rdnckwmn763
I'm fairly new to this forum but I just don't know how to get past this so I figured it was time I posted something. A little over 2 months ago I found out my husband was having an emotional affair (at least) with a woman he's been friends with for about a year. I told him from the very beginning that I didn't like her, that something about her rubbed me wrong and he only defended her saying she's not that bad, she's just like "one of the guys" because she goes to the gym he goes to and he coaches her, her husband and their daughter. I started to notice a few months ago that he paid less attention to me when her and her husband were around and he started planning all of our activities and outings with them as part of it. We had gotten into an argument a couple of days before I discovered what was really going on. So on July 26th I had woke up in the middle of the night and thought I could probably access his text message history through our cell phone bill. I printed this all out while at work and when I came home that night I sat down with him and asked him if he was serious about fixing our problems and making our marriage work? He said he was I told him okay this is your one chance to come clean and be honest with me, what is your relationship with this other woman? He said nothing we don't have a relationship we are just friends. I asked him and how often do you message her? He said not very often at all once in a while usually just about the gym. At that point I got out the text message history from the prior 2 weeks and in that two weeks time between the two of them they had sent over 1,100 text messages. I began to cry and told him I cannot believe that he sat there and lied right to my face. He told me he was sorry and he knows the texting got out of hand and that originally he started texting her to help her and her husband with their marital problems and then they just kept talking about stuff like the gym and even his problems with me. I asked him to see the messages between the two of them he said he deleted them and when I asked why he said because he knew I didn't want him talking to her. I told him I can forgive him but he needs to stop being friends with her, delete her from Facebook, and delete her phone number tell her that it's over. He said he already told her today that they're texting got out of hand and they can't talk anymore. That seems like an eternity ago so much has happened since then. He asked me to go to their house to watch a Pay-Per-View fight and when I told him I didn't want him going to their house things only got worse from there. To make a long story short he still went even though he knew it hurt me for him to go. I was following Along online with the fights that he was watching and knew when they ended and he texted me after it was over to say the second to last fight was starting so I knew he was lying. At that point I decided to try to track his phone to see if he was really indeed at their house. It showed he was somewhere a couple miles away from their house, and according to his Google history he had to use the "okay google" function on his phone by saying "navigate home" if he was really at their house which he's been to millions of times why would he need to know how to get home? When confronted with this he stated he had had a little bit to drink and that's the reason he needed directions. That is ridiculous because it's pretty much a straight shot from their house to ours he could probably do it blindfolded. Needless to say our relationship got worse afterwards after I found more info on his Google history showing that the day after he said he stopped messaging her he downloaded a secret messenger app to continue to talk to her behind my back. I even found out that for many months going back as far as February of this year he has been using some app called KeepSafe hide pictures vault. When confronted with that he said I only use that for the one picture you sent me a long time ago. I have never sent those kind of pictures to him and not that kind of person and he had been accessing this once every couple days sometimes twice a day since at least February. He still claims that was all it was for but I don't believe him. Around February or March of this year he also changed all of his passwords to his Facebook, emails, and locked his phone saying the only reason he locked his phone is because our phones store our info like credit card stuff and if somebody were to get a hold of it they could access it. All of that would have been fine if he had always been a secretive person, but since we first started dating over 8 years ago he is always volunteered his password info and never kept anything secret from me. Now I know why he has everything kept secret because he didn't want me knowing he was talking to her. After I confronted him about lying after the Pay-Per-View he moved out for two weeks. During those two weeks I caught him in several lies when he said he was staying at one friend's house it turned out he was staying with her and her husband. Somehow we worked it out enough for him to come home and we go to therapy once a week but I don't think we are making any progress. Everytime we go to therapy and this gets brought up he just keeps saying that it's over and why do we have to go around in the same circles. He is still friends with her on Facebook he still likes her comments and he still has her cell number in his phone although he no longer messages her that way because he knows I will see it. I'm sure he messages her now on Facebook Messenger or email because he knows I don't have the passwords. I've asked him over and over and over again even in front of our counselor to delete her and he will not saying that she can cause a lot of drama for him at the gym because he is a coach. First of all the way I feel as if she were really just a friend she would understand if he said our relationship is causing difficulties in my marriage we can't be friends anymore. But he won't do that. He keeps saying that she can cause a bunch of drama for him, but I think the drama is that maybe he's worried she will tell me something that I already haven't found out like that their relationship was physical. Part of our marital problems before I found out about her was that he was on his phone constantly he would come home from being at the gym and talk to me for about 2 minutes and sit there on his phone the rest of the night texting people that he told me at the time we're just the guys from the gym and it turned out it was her all along. He is texting much less now and even put his phone down in the other room for hours at a time, so he is making an effort about texting so much but still has not deleted her and I can't shake the feeling that they are still chatting behind my back. He refuses to delete her saying it would cause too many problems and their marriage is just going good now and he doesn't want to have her husband wonder why they're not friends anymore all of a sudden. He claims her husband is such a good friend of his and doesn't want to cause them problems. I feel like we're getting nowhere in therapy. We are getting along great at home for the most part until the subject of her comes up. He constantly tells me how much he loves me and how lucky he is but I don't feel like his " I love you's" are quite as sincere as they used to be. The other night he was going to meet a friend for a beer while I was doing something with girlfriends and I asked him if he was going to her house and he said no he knows he's not allowed to go there and that whenever possible he will not go to their house but cannot promise me he will never go to their house. All I want him to do is get rid of her from his life if there's nothing going on why is that so hard for him? I don't know how to start trusting him again. Especially when I feel so strongly that he is still chatting with her and keeping stuff from me. He still keeps his phone locked and still will not give me access to any of his passwords again saying in therapy that I just want to go through his stuff. I've told him I don't want to go through his stuff but it's the point in saying here this is my password or hear my phone is unlocked is saying to me I have nothing to hide from you, but he will not do it he says he doesn't want me to see his conversations with his other friends because some of them don't like me. I told him I don't care if some of his guy friends don't like me that doesn't bother me if I were to look at his phone it would only to be to see if there were messages between him and her. I had said to him besides you are supposed to defend me to your friends when they talk crap about me, I would defend you if my friends talk bad about you. He said it's not something I can defend you about . I barely know these friends of his and the only time I've been around them is at gym events and if anything I have been a little antisocial just because I am socially awkward to begin with and don't have much to talk to them about but other than that there is nothing that I could have done to these friends that would make me so awful and undefendable. Our therapist said to him this is where trust comes in. And he said I don't trust her comma I don't trust that she won't say something to these friends. I said to him two months ago he had asked me not to confront her and as much as I would love to do nothing more then kick her ass I haven't said a single word to her or her husband like he asked, but yet he can't trust me not to say anything. I don't know what to do to get past all of this, I don't know how to start trusting him again. I welcome any advice anybody has to offer. I feel like I've fallen into depression and while I enjoy the time we spend together I'm always worried in the back of my head that she is still there in his life.
Quote 0 0
Dirazz
rdnckwmn763, first off welcome, I am happy you have found us and sad that you had to. My husband too insisted that his was only an EA. Until I kept digging and found it was indeed a physical one. And I hate to say this but it sounds as if your husband is having a physical affair with her. He's going to make you prove it before he admits it just like mine. Unfortunately I had to trick my husband and his affair partner into speaking about what really happened. Until the total truth is out healing cannot begin. Stick with your gut I have found that to be always true.
Quote 0 0
surviving
rdnckwmn763 - you said:  "I'm always worried in the back of my head that she is still there in his life."  I don't think you have to worry about it, because it is almost 100% true.  She is still in his life, or he would be more honest with you.  You can't trust him until the truth comes out.  You need help.  I hope you find it in this forum.  
Quote 0 0
Keepabuzz
I would agree with the others that has posted here already. Welcome, and your husband is definitely not being honest with you. Especially since he was never a "private" person with you. Regardless if he was/is a private person he gave up the rights to said privacy by having a minimum an inappropriate relationship and at most a full blown affair that you just haven't caught him in yet. He should have NOTHING to hide.

It gets down to setting boundaries on what you are and are not willing to put up/live with. For example, you could tell him that you want all his passwords, and for him to delete her number, and never see her or communicate with her in anyway. 100% No Contact. If you refuse to do these things, then I will have no choice but to assume that you are continuing this inappropriate relationship. Since you have already proven yourself untrustworthy. I'm not willing stay in a marriage with a third party, so you will need to find somewhere else to live.

The key is sticking to your guns. Trust your gut. I would bet you a paycheck he is still communicating with her, and it's likely a full blown physical affair, from what you have said on here. You just haven't caught him. He has only admitted to things you have caught him on and can prove.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
Quote 0 0
Heidi
I'm so sorry you are here. The trauma and betrayal of infidelity are terrible things, but hopefully you will find this a safe place to talk.

You asked how you will trust him again. The answer is he has to work the hardest he's ever worked in order to EARN it back. Once lost, trust is so hard to find again, but he really isn't doing the work he needs to in order for you to feel safe. I'll give you an insight into what my husband did (and still does) in order to show me he is trying to be trustworthy.

1. Ended the affair and went no contact. (He worked with her so he still had to talk to her in work meetings, but was actively applying for jobs, and also let his boss know why there was animosity in the team). For your husband this would mean not having her number, blocking her on Facebook, changing gyms and avoiding anywhere that she might be. He isn't doing that yet.

2. Had full transparency. He would let me look at his phone, shared all passwords, offered for me to track his location. In the evenings he would give me his phine as soon as he walked through the door and wouldn't be on it all night.

3. Worked out WHY he had the affair. He's been going to counselling for 18 months now, and we are pretty sure of his whys. Now he goes because he's working on becoming a better person, and on rebuked ing himself and us.

4. Answered any questions I asked, no matter how painful they were. Sometimes it would set me back for days, but knowing he was being honest allowed the trust to regrow.

5. Kept in contact - if he went out he's tell me where he was going, with whom, and often would message / send photos from the venue to prove where he was. He would also call me from work to reassure me as that's where his affair began.

With all of those things, plus his clear and often stated shame and disgust at what he'd put me through, it's going to take years to rebuild the trust. And he knows it's his job to prove he is trustworthy. It's my job to give him the chance to prove it. And we are getting there.

If your husband isn't doing these things (and it does take time for many WS to get there), then he may not be remorseful. Are you certain he isn't contacting her in any other way? If it were me I'd let her husband know what was going on. Firstly because any betrayed spouse deserves to know what their partner is doing. Secondly because him knowing will burst the fantasy bubble of their affair.
Quote 0 0
Dirazz
I 1000% agree with every word Heidi has said!!
Quote 0 0
neslon
Quote:
If your husband isn't doing these things (and it does take time for many WS to get there), then he may not be remorseful. Are you certain he isn't contacting her in any other way? If it were me I'd let her husband know what was going on. Firstly because any betrayed spouse deserves to know what their partner is doing. Secondly because him knowing will burst the fantasy bubble of their affair.


Pop the bubble of their fantasy world.  Good luck!
Quote 0 0
surviving
I agree - pop the bubble of their fantasy world.  I wish I would have done that so long ago.  Best of luck to you, stay strong, stick to your guns, don't let him weasel out of it.
Quote 0 0
Marthie
I feel sick to my stomach reading your letter. if he is not willing to give you passwords and letting you see everything and anything that he is writing and receiving..... he is hiding something and is most probably still unfaithful. Sorry to confirm your fears. Otherwise why would he be hiding things from you?
Quote 0 0