It takes a huge amount of self-control and forward-thinking not to take revenge. It also speaks volumes to everyone who knows you, and to your own conscience, that you make the choice every day not to take revenge. The fact that two people have made choices that have blown our world apart, and yet we can make a choice not to do the same to them, it shows an enormous amount of integrity and strength of character, something we should all be proud of.
Instead, I sent the diary to my ex. Just so he would know I had read it, but had then made the choice to return it back to him. The satisfaction that gave me was far sweeter than any revenge.
Wow. You are so right that it takes a a huge amount of self-control. And very, very well played. I think the thing that helped me the most in the early time after DD when my anger was off the charts and I felt like proving red-heads are really witches (lol) was a book I'd read "Loving and Living After Betrayal". The author made some really good points about how best to rebuild your self-confidence and self-worth after a devastating betrayal. One of these was writing out all the qualities you embodied (or wanted to embody) that made you feel good about yourself (I am a person of integrity. I am kind. etc.) Then post these to where you can see them and every time you are thinking about doing/saying something look at it and ask yourself, does this action support who I want to be? Taking my focus away from the AP and my WH (wanting to punish them for who they'd chosen to be) and putting it on ME, really, really helped me. Did it suddenly banish all the "conversations" in my head with the AP? No. Did it suddenly make all the revenge fantasies go away? No. But it did give me a tool to refocus myself, ABSOLUTELY. And after a while it almost became a reflex. As many neuroscientists say "The thoughts that fire together, wire together." I found that following the thoughts of revenge with an exercise of refocusing on myself and the fact that I ALONE could control who I was in this world, made me go from a feeling of being dis-empowered to feeling powerful. No one else could control me. No one could take away who I am/was. I don't know if that approach will work for anyone else, but I think it played a large role in why I feel happy and whole again (plus TIME and lots of other soul-searching work - this stuff ain't for the faint of heart.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child DD May 2016 “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl