I've been working on myself for sometime now: IC, journaling, finding this & other marriage helper/builder forums& websites, talking with friends. I will continue to do all these things & agreed to go to mc with my H to talk through 'what went wrong'. We've discussed before and although helpful, it's what we do going forward that matters. And for me, I have to find the 'desire' within myself to 'work' on the marriage. Right now, I don't want to. I don't want to be around him or spend time with him. Agreeing to see a therapist together is the most I can offer him. My feelings for him eroded over our 20 year marriage, I don't think I ever woulda had the A in the first place if I had still loved him. At then time, I was too confused & unsure of what was going on. Sex with my H was always a chore, something I did to make him happy. Long before the A started, I became less & less interested, by the time the A started, I wanted nothing to do with him physically, and I still don't. The thought makes me cringe. Since the A ended, I can't even sleep in the same bed with him. To me, the ending of the A gave me the clarity to see that I want more out of life. As horrible as it sounds, during the A I was 'having my cake & eating it too'. My need for stability & security was being met by my H & my need for passion & fun was being met by AP. now that AP is gone, security & stability are not enough for me. And H was never met my need for passion, not for 20-+ years. And the 'fun' went out of him years & years & years ago. Now I don't want him to be the one meeting those needs. I realize I sound extremely selfish, but it's how I feel. I've read a lot about mid life crisis and think that may fit me as well but it's been going on for 3 + years with no end in sight
Just wondered if you think your husband feels the same way? If he feels there is no passion and no fun and spontaneity anymore? I guess you wouldn't know that unless you asked him. But I ask because I've been married for 29 years and I feel that my husband has never been able to connect with me on an emotional level. And I also feel the same way you do about sex, I could happily live without it because to me it lacks that emotional connection that I need. Without that it's like being expected to flip things on and off like a switch. I've tried explaining this many times but it just doesn't seem to sink in. He keeps his feelings locked inside and has great difficulty sharing them with me, so how then am I supposed to feel wanted and loved enough to flip the switch on?
I don't feel that any one person can fulfill all the needs of another, we are individuals and so different. Maybe sometimes we just have to accept people just can't be everything we want and make the most of who they are. Perhaps I am too tolerant but then again maybe the fact that I am so tolerant is part of the reason we HAVE been married for 29 years, I don't know, just makes me wonder sometimes, where a lot of marriages would be without it.
I am just musing here...
I think so many things can come between the two people in a marriage, work and stress, then the kids come along and life is so hectic because everything is geared to them and finally, when they are old enough to be independent and self supportive, and you are looking forward to to becoming a couple again, and more ME time, wham..it's the turn of the parents (in my case)who are by now becoming increasingly frail. Where did all that time go, what happened to those fun days out you used to have on your own? Why does everyone want a piece of you, all at once? Why is there never enough hours in the day or days in the week? I've got to thinking all this can drive a wedge between you, you each forget who the other is, they turn into this person you don't know anymore with so many responsibilities and never any time for you. No wonder we think all the love has gone and it really isn't worth it.
But is it really not worth it, and how do you know unless you give it time? I think Kal is right when he says the feelings you have now could become very different later.
Lately I've felt that I've never had my chance for the 'just us' bit of our marriage, because now 'we' are 'three' in a very different sense! And I keep wishing I had that chance to know what it would be like, just us two. And I don't know if I will ever be given that 'time' and that makes me very sad.