Lauras
Good morning all - My life is falling apart.  I dont know how to cope with this.
 
Me emotions are all over.  Am angry, hurt, confused and when i see him i just want him to hold me.
 
My husband has been working away for 2 years. He moved down to our town.  He told me my daughter (17) on the 1 September that he met someone and she must meet this lady......and she must tell me!!!  She moved down with him.
 
That evening my daughter told me.  I was calm, but as i went to my room my whole life shattered and all the hurt anger and shock came out.  I couldnt stop crying.  My body was shaking and it was just so unreal what was happening.  How could he!! i wouldve never ever think he would do something like this.  he was such a dedicated husband and father
 
Now 3 weeks later she left him going back to her husband!. "Yes she is also married.
 
She is 2 years younger than me, but looks older.  Im much prettier than her but im more overweight. She had blond hair and now that they moved down she went and cut her hair and color her hair like mine. 
 
My husband came drunk to my house and cried.  He said it is over, but still loves her. He then stayed over for 2 nights.  It was awesome to have him at home again.  We went to town together, shopping, braai and potjie.  
  
So you can imagine what happened.  Husband was all for this other woman and he left the house again saying that he will never ever come together again.  It is over.  He is confused, hurt and does not know what to do.  As he spoke to my daughter last night he was crying.  
 
He is selfish, only thinking of his hurt, but what about me and my children. How i found out through my daughter. I still love him, i dont want to anymore. 
 
HOW CAN I STOP this feelings.  how do i cope and accept this.  how can i go on with my life. And please dont tell me to go out and get someone.  im not a person that goes out do parties or dancing as im to shy and self contious about my weight.
 
How do i release him.  how do i stop thinking of him.  how do i stop looking at my cell phone and his number. 
 
For example: my car didnt want to start this morning and i started walking to work.  +- 4 - 5 kilos.  My youngest daughter sms's him and he came and picked me up next to road.  I didnt want to see him.  I dont want him to help me.  He said to me he still cares and will always be there. He will sort out car.
 
NOOOOOOOO!!!!! he is choosing another woman, how can he say he still cares. How can he???
 
Please give me advise.  Im all over and not good for myself and my daughter. Please help me to cope and what to do. How do i switch off my emotions, the hurt, the confusion, the love, the pain.  Some days i just want to end everything because the feelings are just to overwellming. 
 
You going to think im stupid, pathetic(my daughter already tells me that) but he has nothing to offer us.  He has no job, no income, no house, his health is not the way it supposed to be.  He drinks and smoke.  He is drunk everynight. (passes out early in evenings) 
 
AGAIN!!!!!  WHY AM I FEELING THIS WAY.  Now that im writing this email, the answers is there CLEAR to me.  Im an idiot.  You dont need this man.  he has nothing to offer you.  He not even giving you love that you deserve but loves another and he is selfish, do not care for his child or you. 
 
How am i going to go forward with these emotions that i dont have no control over.  It feels im in this body and i just see him.  I want to feel him.  i love him. I dont want him to choose this other woman. How can he?  How can he leave 28 years of marriage behind. 

The last 3 days he has been at my house, eating by us and sleeping over. Again, saying he misses the OW. He has no regrets, still saying he cares for me and loves me...but wishes the OW is back.  Again, my emotions, feelings, im empty and feel like dying. Why am i hurting so much?  Why cant i just tell me to go away and leave me alone?  


