Blessedby7
I've been really struggling lately with how to move past this.  We are now almost seven months past D-Day, and my self confidence is still shattered.  My WS is doing much right.  He's not doing anything that makes me feel unsafe, he's trying to be extra loving.  He's trying to be sensitive and tender to my moods, but it's just hard to let him in because if I say anything, then that makes HIM feel bad.  And I'm the type of person that I don't want to keep feeling like I'm throwing it in his face for him to constantly feel ashamed, or guilty, or whatever.  I KNOW he feels those things.  

However, within 48 hours of him being away from home, in what I thought was a happy marriage, he was screwing another woman.  A woman almost half my age.  A woman much more voluptuous than me, a woman in the midst of her EMT training, who worked on the same disaster relief team as he is on, who was in shape, pretty.  I'm a stay at home mom, out of shape (hello seven kids), and let's face it, I've never been much more than plain even on my best days.  Within a week or so, they were planning on running away together, with her kids.  She just had to get out of her marriage.  On our anniversary he woke up in bed with her, after planning a whole weekend with her.  He looked me in the eye and was excited about leaving for his "class".  He'd sit and chat with her on messenger while I was sitting next to him.  

Three days before I found out, I confronted him about his distance.  The next day she called off the affair because her husband was catching wind of it and she didn't want him using it against her to get the kids.  He came back two days later and said he was going to move out and get a place of his own.  The day after that I found out and confronted him, and suddenly he's choosing me.  He's sent her a quick message twice since then.  

How am I supposed to believe now, after all that, that I'm the one he loves?  How am I supposed to believe he now finds me attractive?  How am I supposed to truly believe I mean ANYTHING to him, other than his own comfort?  He told me 12 years ago he didn't love me anymore, and in the meantime never told me he did, and now suddenly, he does?  So this just showed him what he stands to lose?  He told her how beautiful she was constantly, how much he loved her, how much he wanted to be with her, but has a hard time telling me any of  that.  How's that supposed to make me feel?  Like I'm suddenly something special to him?  

How can he possibly say he loves me, and do all this?  There were literally SO MANY reminders of us in his affair.  When he was gone for that week (and sleeping with her) I send him goodnight messaged EVERY night of our toddler, whom he is really attached to.  Her name is the SAME NAME AS OUR DAUGHTER!  *HE* planned our anniversary weekend with HER.  Her birthday is the same day as our oldest son!  How am I supposed to get past that issue of him constantly being reminded of us, and yet still choosing her?  And suddenly he chooses me after he's busted?  

He truly is trying, I know he is, but I think we really need help to get past this.  I can't afford a counselor and haven't found one yet that takes our insurance.  I think *I* need help to get past this, if this is going to work.  I now some of this is pregnancy hormones, but I am due right in the midst of the one year anniversary of his affair.  I'm scared to death that postpartum hormones on top of our anniversary and then D-day, I'm going to spiral out of control if I don't work past some of this now.

When you've given up everything for your spouse, literally everything to make a good marriage, and then they do this, so blatantly choosing the OW, how do you fix that?  How do you find yourself if who you are has always been wife and mother?  How do you feel worth something again, when you've felt worthless to the one person for so long?  Can this truly be fixed?  I do want it to, now that I see the man he can be, but sometimes I still can't even look at him.  How do you fall in love again?  How do you look at your spouse and see the good in them, when all you can see is what caused all the pain?
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018

Renewing myself one day at a time. 
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Vanessa
I am so sorry you are going through this - and pregnant! UGH
there is a lot in your message, so let's break it down
          "He's trying to be sensitive and tender to my moods, but it's just hard to let him in because if I say anything, then that makes HIM feel bad.  And I'm the type of person that I don't want to keep feeling like I'm throwing it in his face for him to constantly feel ashamed, or guilty, or whatever.  I KNOW he feels those things. "
        I am not trying to be a hard *&^ but you really don't KNOW he feels those things - you may hope or assume he feels those things - but you can never truly KNOW what another person is thinking or feeling.  But even if he is feeling all those feelings that is not the point.  The point is he risked your health, the health of your unborn child and the financial security of your beloved children so he could have fun.  Now he has to do the ACTIONS, not the feelings to make things right.
    "However, within 48 hours of him being away from home, in what I thought was a happy marriage, he was screwing another woman. "  The fact that he felt entitled to do that is the crux of the problem.
    "A woman much more voluptuous than me, a woman in the midst of her EMT training, a woman WHO SLEEPS WITH MARRIED MEN." voluptuous, training, etc is irrelevant. what matters is character.  And you have it - she is willing to sleep with a married man within 48 hours? 
     "How am I supposed to believe now, after all that, that I'm the one he loves?  How am I supposed to believe he now finds me attractive?  How am I supposed to truly believe I mean ANYTHING to him, other than his own comfort?  He told me 12 years ago he didn't love me anymore, and in the meantime never told me he did, and now suddenly, he does? "
This is the most important point.  What are his ACTIONS saying to you - are they in line with his words.
What do YOU want from life?  Is having a husband who behaves this way acceptable to you?  Trust must be earned and after the huge betrayal he committed it will take a long time for him to earn it back.  Some WS learn a difficult lesson when Dday eventually happens.  And some just get better at hiding things.  You are in a difficult situation with no easy answers.  But I would advise you to work on the only person you can really control - you.  Start putting YOURSELF first once in a while (I know it's not easy with all those kids) But if he can find the time and money to have an affair, you can have a spa day once in a while - or have him watch the kids while you host a book club meeting - whatever you can do to be kind to yourself and do a little something for YOU. 
I hope you find peace and happiness on this difficult journey

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hurting
I totally agree with Vanessa- you don’t know that he feels ANY of those things. He could be screaming that he feels all of that and more, butt naked from the roof and I would STILL not really believe it. 

All that can be observed are his actions. And even then, it will take a LOT of consistent action without screwing up to even start believing again.

re: letting him in... I’m not sure if/when you should do that. Tim has an article about having two guards to your heart- and making sure that neither of those are let down till you can answer two important questions about where your WS is in the relationship. Might be worth looking that one up. 

Re: who/what she is- she doesn’t matter. She does not deserve to exist in your world. How she looks, what she does, none of that matters or changes what YOU are. Of course having been betrayed absolutely shatters your self confidence. But let’s look at it another way: your husband didn’t cheat because he thought you are out of shape or plain or whatever. NONE of those things are reason to cheat. He cheated because he wanted to, and because of his own poor boundaries, morals and lack of integrity. The OW was merely a means. She too obviously has issues of her own, with some pretty questionable morals and integrity going on there given she was cheating on her husband and ALSO putting the futures of her children at risk. What kind of mother does that?! 

Let’s break it down more. Do you really believe that your WS wouldn’t have cheated if he had not met THIS particular AP? Do you think there was something special about her? Or do you think HE was prone to acting out like that? 

I’m inclined to think it is an issue with the WS. He had known her for all of 48h. How well can you ‘know’ somebody and come to the conclusion that they’re ‘special’ in 48h? You can’t. 

He probably would’ve cheated with any willing participant to be honest. I know that’s how I view what my WS did. The AP could’ve been ANYBODY. She was just the convenient whore who was loose enough to open her legs. And stupid enough to keep letting him back. 

YOU are not this person. Nor should you want to be. Stand tall and know that you are someone with morals, who can stand by their word. Know that you are strong. That you’re amazing to have raised 7 kids!! That you’re incredible for still looking forward when you’re pregnant. She doesn’t deserve to stand in your shadow. Change your focus to seeing what you are, and loving yourself. 
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HangingOn
This wasn’t about you.  That is a mantra I have to chant frequently.  I had to learn first to love myself and really work HARD to convince myself none of this dirt and disgust is mine to own.  My WS picked someone 8 years younger than his daughter, 35 years younger than himself.  Young, bleached hair, tattoos, piercings you name it...lovely.  A student of his.  His 2nd partner looks like a garden nome and was 30 years younger and also a student.  I’m sure they had so much to talk about.  They are younger than him in disgusting numbers, my age really does not matter.  The issues that lead to the choice to cheat have nothing to do with the “object” of their desire.  My WSs partners were so far out there sometimes I’m thankful it wasn’t a goat!  They didn’t matter as people to him, only his needs mattered and those needs have NOTHING to do with me.  I was doing my part.  My problem is I find him pathetic for his choice and respecting him is a huge challenge.  He too is doing everything he can to BE a great husband except dealing with his deep seeded issues that his guilt and shame have only compounded, and getting vulnerable to help our marriage heal.  I can’t consider trust until he makes the effort.  I’ve let him know I’m here and ready but the ball is in his court.  Take care of you, heal you.  You have a lot on your plate and you are a rockstar.  Prayers for you and your clan.  One hour at a time.😬
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Blessedby7
You guys are right, I know you are. 

