired with gold - and now shows the marks of BOTH the damage - and the care with which it was repaired. I like this approach
As far as the work on your marriage, understanding why, etc. You really need to think about your boundaries around this. What you can live with and what you can not. I think a large number of WS would LOVE to just forget it all happened, promise to never do it again (with full intention, or at least hope, of keeping that promise) and just try to invest more in the marriage without looking at ANY of the reasons why they choose that particular solution for whatever they were feeling. Honestly - does anyone really WANT to look at the reasons behind the mistakes they've made? Self-reflection is rarely fun - and can sometimes bring to light things they've spent their lifetime trying to outrun.
So while I WISH that they all realized that this was critical to preserve the marriage - and for their own growth and happiness - and just DO IT with no prompting... it is rare at best. And most of those were women who already had at least some comfort level with therapy/contemplating emotional habits/patterns. Men are just NOT taught to do this. In many cases, they are SHAMED for doing it.
So if seeing your husband examine his particular "Whys" and learn more skills for understanding and communicating his emotions is critical to you being able to feel safe and fully recommit - then TELL HIM SO. And don't use flowery language - be kind but be blunt. And tell him what you need.
I had to do this with my husband. I believed him when he said it killed him to see what he'd done, that he regretted it, that it wasn't worth it, that he never, ever, ever wanted to hurt me like that again.
But I'd known him wayyyyy too long - and I knew that until he addressed some childhood issues and passive/aggressive tendencies, he wouldn't be able to SEE when he was going down that path until far too late. His trouble was that he wasn't even honest with HIMSELF. So even if he never CHEATED again - it would come out some other way... and I wasn't going to be by his side for the next time the voices of resentment and hurt got so loud that he acted out.
I told him that he had choices in HOW he did it... he/we could go to counseling, we could read books and discuss it together (or he could read it alone and then share his thoughts), we could take online course, or go to retreats... he had all the freedom in the world about how he got there. But the only way my 6 month increments were going to become a real commitment was if I saw TANGIBLE changes that ran deep AND were the product of self-reflection and insight that he could share with me.
It had nothing to do with making him into someone different - I just wanted him to be the most authentic version of himself. One that I could trust to be honest with ME about his needs, because he could could be honest with himself. It also had nothing to do with controlling him - it had everything to do with protecting ME.
This was not one conversation. I had to hold my ground on this MULTIPLE times over the first two years... when he'd start something and want to stop when it was getting too emotionally uncomfortable. Or the appointments were hard to work into his work schedule. etc. etc. I would always say, fine - we don't have to do it THIS way - but I don't feel safe yet. So you need to pick a different way. And we switched it up SEVERAL times.
I tried to be as flexible as I could while protecting MY interests. I did not condemn him for his discomfort. I even told him I understood - I wasn't enjoying everything I was having to look at either. But I held my ground. It was still necessary. I don't like getting cavities filled either - but I do it because the price for not is far, far greater in the long haul. Same concept.
So figure out what you need.. . in his self-growth/understanding, in your marriage and about your anniversary. Then be honest and clear about it.
Sorry that you are having to deal with this while you are creating a human being - that is doubly unfair.