Skelling
It came up a few times here already. Best revenge is to live well... which may be true but doesn't seem to help in the moment. Part of me wants to see the "positive", the "rationale" behind the affair and "understand" the AP, which would lead to forgiving her. The other part in me very much struggles with the fact that this person has done it before, most likely will do it again and doesn't learn from it. This person lives her life as if nothing ever happened no consequences nothing. Its like going in a glass shop breaking all the china and walking out saying ooops my bad. There is no remorse no apology nothing just complete ignorance to what they have done and that is really hard for me to accept.
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Keepabuzz
It’s tough to deal with for sure. I certainly had (still do at times) lots of revenge thoughts (and actual plans). I really could have destroyed my wife’s AP, and most of those were “legal”.  What really helped me was to think of what would happen next. What would come of it?  What price would “I” have to pay for that revenge?

One example (of many), I certainly could have (and really, really wanted to) go beat him to a pulp. There was a chance that he would take because he had it coming, and never been seen or heard from again. BUT, there was a higher likelihood that he would call the police, sue me in court, all of it would come out into the public, my children would know about everything, etc, etc, etc.  What if my blind uncontrollable rage didn’t allow me to stop when “it was enough”, what I went too far and killed him?  What would my kids think of me? He certainly isn’t worth prison time. Although, if I knew for sure that I would only go to jail for a few weeks for beating him up, I would have used my vacation happily!  Lol

I could have hurt his career in quite a few ways. I have the contacts in the right places. But again, what price would I have to pay.  I could have let everyone in his life knows just what garbage he is. I had gathered all the contact info I needed. Again, what price would I have to pay?

Some people go about revenge so as to hide their identity and do petty things. That’s is not my style. If I decided I was going to act in revenge, it was going to be face to face, direct, physical, and there would be no doubt who I was and why I did it. 

Just like Ike I gave my wife a second chance that she didn’t deserve, he also walked away Scott free for the same reason, my kids. That is the only reason. If not for them, I would have divorced her instantly and beat him within an inch of his life, paid what ever the court said to pay, and move on with my life. 

I did/do get some satisfaction from the fact that he is always watching his back, looking out for me. I have been told though back channels.  

It does get easier. The longer I get down this terrible road, the less I think about revenge. I’m at almost 4 years, and still do at least a couple times a week, usually only if my anger is triggered. 

The thought of forgiving him has never even been an option for me. I wish nothing but the worst for him, and probably always will. The task of forgiving my (still working on it), is already the most difficult thing to do. Why would I waste any more of my time thinking about him?  

My only hope for him is that the Karma bus runs him down many times....
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Sorry
Skelling wrote:
It came up a few times here already. Best revenge is to live well... which may be true but doesn't seem to help in the moment. Part of me wants to see the "positive", the "rationale" behind the affair and "understand" the AP, which would lead to forgiving her. The other part in me very much struggles with the fact that this person has done it before, most likely will do it again and doesn't learn from it. This person lives her life as if nothing ever happened no consequences nothing. Its like going in a glass shop breaking all the china and walking out saying ooops my bad. There is no remorse no apology nothing just complete ignorance to what they have done and that is really hard for me to accept.


I dont think that those people have it easy. They are hollow superificial shells who have very limited meaning in life and deep down are pretty unhappy.

I dont think that someone who goes from Affair to Affair is happy. I think that They are hiding from themselves.

That in itself is actually incredibly sad.
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anthro
You are already successfully battling thoughts of revenge, assuming you haven't actually taken revenge so far 🙂

My immediate reaction to the affair was mainly to try to protect the children (four - our two and the AP and his wife's two). In retrospect I think this was something of a survival mechanism; by focusing on that I was able to take in all the rest more slowly. The AP hated me for imposing any kind of "rules" like NC on him (I had no power other than his fear of his wife finding out, and all he had to do was tell her and that power was gone).

There was one incident when we almost came to blows; it was the day he told me "all the things I've had from her that you've never had". I feel that if I had begun to hit him, I probably would not have stopped. To this day I do not know how I kept myself in check, I am fairly good at self-restraint generally but I was pretty strung out by that time. I could conceivably have killed him and gone to prison for it; not exaggerating. I am a lot bigger than him and quite strong.

A few things happened. His wife was told anonymously. This saved me from the dilemma of whether or not to tell her. (I am glad she found out and overall I now think it is better to tell the unknowing BS.) As it all played out, his behaviour became worse and worse at home and after a few months (about four months after d-day) he was removed from their house by the police and didn't see his children for some time. It became litigious and at last check his wife asked me to be a witness for her. I assume they've resolved now. 

When he was kicked out by the police, he contacted me to say he could see now that I had been trying to help him, but he had thought I had some agenda. I wasn't, in fairness, ever really trying to help him so much as his children. He told me he was at a homeless shelter. He had no income and no cash (she was the sole breadwinner). He was at a pretty low point. I think he wanted me to talk to his wife for him, as he was prohibited from contacting her at that time. Did I enjoy that at all? Maybe a little. Honestly, not much. I also momentarily thought of taking some money to him so he could get some accommodation. Go figure. I didn't, and I am glad I didn't, mainly because there was a crucial lesson I needed to learn - he just wasn't rightfully part of my world at all. The only reasons he wasn't a total stranger to me were lousy reasons. 