I can't *know* how he's feeling, you guys are right about that, but he is trying, really he us. Is he doing everything right? No, but he is trying to.

As for comparing myself to her, I know I'm the bigger woman here, I mean, like you guys said, I've had plenty of reasons over and over again to have an affair, to walk away, and I haven't. Look what she did? And its *at least* her second affair. But I still have a hard time looking in the mirror and not seeing her pretty face compared to me, tired, worn out, plain old me.  

What it really boils down to, for me, is I've always felt unworthy, plain, ultimately unwanted, or at least unnecessary.  Heck, my own mother served ten years in prison for abuse and neglect, even she didn't want me. How do I get past THAT?  Because for me, that's the real problem here.  How do you find love for yourself when this has pretty much been your life?  

He screws up again, I'm gone. I'm not doing this again. It would absolutely break my heart to take the kids away from him, but ultimately, that's his choice. 

I just want, for once in my life, to feel cherished. He used to be good at that. And he's trying to again, but im so broken I feel like I just can't receive it. 

I am working on me, or trying to. I'm working on finishing my childbirth educator certification, and trying to work on my businesses, but daily life with a needy toddler gets in the way.  I'm trying to find happiness in myself *without* him, so maybe, if he continues in the way he's going, I can find happiness *with* him. 

Ugh, I feel like I'm all over the place. Probably hormones. 😏
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018

Renewing myself one day at a time. 
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Keepabuzz
 Another point here is that you’re only 7 months out from d-day, sadly that is still very early in this painful process. I didn’t even begin to feel better until after a year, and even then I just barely began to feel the slightest bit like there was a chance to ever heal.  

It really doesn’t matter if HE feels bad when you say anything about it. He SHOULD feel bad constantly, he should be riddled with deep shame, guilt, and remorse. Don’t feel bad or guilty, and not talk about anything because of its effects on him.  He needs to tend to your needs, and man up to help heal the damage he has done. I agree with others that you don’t and will never “know” how he feels, or what he thinks. He IS a liar, cheater, and an abuser. Those are facts. He will prove himself one way or the other by ACTIONS, lots, and lots, and lots of ACTIONS. He could prove himself to be safe for you, or he will prove himself to be unsafe for you. The ball is in his court. 

I know exactly how you feel about your self confidence being shattered. My wife’s AP was 23, she was 37. Our son was 20, so they were actually in high school at the same time. 🤮. He is a gym rat, so he has big muscles, although does have a bit of a gut, and all tatted up too.  As I found out after d-day, he was known as a bit of a prick, and also possessed far less than an average intelligence. I was 40 at the time, have a bit of a beer belly, but I would say my looks are about average. I have worked my a$$ off my whole life, and have done well for myself and my family. We own a large historic home, drive nice vehicles, go on nice vacations, my wife was able to stay home with our kids until they all went to school. I a heck of a provider, an exceptional father, I have a quick wit, and a great sense of humor, possess a higher than average intelligence, I am a good person, with a strong sense of loyalty and integrity, also I’m NOT known as a prick... But not making comparisons is impossible. But what the reality of life is this - it’s not this or that that we choose our mate by. It’s the complete package. There is always someone that is more physically attractive, or more money, bigger boobs, etc.  I dated women when I was younger that many would say is more physically attractive than my wife, not that she isn’t physically attractive. But there were other things about them they weren’t for me. Some didn’t have a really caring heart. Some were a bit selfish. Some weren’t very smart. Some were entitled, etc, etc, etc. None of them were for me.  I had to find the right combination for me.  

Another way to look at it is this: Ferrari’s are really nice. They go fast, look really sexy. They are also very expensive, maintenance costs are very high as well. So is insurance.  They are not great for winter driving, speed bumps, potholes, or really driving any day without perfect weather. You can’t put car seats for kids in there. Most importantly, they don’t do well with high mileage! There are only good for minimal use as a toy. Much like many of the other women I dated before marriage. I had a lot of fun, but when it started to rain, they were of no use. I wanted a very nice vehicle still though, but the ferraris’ weren’t for me. So I found a different model. I found a very nice car. But this car was good in all weather, and I felt this car had the right components that would allow me to keep it for a very long time, hopefully the rest of my life. Over the years that car got some dings and dents, just as I did. Not that all times were easy, sometimes she wasn’t that great to me, there were tough times, but no matter how much it sucked at times, we were together, until that car let some other junkier check her oil!  Ah but I digress. Any person your with is a compromise, as it is on their part too because none of us are perfect.  Now my compromise has added to the equation that my betrayed me in every way possible, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, and sexually abused me.  

All of this is the toughest pill pill to swallow, I know. Your husband needs to say the right things, but far more importantly DO the right things and show you with his actions that his actions match his words consistently, not for a while, but forever. I can imagine that is also a tough road for the WS, but that really doesn’t matter because it SHOULD be hard. It should be the hardest thing they have ever had to do.  It’s the worst offense that the majority of them have ever committed. Your husband need to sit in his shame, and support you through YOUR pain that HE caused. If he won’t do that, then that’s pretty telling in my mind. If my wife had pulled that card, her next card would have been a ”change of address” form.....
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Vanessa
Keep, your post reminded me of a thought shortly after Dday - If Tom Cruise (Brad Pitt, Robert Redford, insert age appropriate celebrity "hunk") had walked up to me and said "vanessa, I never knew you existed, but now that I have met you, my life would never be complete without you in it. Please run away with me for a life of luxury and privilege."  I would have refused.  Because I loved my husband and some gorgeous guy was not enough for me to start un-loving the man I wanted to grow old with.  I think that is what defines REAL grown up love - an unwaivering commitment between two imperfect people.  My WS was not capable of that.  He thought of relationships more like I think of employer-employee relationships "What have you done for me lately?"
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ThrivenotSurvive
Blessedby7 wrote:

I just want, for once in my life, to feel cherished. He used to be good at that. And he's trying to again, but im so broken I feel like I just can't receive it. 

I am working on me, or trying to. I'm working on finishing my childbirth educator certification, and trying to work on my businesses, but daily life with a needy toddler gets in the way.  I'm trying to find happiness in myself *without* him, so maybe, if he continues in the way he's going, I can find happiness *with* him. 


Actually you are quite wise and know exactly what you need - self-love.  That you are capable of seeing that, and acknowledging that it is nearly impossible to let in more love than we feel worthy of, is HUGE.  It's a step a lot of people can't make.  

If there is any way for you to get individual counseling, it'd be great.  The way you feel about yourself has nothing to do with reality.  For instance, my daughter is objectively beautiful by societies standards. Like, model-level beauty.  But she has body dysmorphia and can not see what anyone else sees.  She only sees flaws...

You are likely doing the same thing.  But it wouldn't matter anyway, because we all know people who are not as aesthetically "perfect" but have self-confidence and self-love.  And those people's eyes twinkle, they radiate sexiness and joy that is far more magnetic that just the "perfect" cheekbones or size waist.  

If you can't afford therapy, get books about rebuilding self-confidence and start making time for you.  A book that helped me focus on my best qualities and rebuild my self-confidence after DD was Living and Loving after Intimate Betrayal by Steven Strosny.  If that one doens't work for you, keep searching for one or more that do.  Think back to hobbies you did when you were younger that you enjoyed or that you've always wanted to try.  For me it was dancing... for you it might be running, or a book club, or learning a second language.  I know with 7 kids it will be hard... but your husband should support ANYTHING that helps you expand yourself.  

