Courage
I just read a post about an enraged BS. It sounded quite severe but some of it I can relate. When I'm in serious pain, I too can lash out and say hurtful things. It's almost like I'm out of control. I tell myself before hand not to blow, but I guess if he says things that I don't like, all my planning to cope flies out the window... And fast!!
I think I need to listen to Tim's conference again about anger!!
Any strategies you use that helps would be greatly appreciated!!
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TimT
In addition to what I already said about dealing with anger, let me make a few other points...

1. Expect out-of-control anger in the beginning.
Before I had an affair, I never experienced outbursts of rage from my wife. Anger was expressed in different ways. But once the pain of betrayal was felt, she said things that I'm sure she had never said before (and probably not since). Whatever capacity the betrayed partner has to control what is said and done, they should exercise it. But I don't think it does too much good to expect that kind of control in the immediate aftermath.

2. If anger/rage settled into a pattern, that pattern needs to be broken.
Anger is destructive. There are better ways of honestly expressing fear, shame, and hurt. But if a person is unable to control angry outbursts, I think it is best for the couple to create some boundaries/distance for a while until some control over this emotion can be gained. It's hard to gain control of anger if it is constantly being triggered.

3. Changing an anger pattern isn't just about avoiding angry outbursts. It's also important to do the right kind of repair after anger has been inappropriately expressed. This is an issue that is sometime difficult to discuss with betrayed spouses because they often hold on to a "right to be angry" with an expectation that the unfaithful partner is getting what they deserve and should just put up with it. But an angry person needs to eventually accept responsibility for their own reaction. So when fear, powerlessness, shame, or pain come out in rage, the best thing to do is acknowledge that as an unhealthy response (one that hurts rather than helps the relationship) and apologize for it instead of justifying it.

On the other side of angry rage, two things should be expressed by the person who allowed anger to be damaging: (a) "Forgive me for _____" with very specific reference to what was said or done that they regret. (b) "Here's how I wish I would have responded..." with a clear description of the way you WANT to learn to respond. 

In no way to I want to suggest that a right response is simply to "grin and bare it." Real intimacy is established when we have vulnerable, honest conversations about deep feelings, but we learn to say those things without tearing down the other person.
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Courage
the other side of angry rage, two things should be expressed by the person who allowed anger to be damaging: (a) "Forgive me for _____" with very specific reference to what was said or done that they regret. (b) "Here's how I wish I would have responded..." with a clear description of the way you WANT to learn to respond. "

This Tim is what I am aiming for. But... It's not always easy to speak these kinds of things once the rage has surpassed. I guess part of me still feels he deserves it. He's dragged this hellish recovery process out for 18 months bc of his lies. And each lie I've known instinctually that he was lying. He knew I was digging, he listened to me cry and beg hundreds of times to tell me the truth- he watched while I suffered and now I'm supposed to control my anger??!! I know- if I want to save my marriage, the steps above outline what I should do. Perhaps the fact that I'm struggling with that tells me I don't want my marriage as much as I thought.
Not sure.
Thx for the response. I'm reflecting heavily on it- on the far side of rage it all makes complete sense- but removing the strong emotion from it is difficult.
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TimT
Courage wrote:
...It's not always easy to speak these kinds of things once the rage has surpassed. I guess part of me still feels he deserves it. He's dragged this hellish recovery process out for 18 months bc of his lies...

If the choice is between ongoing angry responses and separation, I encourage separation (even if temporary). It's healthier for everyone.
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Bahar
Courage , when I get mad I say a prayers and my body is light . I say this " oh the alive , the eternal , by your mercy I m pleading for rescue . " then I close my eyes and breath for few seconds . It worked for me , i hope you can find something to heal you. Im sorry for your pain .
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