carsteel
I was told two days ago that my husband has paid a prostitute for a BJ three separate times over about three months about a year ago. I told him when we were dating that I hate giving BJ and it would never be something I would want to do. I feel like I gave him the information I needed to and he was supposedly fine with it. Now it has been an issue our whole marriage. He said he "couldn't even get it up and couldn't finish" like that made it better somehow. This comes after a long history of me trying to work on our marriage. 7 years ago I found several craigslist postings he had made actually advertising for an affair in the causal encounters section. I didn't even know that existed till he left his email open and I saw the confirmation email for his posting. He had been making those posts for our whole marriage at that point, 2 years. He says those adds never lead to anything, but I have no trust in his word. I did read several emails back and forth with him and someone who responded to one where they set up a meeting and he went to it. The only reason something didn't happen is because they never found each other. We never really got anything done to help us through this. I asked repeatedly (seriously I've asked at least twice a year) to go to counseling. I know I can not get past this and deal with it on our own. He always says we do not have the money for counseling. Then 7 years later her PAYS for sex. So he is ok with giving money to a stranger for sex but not pay to help heal our marriage. I am so shattered, torn, and unsure. I have tried SO hard for 7 years to fix our marriage. I have been the only one trying, and I am tired of climbing an uphill battle. I told him recently that I only can give 1 more year to this as I graduate from nursing school then and I can afford to live on my own at that point. I honestly think that the only reason he told me about the prostitutes is because of my impending graduation and threat at leaving. We have four sons together, and 9 years of marriage. I don't want to leave, I don't want to give up, I don't want to start over. I also don't want this example for my sons, I want them to know how to treat women. I want to be happy. I think I have earned being happy. Right now he says he will do anything, he has been trying to finally read a book we got a long time ago (he is a really slow reader and this has always been his excuse). He has looked into a counselor and finally says he is willing to pay. I just don' t know, I feel like this is the second time, he is going to do it again. If I stay am I just dooming myself to more of this in the future? How do you make this choice? It seems impossible to figure out. 

I'm sorry for the random babbling, I'm also tired of apologizing. Somehow I end up doing a lot of that.    
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Brandi
I feel your pain. It's rough. You have no reason to trust him at all. Here is my advice to you: focus on yourself. I am reading a book "the new rules of marriage" by Terrence Real and it is helping. We are working on repairing our marriage but it has some very insightful things that have helped me in all my relationships so far. But focus on healing yourself and finishing school. Don't make any decisions about the marriage and you can go to counseling alone. Invite him to join you-but don't let him have the power to decide if you go or not. The school may have a counselor you can see and some will do reduced fees. Once you start to focus on yourself and living your own life you will then become more confident in your ability to stand on your own, take control and be confident in yourself. Dont stay because you are scared to start over-stay because you have decided to love him despite his flaws. That is hard right now. Right now all you feel is the pain, anger, bitterness...I get it. But stop letting him have the power. You do deserve happiness-but YOU have to be happy for you. You cant depend on him (or anyone else) to make you happy. You be happy and invite him (or someone else) in to increase your happiness. I am sending you hugs. I know its hard. Don't be scared to feel like you are acting like a b*tch. (demand what you need/want. You call the shots right now.)
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flight
I agree. You need to focus on yourself and figure out what it is you want and why. He is making rationalizations and justifications for his actions. Your relationship or whether or not you give BJ's is not a reason he made unethical choices. His ethics are his problem. If he has been this way your entire marriage, it would seem his way of looking at marriage and comittment is set. If he doesn't see that as a problem, that it is his choice to own, and that he owes you remorse and work to change himself, that would be a big red flag for me. If he is showing signs of wanting to work on himself and does go to IC, that would be a minimum requirement for working with him on your marriage. The things he said like he couldn't finish and nothing comes from CL ads, are all script from cheaters mouths. Don't trust what he says until he shows you with his actions who he is or wants to be.

As for oral sex, you are perfectly within your rights to not like something and not do it. You also warned him that wouldn't be a part of your marriage. That isn't why he cheated. But if there is some issue behind that you want to look at in yourself, not for him but for you, that is a pretty big area of an intimate relationship with a husband and wife. If there is something deeper or how you view intimacy, that might help you if you want to explore it. Again, this is not a justification for him going outside your marriage, he had plenty of other ethical options, like talking to you, or even divorcing you because he found he just can't live without oral sex, or wants to be with someone else.
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Kalmarjan
I just have to say with brutal man logic.

If he has a problem with the oral situation, then he needs to man up, own it, admit it, and communicate that. If it's truly a deal breaker, then he'll let you know and let the chips fall.

At that point, he shouldn't be with you if it's truly a problem. He'd be a man, and break it off with you. (Assuming, again, that it's a true deal breaker for him. Like, he seriously can't live without it.)

I'm not seeing him do this, so..
So, this means he is trying to manipulate you. That's it. He's banking on your investment here. He's trying to bet that you want to be with him so you'll overlook things if he emotionally manipulates you into thinking it's your fault. See, you didn't give me what I need.

In short, it's blame shifting. I know, because I used to do the same thing. It's not his fault, it's yours. He's basically saying that you gave him no choice. Except he's been roundabout on it.

Bottom line. The cold hard facts are this.

He crossed the line. Again.
He could've manned up and had that sh+try discussion with you IF it were truly the problem.
Since he didn't, then he must be pulling some bull.
Because if the BJ was a deal breaker to him, he would have left you first right?
Except he's trying to tell you all the things he thinks you need to hear. IE I couldn't finish because of the guilt, or I couldn't maintain an erection... Sound familiar?

It's gaslighting. Period. Don't believe the hype. The actions he is doing don't match his description... Therefore he is lying and has to prove to you he is not. He lied before, and agreed to try and rebuild trust. This is how he can keep it. How can you feel safe if he is lying about even a small thing.

This isn't a small thing.

Sorry, don't mean to be a downer, just giving a perspective of a reformed WS
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Kalmarjan
Oh, sorry... I reread this... I have to apologize. I said "it's not his fault, it's yours..."

I don't mean it like it's your fault, I'm just attempting to tell it like he sees it.

*this is completely not your fault. He has to play the victim so he can justify what he is doing. That's why he keeps telling himself that it's not his fault. He can't be wrong if he is the victim.

WS, convoluted, stupid logic.

I went back and read my diary from around that time. Wow. Confusion galore. I once read that a guy in an affair MUST ignore what his "heart" is telling him, and go with straight logic.

That's because we get stupid when we try to think about the heart. We can misjudge the actions of others and believe we are in love with them. That's the "fog", or limerance.

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