Remembering and reconnecting to the WOMAN you are, rather than just your roles (mother and wife) will help start to bring back your sparkle and your joy.  That is your job right now.  When you feel good about yourself, everything else becomes easier.  You will be able to trust in the love your receive - or sense what is not genuine.  But it all starts with you.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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BeginAgain
I can identify with a lot of what you said here, as I have struggled with issues of self worth for most of my life. My parents were also extremely abusive and it really left me with no self esteem whatsoever. It turned me into a people pleaser. My best friend used to call me her 'go to' person, as I used to go above and beyond for the people in my life, I suppose in an effort to try and prove my worth/win their affection. It led to a lot of situations where I felt compelled to do things I didn't really want to, because I didn't want to disappoint the people in my life. Now I recognise the lack of boundaries I lived with and what an overwhelmingly negative effect it had not only on my marriage, but my life as a whole. I often felt used, but still couldn't say no.

I also struggle with feeling physically inferior. I gained a lot of weight over the years (eating my feelings) and reached a point where I never even looked in the mirror anymore, because I didn't like what I saw. I dressed in comfortable clothing, didn't bother with my hair. It all felt very pointless. She, on the other hand, is fairly shapely and dresses professionally. Hair and make up always on pointe. 

In the almost four months since D-day I've started some new habits, for myself, to boost my own self esteem. I went out and bought a whole new closet full of clothing. All the dowdy clothing is gone. I bought a whole drawer full of feminine, lacy underwear. The granny panties are gone! It makes such a difference to me to know that what I'm wearing under my clothing makes me feel so soft and feminine, even if no one else can see it. It's for me, to boost my self confidence. Granted, I don't look like a supermodel in it, but it still makes me feel good. Feeling that I look neat and fairly stylish also is a huge boost. I no longer want to blend into the background. I'm okay with being seen and I hold my head high.

I never used to wear make up. I didn't own any. At first, when I started wearing make up, I struggled with feeling like I was trying to emulate her, because she needed a hammer and chisel to chip off her make up at night. But I'm doing it for me, to make the best of what I have and boost my own self confidence. It takes me 5 minutes to apply a little bit of eyeshadow, mascara and eyeliner every morning. My husband commented that he loves my make up; it's not too overdone. I did make a snarky comment about how he must like heavy make up, because his whore probably doesn't even look like the same person once the warpaint comes off. Couldn't help that one. But what little I do makes me feel like a million bucks.

Lastly, I've started wearing jewellery again. For years I went without. Now it has become part of my routine to put on a bracelet or bangle and a ring. I even coordinate my jewellery with my outfits - who knew?! I went and had a haircut for the first time in literally years - no more buns. I've also lost some weight, and I'm starting on an exercise program today.

All of this is superficial, yes. But it gives me the necessary lift to actually feel good about myself, even if I know I'm still not an oil painting. It's a small step here and there to reclaim the person I lost along the way and becoming the woman I want to be, and it doesn't depend on anyone's approval.

My husband also told me a couple of years ago that he didn't love me anymore. We were separated for several months, before he asked me to come back home and when I did, the dynamics of the relationship had shifted to a place where he was in total control. For years my wants and needs didn't matter. For years I felt unwanted and unloved. It was an open wound that was never dealt with or acknowledged and it culminated in his affair. 

Post affair and especially since D-day, my husband has been absolutely devoted to me. He tells me several times a day how much he loves me. I also asked him, why now? Why, if you didn't love me before, do you love me now? Why did you have to betray me to see my worth?

I believe he grew up. Finally. I believe the trauma and heartbreak of the affair and its aftermath forced him to let go of his selfish, childish motivations. It forced him to grow up, accept responsibility not only for his choices and actions, but for his life. He is finally a man any woman could be proud of.

Eventhough it's still unbearably hard sometimes, I believe he has changed because I see and feel it every day. He is in no way even remotely similar to the man he has been for the past couple of years. It doesn't mean that I completely trust him or that I've forgiven him - for the affair or the way he treated me for so long. I feel that I'm not just working to heal the wounds of the affair, but also the wounds he inflicted on me over the past couple of years with how cruelly he treated me. Seeing how humble and contrite he is and how hard he is working for us is helping to heal me one step at a time.
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hurting
I’m glad you are seeing changes in your WS. I would still be wary and guard my heart closely. 7 months out is very early into this mess. Hopefully he continues the way he is going and does not disappoint you further.