I guess what I am trying to say is: firstly - I don't think you'd get any real pleasure or satisfaction from revenge. Seeing someone's well-earned downfall is a more neutral feeling than you'd expect. Secondly, it is genuinely wrong that the AP is in your universe at all. She doesn't belong in your world, in your head, in your thoughts, in your time. She doesn't merit your revenge because she doesn't merit any of your attention or even your awareness of her existence. She doesn't even merit your thoughts of revenge. 

Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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Skelling
Thank you, this is what I have been trying to tell myself and talk myself out of any revenge plans. She was single and had nothing to loose. i suppose for her it was more like a game and to prove to herself that she can even get a married one, if she wanted. I have never met this woman and never will (she lives in another country). I thought about posting her pic on that one website and send her the link. I thought about sending her an email telling her naked pics went viral within the company (would have freaked her out as she is all about image and integrety) and she still has to work with some of those people. (My husband left the company the day he ended the affair). I thought about contacting HR but as you said Keep, thought about the consequences for my husband. (Wish he and her would have given same consideration to me or our kids, when they started the affair.)  However a couple of things I did but didn't lead anywhere. I had sought out all fb profiles of her immediate family and sent them a message, no foul language just facts and I didn't care, if they saw my real profile or knew my name. I actually wanted them to see my face and the faces of the children she and my husband hurt by their actions. But since with fb you have to allow contact first, I don't think either of them even saw it or if they did, didn't care. So you are right no satisfaction for me, even felt shame as none of them had anything to do with it. The second thing I did but with my husband quite early one. WE wrote a nc letter and I packed, very civil, all the stuff that I wanted her to know in that. Whether she read it or not or gave it a second thought, I don't know but it was concluded with pretty much your words Anthro telling her that my husband and I are commited to rebuilding our marriage and she has no place in our life or our thoughts (well I guess if she knew, that I am thinking still about revenge, would satisfy her and since I havent acted on any of my thoughts, is robbing her from that satisfaction but it sure is very hard). When those thoughts come up, I am trying to go by what Sorry said, that she must be in a dark place, unhappy, lonely with a pretty low selfesteem herself. I guess I will keep on battling those inner deamons and hope that with time, they quiet down a bit.
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ThrivenotSurvive
anthro wrote:

I guess what I am trying to say is: firstly - I don't think you'd get any real pleasure or satisfaction from revenge. Seeing someone's well-earned downfall is a more neutral feeling than you'd expect. Secondly, it is genuinely wrong that the AP is in your universe at all. She doesn't belong in your world, in your head, in your thoughts, in your time. She doesn't merit your revenge because she doesn't merit any of your attention or even your awareness of her existence. She doesn't even merit your thoughts of revenge. 



So perfectly said.  Just perfect. 
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Allthatremains
I agree 100% but wish it was as easy to do as it is to write.
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Fionarob
It takes a huge amount of self-control and forward-thinking not to take revenge.  It also speaks volumes to everyone who knows you, and to your own conscience, that you make the choice every day not to take revenge.  The fact that two people have made choices that have blown our world apart, and yet we can make a choice not to do the same to them, it shows an enormous amount of integrity and strength of character, something we should all be proud of.

I had a bizarre opportunity to take revenge on my ex and his AP.  Two years after our marriage ended (I made him leave and he went to be with his AP), I found a diary that he had been writing during the affair.  It was well hidden, and I can only assume he had forgotten he had left it behind,  In the diary he wrote a lot about all his AP's flaws, reasons why he didn't want to be with her, horrible things about her daughter, how he would never be able to leave me or his children, why I was a hundred times the woman she would ever be etc etc.  It was all very negative towards her and very much about how he needed to be strong and let her go......that if I ever made him leave it would eventually destroy him to be with her and her daughter.........how she was manipulating him to stay in the affair, how she was like a drug he couldn't let go of but knew how bad she was for him.............

In my hands I had this 'weapon' that I could have used to explode their relationship.  I could have sent that diary to her.  I am absolutely sure it would have hurt her immensely.  It may have even caused them to break up.  But I chose not to.  Despite the temptation, I just didn't like the idea of what it would say about me for doing something like that, out of spite and revenge.  She certainly didn't deserve to be spared the pain, but I still made that choice. 

Instead, I sent the diary to my ex.  Just so he would know I had read it, but had then made the choice to return it back to him.  The satisfaction that gave me was far sweeter than any revenge.
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ThrivenotSurvive
Fionarob wrote:
It takes a huge amount of self-control and forward-thinking not to take revenge.  It also speaks volumes to everyone who knows you, and to your own conscience, that you make the choice every day not to take revenge.  The fact that two people have made choices that have blown our world apart, and yet we can make a choice not to do the same to them, it shows an enormous amount of integrity and strength of character, something we should all be proud of.

Instead, I sent the diary to my ex.  Just so he would know I had read it, but had then made the choice to return it back to him.  The satisfaction that gave me was far sweeter than any revenge.


Wow.  You are so right that it takes a a huge amount of self-control.  And very, very well played.  

I think the thing that helped me the most in the early time after DD when my anger was off the charts and I felt like proving red-heads are really witches (lol) was a book I'd read "Loving and Living After Betrayal".  The author made some really good points about how best to rebuild your self-confidence and self-worth after a devastating betrayal.  One of these was writing out all the qualities you embodied (or wanted to embody) that made you feel good about yourself (I am a person of integrity.  I am kind. etc.)  Then post these to where you can see them and every time you are thinking about doing/saying something look at it and ask yourself, does this action support who I want to be? 

Taking my focus away from the AP and my WH  (wanting to punish them for who they'd chosen to be) and putting it on ME,  really, really helped me.  Did it suddenly banish all the "conversations" in my head with the AP?  No.  Did it suddenly make all the revenge fantasies go away? No.  But it did give me a tool to refocus myself, ABSOLUTELY.  And after a while it almost became a reflex.  As many neuroscientists say "The thoughts that fire together, wire together." I found that following the thoughts of revenge with an exercise of refocusing on myself and the fact that I ALONE could control who I was in this world, made me go from a feeling of being dis-empowered to feeling powerful.  No one else could control me.  No one could take away who I am/was.  

I don't know if that approach will work for anyone else, but I think it played a large role in why I feel happy and whole again (plus TIME and lots of other soul-searching work - this stuff ain't for the faint of heart.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Damaged
My feelings for revenge were also very strong. I think my first post was about revenge. Just after D day, my husband pointed out that we had everything to lose and she had nothing to lose. It was true. We are well know in our community. Daughter was just accepted into professional school ( on D day - so I’ll never forget the date!). The feelings of revenge have lessened greatly  but I still think about it. My current fantasy is to contact her husband( if she has one) when I’m 70. She would be 43. Let him know exactly what kind of person she is!  As time goes on, these thoughts have greatly decreased. 
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Experiencethedevine29
Personally, and I do speak only for myself, not at all suggesting that this is a pat response, it didn’t matter what my thoughts about any revenge were, it was what I did with any. You can think whatever you like, but acting on those thoughts is entirely a whole new ball game.

I hated her guts, of course I did, but I didn’t get involved in any shenanigans she threw my way UNTIL she came after ME all guns blazing. Then I shot her (metaphorically)..dead..and what I did I will never regret..😇...I had never, and thankfully will never, come across an individual so vile 🤮 in my entire life, and I’m old(er)! 🤓


ETD🌻
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anthro
Personally, and I do speak only for myself, not at all suggesting that this is a pat response, it didn’t matter what my thoughts about any revenge were, it was what I did with any. You can think whatever you like, but acting on those thoughts is entirely a whole new ball game.



When I saw my wife's AP (he had posed as my friend) three days after d-day he - among other things - broke down crying and instinctively I held him while he sobbed.

Weirdest scene ever. I still find it hard to believe that particular thing happened. I also had some fairly hard thoughts about him of course. In the end karma did hit him harder than I could have and he richly deserved what he got. 

After the day of the hug, his behaviour became really reprehensible, I mean far worse than the affair, far far worse, and in many ways I think that's a good thing as it helped along the process of absolutely cutting all connections.

I did, and still do, think of him as someone whose sudden death would be a nett positive for the world, and there are few I would say that about. But it isn't something I feel any need to do anything about. If however he came near my family again, seeking whatever, he would be in serious danger. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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Experiencethedevine29
anthro wrote:


When I saw my wife's AP (he had posed as my friend) three days after d-day he - among other things - broke down crying and instinctively I held him while he sobbed.

Weirdest scene ever. I still find it hard to believe that particular thing happened. I also had some fairly hard thoughts about him of course. In the end karma did hit him harder than I could have and he richly deserved what he got. 

After the day of the hug, his behaviour became really reprehensible, I mean far worse than the affair, far far worse, and in many ways I think that's a good thing as it helped along the process of absolutely cutting all connections.

I did, and still do, think of him as someone whose sudden death would be a nett positive for the world, and there are few I would say that about. But it isn't something I feel any need to do anything about. If however he came near my family again, seeking whatever, he would be in serious danger. 


Anthro, I can only imagine how surreal that must have been to have responded automatically to another individual in obvious distress, and that alone is testament to your unreserved empathy.  I’m sure you must have gone through that very scene a million times with variant alternative outcomes, but what remains is that you were the bigger person in that moment despite your own trauma. Perhaps it might have been because your mind and body was in a state of PTSD that you were able to respond automatically according to your persona?

He, however, evidently misread your empathy for susceptibility and took advantage of your good nature...nasty twat.

And as for getting near your family, we are all lions for our children aren’t we, and I did exactly what I needed to do to the filth my husband was clandestinely ‘entertaining’ when after dday it came after not just me, but tried to infect my children with its vile cesspool of bitterness..


ETD🌻
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