help me please!!!!
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Tim2014
Sorry for your situation sorry you're here with the rest of us but it's sounds like he's still in the fog and trying to have his casket and eat it too. As for you this just keeps stirring up all your raw emotions you need to take care of and do what's best for you and your daughter!
I'm no expert but you need to set your boundaries and stick to them until he chooses to come back to reality
Again sorry for what you're going through
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Lauras
Thank you for your reply.  How do i set boundaries??? WHat do i do??? Will that not let him leave more. You wont believe but the OW husband has send him a message today.  I saw it where he said that my husband must leave his wife alone. They are working on their marriage. 
He came and fetch me for lunch but he wants to be with me but also hurting my feelings. He said to me now that im too fat. He will never come back if im so fat!! I have lost 15 kilos already and still working on it!! How can he be so cruel.  28 years of marriage!!! Now im fat!!! 
What must i do? I dont want to loose him but i also dont want this life. What do you mean he is still in the fog?  Please help me!!
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Anna26
Lauras wrote:
Thank you for your reply.  How do i set boundaries??? WHat do i do??? Will that not let him leave more. You wont believe but the OW husband has send him a message today.  I saw it where he said that my husband must leave his wife alone. They are working on their marriage. 
He came and fetch me for lunch but he wants to be with me but also hurting my feelings. He said to me now that im too fat. He will never come back if im so fat!! I have lost 15 kilos already and still working on it!! How can he be so cruel.  28 years of marriage!!! Now im fat!!! 
What must i do? I dont want to loose him but i also dont want this life. What do you mean he is still in the fog?  Please help me!!



Please take heart.  If he is saying things to you like you are too fat, that's him trying to justify why he did this.  You must remember, NOTHING that you did made him stray.  The fault for that lies with him and him alone.  If there were any problems in your marriage, that too doesn't justify what he's done. Trying to pin any amount of blame on you for HIS affair is so wrong and even people who believe they have the best marriage in the world find themselves in this situation.

With regard to boundaries, you have to tell him what is and isn't acceptable to you and follow through with it.  For example, I knew the affair was still going on so I gave my WS a choice of ending it or moving out as I wasn't prepared to have him behaving like this from under my own roof.  I'm not saying this is what you should do, just that, that was my boundary. 

Like you, he is very confused right now.  Remember too that time is on your side, you have time to think things through. There is no rush, hard though it is right now.  I would write more but I have to dash off, will look for any responses later.  Stay strong.
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Lauras
Thank you.  i already start feeling lighter due to the information you giving me. I just wish i can swithch of my emotions.  I just wish i dont feel so pathetic. I want to be strong. Thank you for listening and giving me all this advise. Im listening and will take note of all. Thank you
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surviving
Lauras - You can't stop emotions, but you can change them.  The emotions will calm down, but it takes time.  One of the books I read said to take your thoughts and change them.  Make them comical, give them funny voices, etc.  I know for me, I prayed for thoughts and emotions to stop.  When my husband's AP comes to mind, I would refuse her.  I would say out loud, "NO!"  Sometimes that worked, sometimes it didn't.  But, if I kept refusing her in my life, she eventually went away.  I have told this before but it bears repeating for you.  I love to play the piano, but I couldn't since DDay because it reminded me of my husband's AP.  We have gone room to room praying her out of each of them.  But, the piano was a different story.  It took weeks praying over the piano to get her out of it.  I would start to play, and she would reappear.  I would pray again, walk away from the piano, and she would leave.  It took a long time for me to play without her appearing.  The other thing was my couches, which my husband used to do his cheating.  I finally told my husband that they had to go (they were only five years old and nothing else wrong with them).  We gave them away to someone we won't probably see and that part of his cheating left this house.  We have since purchased new ones that I really like and that have no memories attached to them.  We have set up boundaries for my husband.  He calls when he gets to work on the work phone.  He calls when he leaves work.  He cannot be in a room or car with a female by himself unless the door is propped open.  He cannot share any personal information about me or our family with any female (that is how he started his 14-year affair).  Since your husband is still in the affair fog, you might have to let him go until he realizes what he is doing, wakes up and then makes a decision - you or her.  Anything negative he says to you is only an excuse to justify his actions.  My husband used that all the time.  I am sorry you are here.  I am sorry we all are here.  However, there is much to gain by others in your situation.  BTW, we are 25 months from DDay.  We are still in-house separation because neither of us has any money to truly separate. 
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