I am even more glad to hear of the changes you have made for yourself and the things you have done for you. You are on the right path of self care... and working on some of the pre-existing issues you’ve identified seems like the thing you need to do. Keep loving yourself and looking after yourself. I too, went out and got my hair redone and styled. I bought myself pretty jewellery that I could enjoy without it being associated with my WS.

Remember- she doesn’t matter. What her face looked like, how nicely she had her hair and make up done... that is purely as a superficial mask she wears. It certainly doesn’t mean she is ‘better’ than you are. I always have female colleagues at work exclaiming over how ‘fresh’ and ‘good’ I look at the end of a night shift... including during the weeks to months post d-day. You would know how much I felt the complete opposite of that. Just because my make up is on right, does not mean ANYTHING underneath that is ok. A superficial mask is all it is. A completely worthless superficial mask which conveys NOTHING of what is going on underneath it all. 

IMO, You’re doing great. I was a bloody mess at 7 months. That you are managing so much grace and insight at 7 months in complete with pregnancy hormones is honestly amazing to me.
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Blessedby7
Keep, as always, your post means a lot.  Believe it or not, your "other way of looking at it" is really helpful.  I feel better looking at it that way.  As pretty as a ferrari is, I don't much care for them. ;-)

Vanessa, I very much agree with you on the employer/employee relationship.  The night I told him I was leaving him (after kicking him out and letting him back twice after D-day, long story) I explained to him that, for the last 12 years, I was basically a service dog to him.  I was wanted and loved on as long as I was working for him.  But just like a dog he had no problem shooing me away when it wasn't convenient for him.  Heck, like I told him, most people love their dogs more than he loved me.  I think that was the conversation that finally got through to him.  Now he does try to put me first.  He's not great at it yet, but he's trying to learn.

Thrive, I completely agree!  I am pretty sure that describes me perfectly.  I've never been able to see myself the way others say they see me, I just don't see how.  In high school I was 125 lbs, and seriously thought I was chubby.  Three of my daughters are 130 or more, and I look at them, and they are gorgeous.  I can see that, obviously, for me to be my height and weight then, I had to have been super skinny, yet I definitely couldn't see that.  It's definitely something I need to work on if I'm ever going to be comfortable in my own skin.  I will order that book now, thank you for the suggestion.

BeginAgain - Yes!  I need to ask him those same questions!  He's getting pretty good at showing me, and I know words mean so little, but I really do need to hear it from him.  That's the part he struggles with most, telling me.  I wonder, since he went so long (12 years) without saying those things to me, NEVER saying he loved me, never complimenting me, never telling me I meant anything to him, but he said those things so easily to her, I wonder if it's like I trigger for him now.  If I'm flooding bad, and I say something, he will tell me he loves me, or if I say it first, but he doesn't say it on his own.  Honestly, that's probably the one thing now I need from him.  But, I guess I can see how that would trigger him as well.  It's definitely something he will have to work on.

Hurting - I am still wary and guarded, for sure.  I don't trust him at all, not sure when i will, if ever fully.  I am at the point now where, if he goes back to the way he was, I'm gone.  In God's eyes, Biblically, after all those years of hurting and wanting to leave, but I didn't feel like I could, he of all people gave me my out.  I do not feel obligated to stay, except for the kids, and for them, only to a point  They are the only reason I am making as much of an effort as I am.  But for them, as well as myself, I know I need to heal myself as well. 

Thank you all.  I'm sure you know how much you've helped me because you are here, and I'm sure others have helped you in the same way.  Though I absolutely detest what this has done to all of us, I'm thankful we are here together to walk hand in hand through this.  I don't think anyone can help so much as someone who knows just how deep and wide the pain is.
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018

Renewing myself one day at a time. 
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arizons
hurting wrote:


He probably would’ve cheated with any willing participant to be honest. I know that’s how I view what my WS did. The AP could’ve been ANYBODY. She was just the convenient whore who was loose enough to open her legs. And stupid enough to keep letting him back. 

 
 
I believe this to be true of my WS as well. and LOOKS and AGE have nothing to do with it. My husbands ex-Sea hag is old enough to be his grandmother and twice our ages!! But she was available and willing.....
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
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BeginAgain
arizons wrote:
 
I believe this to be true of my WS as well. and LOOKS and AGE have nothing to do with it. My husbands ex-Sea hag is old enough to be his grandmother and twice our ages!! But she was available and willing.....


I struggle with this a lot. The woman my husband cheated on me with was nothing like I would have imagined. I would never in a million years dream he would even be interested in a woman like her. His affair was interracial. It's one of my biggest triggers and wherever we go, I look at women that are similar to her in appearance and wonder whether she wore her hair like that or was she a similar built to that woman. It makes it very difficult for me to go out in public, because I'm so overwhelmed with triggers by the end of it, that I'm either a sobbing mess or furious.

If she were special in some way, I sometimes think it would make a difference. If they connected in some way, if they had built a relationship and got to know each other. Would that make it better or worse? They barely even knew each other a week before she sent him the first provocative message, and he was all over it. It kicked off without hesitation. He was presented with an opportunity by someone who stroked his ego and he just went for it. It didn't matter who she was. It didn't matter what she looked like or what her story was. She made it clear she was willing and he was open to it. Isn't that just disgusting? 

If it is true that it could have been anyone... what does it really say about them? Their morals and integrity? It must be true though, because in hindsight my husband can't answer as to why he nearly destroyed our marriage and destroyed my sense of self for this particular woman. He never bothered to learn anything about her. She was a stranger to him. He doesn't know the names or ages of her kids. He doesn't know when her birthday is. He doesn't know what her likes or dislikes are, what she likes to eat, what she likes to do in her free time - other than screw around with married men. Other than work, he didn't know what to talk to her about. He describes their interactions as awkward.

Although he told her he loved her, he says he never felt it. He just said it because she said it first. Because he was caught up in how the things she said to him made him feel. He says he never intended for things to go as far as it did, he just didn't know how to say no to her. He was afraid of the repercussions to his job if she became vindictive. I can see this happening, him getting involved in something he can't control. But he is the one who allowed it to go that far. He is the one who opened the door to make it a possibility.
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hurting
@BeginAgain, I glimpsed the bottom of your last post and I actually had to check I hadn’t written that myself.

My WS too, SAYS he never knew the AP well. He knew she liked salt lamps and beaches. And maybe animals (because who doesn’t?). He didn’t know what she likes to eat (umm maybe Salad. Or McDonalds. Wth? Those two answers are night and day lol). Or her favourite colour. Or flower. Or anything really. He too, told her he loved her ‘because she said it first’. They talked about work. Except he doesn’t really know what she does LOL (she worked for some insurance company is as much as he knew). And maybe the weather (gosh... how deep and meaningful!). Mine knows roughly what part of the year her birthday is in (coz he had to send gifts to get into her pants), but doesn’t know the actual month... or date. Good old Facebook (and I suppose she) made sure he knew when it happened.

I almost wonder whether there’s a book of prescribed lies that the WS like to tell after being caught out. They must feel certain answers are less damaging? Or maybe they really all are that stupid, self gratifying, lacking in boundaries and self control and generally immoral. I’m not sure. It really is quite disgusting.

My WS went for someone of the same race. On one hand, I was actually genuinely offended that he found THAT attractive. Seriously?! I wanted to make him go for an eye test. On the other hand, it made ME feel strangely UNATTRACTIVE (despite my above reaction), because he clearly decided that I wasn’t ‘as good/attractive’ as she is. I remember complaining to a friend that I actually felt OFFENDED that he dared to cheat on me with someone who is uglier and inferior!
Some of my friends offered the validation I was looking for: ‘yeah she’s nothing special/ugly/wtf is your husband BLIND?!’

Only one response was truly insightful- ‘why are you bothering to even look at her? She doesn’t matter’.

It took me time to really see how right my friend was. Her attractiveness to him was in that she was literally loose, willing and different. She merely fulfilled the criteria of being someone who would stroke his ego and was willing to sleep around.

Whether I’m with or separated from my husband, I will NEVER be either of those two things she was willing to be. THAT’S what makes me better than her. No matter what she does or doesn’t look like. No matter what I do or don’t look like. I am the better person and a better woman. BECAUSE I have strength. I have morals and honour. I have INTEGRITY. And I am not a cheater or a whore, no matter how many offers have been made to me. At one stage, I would have propositions on a fortnightly basis, from totally different people! My WS KNEW how many people I turned down for him. And he goes and does THIS at the first opportunity. His decisions, lack of boundaries and weakness is truly mind bogglingly pathetic to me...
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BeginAgain
hurting wrote:
@BeginAgain, I glimpsed the bottom of your last post and I actually had to check I hadn’t written that myself.

My WS too, SAYS he never knew the AP well. He knew she liked salt lamps and beaches. And maybe animals (because who doesn’t?). He didn’t know what she likes to eat (umm maybe Salad. Or McDonalds. Wth? Those two answers are night and day lol). Or her favourite colour. Or flower. Or anything really. He too, told her he loved her ‘because she said it first’. They talked about work. Except he doesn’t really know what she does LOL (she worked for some insurance company is as much as he knew). And maybe the weather (gosh... how deep and meaningful!). Mine knows roughly what part of the year her birthday is in (coz he had to send gifts to get into her pants), but doesn’t know the actual month... or date. Good old Facebook (and I suppose she) made sure he knew when it happened.

I almost wonder whether there’s a book of prescribed lies that the WS like to tell after being caught out. They must feel certain answers are less damaging? Or maybe they really all are that stupid, self gratifying, lacking in boundaries and self control and generally immoral. I’m not sure. It really is quite disgusting.

My WS went for someone of the same race. On one hand, I was actually genuinely offended that he found THAT attractive. Seriously?! I wanted to make him go for an eye test. On the other hand, it made ME feel strangely UNATTRACTIVE (despite my above reaction), because he clearly decided that I wasn’t ‘as good/attractive’ as she is. I remember complaining to a friend that I actually felt OFFENDED that he dared to cheat on me with someone who is uglier and inferior!
Some of my friends offered the validation I was looking for: ‘yeah she’s nothing special/ugly/wtf is your husband BLIND?!’

Only one response was truly insightful- ‘why are you bothering to even look at her? She doesn’t matter’.

It took me time to really see how right my friend was. Her attractiveness to him was in that she was literally loose, willing and different. She merely fulfilled the criteria of being someone who would stroke his ego and was willing to sleep around.

Whether I’m with or separated from my husband, I will NEVER be either of those two things she was willing to be. THAT’S what makes me better than her. No matter what she does or doesn’t look like. No matter what I do or don’t look like. I am the better person and a better woman. BECAUSE I have strength. I have morals and honour. I have INTEGRITY. And I am not a cheater or a whore, no matter how many offers have been made to me. At one stage, I would have propositions on a fortnightly basis, from totally different people! My WS KNEW how many people I turned down for him. And he goes and does THIS at the first opportunity. His decisions, lack of boundaries and weakness is truly mind bogglingly pathetic to me...


I believe my husband doesn't know anything about her, because there never was any time to get to know her. They spent day and night sexting, him sitting right next to me and not even bothering to look up when I tried to speak to him. He genuinely can't answer any personal questions about her. The whole affair lasted less than a month. He met her the end of October when he started at the new contract; days later they were sexting. They had sex the third week in November and he ended it a couple of days later. Thereafter she harassed him until January when it all came out.

I too have known two men in the past year where I knew for a fact that if I pursued their attention, it would have turned into something. Despite the fact that I felt so down on myself and was nothing special to look at. I asked my husband afterwards, do you really think I couldn't have done something with either if I had really wanted to? But though I noticed the opportunity, it never even crossed my mind to pursue it. These were men that I had gotten to know and cared for. We shared something in common. And then my husband went out and started an affair with a random whore he knew nothing about. It really stings.
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